Shades of Grey
by Orii15
Summary: “Tim Black, you’re an idiot. What do you know about good anyway?”“Maybe I don’t know anything about good. But I’ve seen hate. I’ve seen cruelty for cruelty's sake. If good is the opposite of that I’ll take my chances on that Hell in a handbasket part
1. Prolouge

Shades of Gray

By: Orii15

A/N: This story's spent a long time in the back of my mind. I tried once before to write it, but hopefully it's finally good enough to be fully written.

Summary: Tim Black never wanted to get involved with the Order or Voldemort when he came back to England after two years spent in a school in Ireland. He only wanted to find his father, Sirius Black and get his life sorted out. But with his unusual knack for hearing the thoughts of everyone around him and his breif aquaintance with both Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy he is the perfect candidate to become a spy. Before Tim knows what's happening he's been prematurly inducted into the Order of the Pheonix and Malfoy is talking about what a help he could be to the Death Eaters. Caught up in the middle of things, Tim has to figure out where his loyalties really lie and somehow along the way convince his teachers and peers that he's not mad, he's just hearing voices.

Prolougue

A hard shove, a cold laugh, a sharp pain, I could tell who my assailant was before I had even lifted my head off the floor to look. This kind of thing was almost routine to me now, after spending two years at Flinn's School of Wizardry in Ireland. It would have been bad enough if I was just the English kid who'd transferred in from Hogwarts when I was twelve but it was more than that. I was Tim Black, the kid who never spoke if he could help it, who always isolated himself from his peers as much as possible. I looked sick and distracted half the time and sometimes the other kids would find me sitting in weird places, a quiet corner behind a staircase, or in an abandoned classroom with my eyes closed concentrating on something they couldn't know, seemingly detached from the world around me. The thing that sealed my fate as my classmates' sole object of ridicule, though, was the fact that my dad was Sirius Black, an escaped murderer, and that meant picking on me, tripping or shoving or hexing me was somehow turned in their eyes into a noble blow to a criminal instead of an offence. What did it matter if I myself had never done anything worse than muttering the occasional swear word under my breath? I couldn't have been more of a target if someone had painted a bull's-eye on my back.

My SCL didn't help matters either. If you're wondering, SCL stands for Subconscious Legilimency. Technically speaking, every wizard has the potential for this, to be able to constantly hear what's going on inside the minds of everyone else around them. It takes a lot of training, though, and most wizard's don't want to hear everyone else's thoughts all the time anyways, not when normal Legilimency can get them access to deeper parts of the mind, like memories, and doesn't require half as much work. Not to mention it's far easier on the sanity. Still some people are just born with SCL, it's a little like how some are born metamorphmagi or animagi, though usually SCL has more severe effects on a person's personality. I read in an issue of Healers Monthly once that SCL is caused when the mother goes through a particularly traumatic experience during pregnancy. Wizard's with really severe SCL usually lead secluded lives that end with them eventually going mad. My SCL is a pretty moderate form, and what I hear most clearly is what other people think when it's about me. I do hear _all_ the thoughts the people around me think, but if they're not about me it's just as a kind of buzzing in the back of my head like static on a radio. I also sense other people's emotions very clearly. All this amounts to why I don't like crowds or big events like quidditch matches. It's too confusing with all that noise, and all those thoughts from different people. Even though usually they're not thinking about me, it gets to feel very loud and over-crowded in my mind. As if everyone is in there talking all at once and I can't understand them, but there's still no room for me to get a word in edgewise. When I feel like that I always try to go and find a quiet spot to sit and clear my head.

I also learned from the article in Healer's Monthly that knowing Occlumency can be very beneficial since it can essentially block all the incoming thoughts. Ever since I read that article I've been trying to learn. I must have spent at least three days pouring over musty books from the Flinn's library before I found one that had decent instructions on Occlumency. I'm reasonably sure that has something to do with the fact that most of the books at Flinn's are about the same age as Merlin. Still, after I found out what I had to do I tried every morning to clear my head before I went to join the rest of the school at breakfast. Eventually I got to a point where I could block everything out, but holding that kind of barrier around your mind takes concentration and power if you want to keep it up for any significant amount of time. The best I ever had was the day I held it for all of forty-five minutes, but I don't know if that counts because I actually almost passed out afterwards.

Normal Occlumency is blocking the unwanted presence of one person or, if it's a group it's a group where every member is distinguishable as a separate entity. Occlumency for me is something different because it means constantly blocking large muddles of thoughts and usually I can't tell one thought from another. It takes a less energy to push a couple of people out than it does to build a wall around your mind, and that's what Occlumency is for me, putting up a force that obstructs all outside thoughts. But of course I didn't tell any of this to the nurse who kept me in the Hospital Wing for a day and a half at Flinn's any of this.

The boy who'd knocked me down wasn't satisfied that I'd knocked my head against the floor. As usual the prospect of someone tormenting Tim Black had drawn a small crowd, it was more interesting than going to class and usually the ending was quite funny. I was a spectacle. The boy jabbed me in the ribs with the toe of his shoe.

"Leave me alone." I said

Disdain. Pride. Pleasure. _This kid is pathetic._ "Why don't you make me, Black? What're you gonna do, ask your dad to come and finish me off for you in the night?"

I doubted Sirius Black remembered my mum, Leah, who had been his fiancée, much less that he knew I existed, but that was just another thing for them to throw in my face and so I didn't say anything. I just stood up and brushed the dust off myself.

Impatience. Longing to be the center of attention. "Careful Murphy," said a stocky blonde boy "Black looks angry. I think he's going to kill you himself." Sarcasm dripped off every syllable and the students around us exploded into laughter. I mused that killing them might have its advantages, but it wasn't a serious consideration. I tried to push my way through the throng of people so I could at least get into a more open space rather than being crowded against the wall in the narrow drafty Flinn's hallways.

Conceit. Scorn. Delight. "Where you going Black?"

"Probably to owl his dad."

"Yea, they mean to kill us together. That's what passes for quality family time in the House of Black."

Someone pushed me back so I was surrounded by the horde of students again. Foreign thoughts buzzed in the back of my head, and I heard some clearly, mostly people thinking of more ways to slander the House of Black and my father. I reminded myself that it could have been worse, they were only attacking verbally and I supposed could deal with a little pushing. I was only in trouble if one of them thought to draw their wand.

Contempt. "Don't just stand there Black. Why don't you show us some of those Death Eater curses your father uses?"

I tried to get away from them one more time, pushing more viciously this time. I suddenly felt like my brain was going to implode, there were so many people crowded around me and they were all thinking about me. I could barely sort one thing from another in my brain but I heard every word of their thoughts. Still the crowd was unyielding. I was having trouble thinking straight, but I knew one thing: I had to get out of there. I drew my wand, they couldn't give me detention. This was a provoked attack.

_Idiot. He's outnumbered._ Pride at successful manipulation. Fear. "Look out guys, Black's gonna kill us all."

"He's gonna blow you to bits."

"You're not mad at us, are you Black?"

The last taunt was accompanied by a shove that nearly knocked me into the boy who'd pushed me over in the first place, a tall fifth year named Murphy. I tried to remember a hex I'd learned in my Defensive Magics course, but I couldn't concentrate properly with all the outside noise inside my mind and the spell wouldn't come.

Arrogance. "Well, Black, you gonna hex us or not?" said Murphy

I couldn't remember any spells at all. I started to panic. I just had to get out to a place where I could think properly, but I was trapped.

"Leave me alone." I said again, and I could tell my voice was higher pitched than usual and sort of thin sounding, like I wasn't breathing right.

"You're not scared, are you Black? You're the one with a wand, if you want us to leave you alone you can come and make us."

One more try at shoving my way out. I felt like I was suffocating on the thoughts invading my mind. Murphy made to push me back into the center of the little circle but I felt my arm speed out to hit him on the side of the face and he moved aside. I couldn't quite tell what I was doing. I just knew I had to get to some place where I could clear my head.

Fear. Regret._ Black's finally snapped. _

Astonishment. _Holy Hippogriff, he's lost his marbles!_

Pain. Anger. Panic. _He hit me! He freaking hit me! I'm telling a teacher. _

I don't really remember all that happened as I pushed out of the throng of students. By the time I was on the edge of the crowd no one tried to shove me back anymore. I do know that I kicked and punched and I think I might have even bitten someone before people realized that it was safer to just get out of my way. The closer I got to being a good distance from the other students though, the more people were thinking about me. The less noise there was outside my mind, the more there was inside. Finally I just leaned back against a wall and slid down until I was in a sitting position. I closed my eyes and tried to think.

The next day I was expelled from Flinn's School of Magic for attacking and injuring the other students. Leah was cross but determined when she met me in the Headmaster's Office. I kept trying to explain what had happened, about how the other students had crowded me in and wouldn't let me leave and how I hadn't meant to hurt anyone, but I had to get away from them. I couldn't quite describe to Professor Barrister the way it felt to have so many foreign thoughts inside your head that there was no room for your own, and how suffocating it was and how I had just gone into a blind panic. He insisted that no matter what the circumstances were I had attacked the other students without any real provocation.

"You have no right to expel him!" said Leah "Tim's always had to put up with being pushed around by the other students ever since we came here and you never saw fit to do anything to stop them. If it finally came to be too much so that he had to take matters into his own hands then I think it's your fault for not intervening sooner. You could have kept a better watch over the students and this never would have happened."

Impatience. Injured Pride. Pity. Professor Barrister leaned forwards and looked Leah straight in the eye. "Ms. Smith" he said to her, but I could tell it took him a second to remember to call her by her maiden name and not by Sirius's name. "I'm going to be very honest with you. Tim's been a concern to me ever since he first came here. I got a lot of letters from parents and I intercepted a lot of letters from parents that were meant for Tim. He's had people very worried, and while I do sympathize with you having to deal with his Subconscious Legilimency, I'd never hear the end of it if I let him stay after this."

Leah had that look in her eye like she wanted to hex Professor Barrister into little pieces, but she just said "Alright, fine. I'm not going to waste my time here. I guess it's just good you made your misguided expulsion near the end of the year anyways. I moved to Ireland so that Tim wouldn't have to be at Hogwarts while Sirius Black was at large. I wanted to keep him away from all this, but I'm beginning to think he would have been better off there. At least Albus Dumbledore is competent." She took me by the arm and in no time at all we were flooing back to our flat. Leaving me with the thought that after two very long years, I was going back to Hogwarts.


	2. White Out

**Shades of Grey**

By: Orii15

**Chapter One**

**White-Out--The Only Way to Correct Mistakes in Pen Without Starting a Small fFre, or Feeding the Paper to a Small Animal**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, and though the prospect makes me absolutly misereable I feel I must take this opportunity to state that I never have and never will and that I'm not claiming any kind of ownership by publishing this fanfiction. However, I remain stubbornly determined that Tim Black is mine no matter who everyone else belongs to. _**

_A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter and especially to Ramses who has been reading this fic since before I re-wrote it. I'm sorry you had to wait so long in between, but I had a lot to fix. I wasn't going to post this chapter yet because there wer another couple of scenes I wanted to add onto it, but I got a really terrible writer's block on them and so I decided to put up what I had incase anyone was waiting for it. It's not as long as the Prolougue, but the difference is only some 300 words and Chapter Two is proving to be a real pain to write so you know it'll be real long. _

_Anyways, I'm done talking, y'all probably skipped this part anyways, didn't you?_

_--Orii_

* * *

It didn't take very long for Leah and me to pack up our things and move from our small flat in Ireland to a smaller but slightly more expensive one in London. We really didn't have very much by way of material possessions and even in the tiny flat it surprised me how open everything was after we moved in all our furniture. Leah had been reluctant to move us back, she kept saying she thought changing schools was a compromise to my education, but she was just saying that. We both knew I that couldn't—wouldn't—go back to Flinn's now.

Hogwarts life certainly seemed more exciting than life at Flinn's, where the event of the day was usually me. In fact in the last four years they'd been home to the sorcerer's stone, the heir of Slytherin, an attack by an infamous murderer (my father) and the Triwizard Tournament. I thought all this activity would probably distract the other students from me, after all Harry Potter went there so what interest could the illegitimate son of a wanted criminal hold for the students? Leah was less optimistic, she never said it out loud to me, but I kept catching her thinking that sending me to a big school like Hogwarts could only lead to another incident like what happened at Flinn's on a larger scale.

Leah was only mollified to the prospect of our living in England when she got her old job back as an Auror. Leah had been working as an Auror in England ever since she graduated from Hogwarts, but when we'd moved the Irish branch of the ministry would only give her a desk job as a glorified secretary in their Auror's office. She hadn't liked it—Leah was one of those people who despised paperwork of all kinds, and most especially _other_ people's paperwork—but she'd learned to slog through it, with the help of the occasional Firewhiskey with dinner. The prospect of finally being back on the job seemed to put Leah into a much better mood. The summer found her waking earlier than she might have liked but singing in the shower and coming home late, but usually with a smile or at least a feeling of having accomplished something.

My summer was slightly less eventful. It consisted mostly of books and Occlumency. There wasn't much to do in our flat, and at first Leah didn't want to leave me by myself all day, but alone is what I do best. It was almost a comfort after spending so long at Flinn's where I was surrounded by people all the time. I enjoyed being alone with my thoughts on those days. It was a pleasant change I wanted to be able to keep once I entered Hogwarts, which is the reason I spent a half my time sitting in our flat with my eyes closed, clearing my head and the other half trying to hold up the barrier I created. Of course I couldn't know whether my Occlumency was working or not when I was shut up in our flat and so I started wandering all around our neighborhood, seeing how long I could last.

At first I stayed close to our building, playing it safe in case I had to run back to the isolation of our flat, but as the days went on I started building up more of a tolerance and I went farther and farther. I still couldn't block out every outside thought for longer than half an hour at a stretch, but I discovered there was a kind of half-shielding I could do that let me tune out the thoughts I was hearing until they were at a tolerable level. After I started to get the hang of holding up that shield I practiced conjuring it faster and faster until I could do it in a matter of seconds. I'd never made the kind of kind of progress with Occlumency I made in those two months at Flinn's where I'd been practicing it for almost a year, but in London I had hours and hours to spend all by myself to clear my mind if I needed them and I think that helped me to move farther when I was around people.

After the first week or so, Leah and I made an unspoken pact not to try and talk about anything I'd done during the day over dinner, because it bored us both so thoroughly we were likely to end up asleep with our faces in our food. Instead Leah told funny stories about her work, and on the evenings when she came home particularly late but smiling for my sake she usually made up funny stories about her work and tried to pass them off as the real thing. About half-way through the summer I noticed that she was consistently coming home later two or three nights a week deep in thoughts I couldn't understand. One night she saw me staring at her, trying to understand what was going on inside her mind—I don't usually use my SCL to snoop, but it's not often an advantage for me and so when it is I try to get as much use out of it as possible—and she blocked me. I'd never known Leah knew Occlumency, though I probably should have guessed since she was an Auror, but she'd never blocked me from hearing what she was thinking before.

I must have looked shocked and hurt because Leah came to sit next to me on the couch.

**Guilt. Anxiety. **"Sorry, Tim. I just have a lot to think about—and a lot to tell you—and I'm not sure if you're ready to hear it yet."

I concentrated on figuring out what she was feeling, since that was all I could sense from her with her thoughts blocked. "Did I do something? Do they not want me at Hogwarts anymore?"

**Surprise. **"Nothing like that." She sighed "I guess I should just tell you everything now, you'll get to it sooner or later anyways. I can't block you forever. It's harder to keep you out than I thought." She ran a hand through her hair, short and brown, but not without hints of silver, and stopped blocking me. "I can't explain everything to you, there are things only a Secret Keeper can tell you, but I'm going to say all I can, alright?"

I nodded.

"Okay." Another hand through her hair, _'How do I explain this to him?'_ "You know Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore are talking about Vo—_you-know-who_—returning at the end of last year?"

I nodded again but didn't add the part about how the newspapers were all talking about how Dumbledore had gone senile and Harry Potter was an attention-hungry lunatic. I didn't think Leah would appreciate that, and she knew already anyways.

"It's true. Everything they've been saying, it's true. He's back."

I felt kind of like I'd had the breath knocked out of me. He was back. You-Know-Who had always seemed like a name in a textbook to me, albeit a name in a recent text-book who was always described as the most terrible dark wizard of all time, but I'd always over looked that detail was because of the sentence that followed it. 'Defeated by Harry Potter in 1980', and then came the elaborate praise of Harry Potter as the savior of the Wizarding World. It had seemed like a closed subject, another story with a happy ending, every Dark Wizard died eventually. There were still would-be Death-eaters hanging around but they were in hiding or incarcerated or on the run (like my father) and therefore not a real threat. It's funny how two words in the right context can rip your world apart.

**Concern. **"Are you okay, Tim?"

I nodded "It's just—well, scary actually. Especially when you say it so calmly."

"I know. It's terrifying. That's why I joined the Order." She saw the question on my face before I got a chance to say it "The Order of the Phoenix is a secret society run by Albus Dumbledore that works against You-Know-Who and his followers."

"You're working against Sirius Black then?"

**Discomfort. Guilt. **"No, not really." A guilty smile played on her lips "Actually it's the opposite. Sirius Black is in the Order and I work with him."

"I don't understand."

Another sigh. "I know it sounds…impossible…but he's innocent. The whole thing, it was an elaborate framing."

"If he's innocent, why isn't anyone working to clear his name?"

"They don't have the evidence. Peter Pettigrew, the boy they all say he murdered, he's responsible for Sirius being put in Azkaban, but he's with You-Know-Who. There's no case without Pettigrew, just a murderer and what will sound to everyone like a phony testimony. They'd just throw him back to the dementors."

"Have you been talking to Sirius a lot lately?"

"As much as I can, after Order meetings, at first I was furious with him, but you can't honestly blame him for anything that's happened."

I wasn't so sure about that, but I didn't tell Leah. She was really happy to have found my father after almost fourteen years and I wasn't going to be the one to ruin it for her. "Can I meet Sirius? Would the Order let me see him?"

**Relief. Delight.** "I think I could arrange something. They can't not let him see his own son, after all. I've told to him a lot about you, he's curious."

Curious. In the days in between my talk with Leah and the day I was going to the Headquarters of the Order it was harder for me to clear my mind, for once because my own thoughts didn't want to stop. My half-shield became harder to conjure and I had to stay in the flat more because I wasn't used to walking around without it anymore. I tried to keep busy and not to think too much about Sirius Black, but I couldn't help but think about him. In a way he was responsible for all the torments I'd had to put up with at Flinn's and for my SCL too probably—I couldn't think of any experience that could have been more traumatic for Leah during her pregnancy with me than having her fiancé arrested—but somehow I didn't want to blame him. Not yet.


	3. Nice to meet you too, Dad

**Shades of Grey**

**By: Orii15**

**Disclaimer: Last I checked I don't own Harry Potter. I don't expect that to change anytime soon either...**

Chapter Two

Nice to meet you too, Dad

I woke up early on the day we were going to the Order, but Leah couldn't get out of work for the day until late that afternoon and so I had a long time to wait. I felt restless and I wanted to pace around our flat until I'd worn a hole in our floor and fallen into the flat below ours, but this seemed like a bad idea even though I was fairly certain it would take several years until there was even a small hole in the floor. Instead I sat behind our worn but comfortable armchair because it was easier to concentrate in that small space and I read a muggle novel Leah had given me called The Hobbit. Leah wasn't really a reading kind of person, and I didn't think she'd read the book before she gave it to me, but I liked it anyways. I like reading a lot because in a good book the people can seem very real, but you never know more of their thoughts than are important. It's sort of like the characters are behind a sheet of glass or on the wrong side of a two-way mirror and you can watch them and know them and like or hate them as needed, but their thoughts are always very clear because they're written down and even when I'm reading about a lot of people it doesn't feel crowded in my mind at all. I tried to tell Leah about this once, but she didn't really understand what I meant.

**Confusion. Embarrassment**. "One of my teachers in Hogwarts used to say that reading a good novel is like being in a different world." she'd offered. That wasn't what I had meant though. Leah sometimes has trouble talking to me about things like that because she's never had SCL and she can't quite figure out how my mind works. I don't care all that much, I've come to find that most people don't really understand that, and I only care if they react like the kids at Flinn's who hated me.

Thinking about these things was a bad idea though, because it made me wonder how Sirius would react to me and my SCL and I had to close my eyes and clear my mind for a long time before I could get back to reading. By the time Leah came home I was more than ready to finally leave and meet my father. That is to say that I was nervous as anything, but I knew I wouldn't be able to think straight until I could get it over with. I could tell Leah was sort of nervous too, and not just in the way I can usually tell because I didn't need SCL to notice the way she kept running her fingers through her hair and sighing like she expected the worst and the way the corners of her mouth kept twitching into a frown.

**Anxiety. Dread**. "Are you ready to go?"

In nodded, it was a white lie, but I was as prepared as was humanly possible to meet my estranged, accused-murderer-on-the-run father.

We didn't floo to the Headquarters of the Order. Leah said the first time you go there you have to approach from the outside, because of all the enchantments on it. So we took a bus and then we walked. It wasn't really that far from our flat and so the trip took us maybe twenty minutes. I kept checking my half-shield to make sure it was still as strong as possible without being draining.

Then we got to the house, or at least where it should have been. I realized why Leah had said we couldn't floo—I couldn't even see the house until I read a slip of paper that told me it was headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. It was a dark house, not just in color, though the thick black door was painted black, the door knocker was in the shape of a silver snake and when we got inside it didn't lighten up at all. An old house, with lots of pictures in ornate frames and a row of severed house-elf heads lining a stairway leading to upper floors. It didn't fit my mental picture of the headquarters of a force representing the side of Light in a war against the most evil wizard of all time. But then, what did I know? I'd only learned You-Know-Who was back a few days ago.

I could tell there were people upstairs, but Leah headed for a doorway on the opposite end of the hall from the stairs and I followed her down into a gloomy basement kitchen where two men sat at the long table talking in low voices. One was thin and tired looking with sandy hair streaked with a good amount of silver but I barely noticed he was there because of the man sitting next to him.

My father looked nothing like the man on the wanted posters. Certainly it was the same face, but the laughing maniac was not what I saw when I looked at him. It's hard to describe what I felt then, more so than it usually is for me to do something like that because to put it concisely, Sirius Black was a broken man. **A perpetual sense of loss, sadness, frustration, impatience, a feeling of being trapped.** The other man stood up when Leah and I entered the room and I wasn't sure, but I thought I heard him whisper "Good luck, Padfoot." before he left.

"Hello, Leah." said my father, standing up to greet us.

She nodded to him "Sirius." Leah placed a hand on my shoulder "This is Tim."

"Hi Tim, it's nice to finally meet you." He gave me half a smile and almost held out his hand for me to shake. '_Wait, do you shake hands with your own son? Should I hug him? Do I wait to see what he does?_'

I shook hands with him. If there was a proper way to greet estranged family members for the first time, I hadn't heard of it yet. "It's good to meet you too. Finally." I said and my voice was quiet because I was nervous.

"How's your week been, Sirius?" said Leah

A swift shrug. **Resent. **"Same as always. You should know that by now Leah, I'm always locked up in this place. What about you? No doubt you've been having the time of your life at the Auror's office?"

"Actually, work's been awful. Fudge's been all uptight about people being in contact with Dumbledore and he found Tim's Hogwarts registration forms and my letters to Albus about them on my desk and it really got his shorts in a twist. I had to explain about how Tim got expelled and of course then your name came up and—well you know how that is."

It would have sounded like a pretty normal conversation if you weren't paying attention to their faces. There was something between Leah and Sirius that I couldn't understand, it certainly wasn't love—not anymore—but it wasn't hatred either. This cold smile-masked toleration scared me more than if they had been fighting outright. Why would they pretend? The nerves were so thick between them you could cut it with a knife, and the tension kept mounting the longer they were together.

"Tim got expelled?" said Sirius

"Yes. It wasn't his fault though. Everything he did was in self-defense."

"Then why did Flinn's kick him out?"

"Because the Headmaster's a b—" Leah glanced at me and stopped mid-swear. "Suffice it to say he's a real sphincter, anyways."

"So you got into a fight, Tim?"

"I didn't want to, but I guess you could call it that. Blind panic is sort of a better word for what happened. They had me surrounded and I couldn't think straight."

**Pride.** "How many of them were there?"

"I didn't count. There were only about five of them who were being really terrible, but I think there must have been at least fifteen more that were just watching and occasionally pushing." I tried to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal. Sirius was probably starting to get the impression that I'd single-handedly fought off a crowd of tormentors only to be unjustly expelled.

**Excitement. **"Why don't you two sit down?" said Sirius motioning to the mismatched chairs at the long table. "I want to talk about this."

I took a seat at the end of the table with Sirius sitting on my left and Leah on my right.

**Irritation.** "I don't want you to make a big deal of what happened to Tim at Flinn's, Sirius." Leah said, and even though her voice was even and calm at the same time it was like ice.

**Frustration.** "I'm not making a big deal out of it. I just want to know what happened."

"No, what you want, Sirius, is a blow-by-blow account of the fist fight you think Tim got into."

"If that's what happened, then yes that's what I want to hear. You said, 'Get involved, get involved. Take an interest.' Now you won't let me even have a conversation with Tim."

"I won't let you try and talk to him about something that didn't happen. I won't let you think he's someone he's not."

"I don't think he's someone he's not! I haven't said that much to him. How much do I know about him to begin with?"

"Well, you've had fourteen years to get to know him. You know what, you didn't even _try_, Sirius."

"How could I bloody try? I was in **_Azkaban_**! What was I supposed to do?"

She rolled her eyes. "Azkaban. You broke out."

"And we'd all be happier if I was back with the dementors I'm sure."

"That's not what I meant. But now that you mention it, I think it might have been better for Tim if you were."

"If you think it would have been better for Tim to be raised without knowing he had a father, then why did you bring him here, Leah? You won't even let me talk to him without trying to control what I'm saying and telling me you'd rather I was incarcerated again. What do you want from me, exactly?"

"I want you to try and be a good father to him. I want you to make up the fourteen years of his life that you've missed. I want you to get to know him as well as I do."

"Well, a lot of progress I'm making, getting to know Tim when you're arguing with my every word. How can I do any of that when all you want to do if fight with me?"

"Oh for Merlin's sakes! I am_ not_ arguing with your every word Sirius, I'm making sure you don't let yourself get the wrong impression of Tim from this."

"I can't get an impression of him at all. I've barely gotten to say anything to him yet."

Leah stood up so fast her chair fell over. "You know what? Fine. You obviously feel your relationship with Tim is being hindered by my being here, and so I'll just up and leave, okay?! Is that what you wanted? To talk to him all alone? Congratulations, you got your wish. Tell Dumbledore I'll be back for the meeting." She left the kitchen, slamming the door behind her.

Sirius grimaced. "Is she always like that?"

I shook my head. "I've never seen her that mad before. After I got expelled she was pretty angry, but that wasn't the same thing."

**Embarrassment. Curiosity. **"So what happened with that anyways? Why were you expelled?"

I shrugged. "It's not really a big deal, what happened. The kids there always picked on me, because I'm sort of small and I transferred from another school and—"

"And your dad's a mass murderer."

I had been trying to steer safely around that little detail of it, it seemed like Sirius was already being made to feel very guilty about me by Leah and I didn't want to get into that. "Yea that too, I guess. I was going to say because I have SCL. That's why I got so panicked anyways, they surrounded me and I couldn't think straight. And after that I don't really remember. It wasn't a great fight, just a rush of adrenaline."

"Well, still. With at least twenty of them surrounding you, you can't say that's nothing."

"I only really hit maybe four of them, the rest got out of my way. They thought I'd gone crazy."

The brown-haired man from before poked his head into the kitchen nervously **Curiosity. Anxiety.** "Sorry you two, Dumbledore just got here and we've got to start the meeting." **Concern. **Remus lowered his voice a little and said "Sirius, I think you should apologize to Leah when she comes back down."

**Annoynce. Frustration. **My father made a noise like a snort. "Yea, thanks Remus."

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A/N: New chapter coming soon. I'm still wokring on the writing-a-little-bit-every-day part of this story but weekly updates are a goal for me. Please review if you've got the time, I'd love to hear any comments you have. As always, the world refuses to stop eing so full of things like school and winterguard and music and novels that continually distract me from my life, which I may say is this story in a way that I mean only slightly in sarcasm.

--Orii


	4. Small Revelations

Shades of Grey

By Orii15

Disclaimer: Unfortunetly I do not own Harry Potter. No matter how much I wish I did, the fact is it belong s to J.K. Rowling. My counselor tells me it's important that I accept this and move on. I say 'Screw you, let me have my daydreams.'

A/N: Sorry for not updating for so long, my Winterguard made it to State Finals and due to that, general stress, and severe wrier's block, I couldn't quite get this chapter onto paper. But now it is. And I know exactly where I'm taking this story. Hopefully I'll have another update posted before the end of the week.

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Sirius turned to me. **Regret. Relief. **"You should probably go upstairs with the other kids before people start coming down here for the meeting. Go up those stairs and cross the entranceway, then go up_ those_ stairs and it's the second landing, first door on the left." **Concern.** "Do you want me to show you?"

I wasn't sure about the directions, but I needed some time to myself to think. I shook my head. "I'll find it. See you later, Sirius." I gave him a half-smile which he returned.

"See you." _'He's not that bad. Quiet though, you wouldn't think he was the type to get into a fight. I wonder if he got that from Leah or me…'_

I walked quickly up the kitchen stairs and across the entrance hall where Order members were still arriving. I caught a glimpse of Dumbledore, who I recognized by his long silver beard and I thought I saw Leah talking rather animatedly to a witch with pink hair. I wondered if she was relating the fight to her. My head began to buzz with outside thoughts; I put a little more energy into the shield and walked quickly across the hall to the stairs.

The wall of the stairway was lined with the severed heads of house-elves, and I had to stare at my feet the whole way up because I didn't want to think about how they'd gotten there. I stopped on the second landing and opened the first door on the left. The one with four voices inside that I heard with my ears and, very faintly, with my mind. There were two girls and two boys in the room. They stopped in mid-conversation as I entered the room. I stared at my shoes.

"I'm Tim Black" I said, and my voice was quiet and scared sounding. "I—they told me to come up here while the meeting was going on. I hope that's okay."

One of the girls—she looked about my age and had a shock of red hair, myriad freckles and a friendly look to her—grinned at me. _I guess he's Sirius and Leah's son…he looks absolutely terrified._** Compassion. Kindness.** "Leah told us you would be coming here soon, actually. I'm Ginny, by the way. This is my brother Ron." She gestured to a tall boy who shared her freckled face and bright hair. "And this is Hermione Granger." This was a girl with wavy brown hair. "And this is Harry Potter." A dark-haired boy with round spectacles in front of green eyes, I recognized him from the photos I'd seen in textbooks and newspapers. Somehow, seeing him in person it was harder to believe this pale, skinny teenager was the hero who had done so many great things. I stared for a second before realizing what I was doing and looking pointedly back at my shoes.

"It's nice to meet you all." I murmured.

**Surprise**_. He doesn't seem much like Sirius. If he didn't look like him I wouldn't have guessed. _

**Curiosity.** "Leah told us you were fourteen," said Hermione "Are you going to be in fourth year at Hogwarts this year?"

I shrugged. "I think so. I'm taking placement exams next week."

**Confusion.** "You have to take _placement_ exams?" said Ron and there was a subtle shock under his words as if he couldn't believe anyone would have to undergo something so terrible.

"It's because I'm a transfer." I said "I used to go to Flinn's School of Wizardry in Ireland."

"I thought all the Wizarding schools taught the same things though." said Harry.

Hermione answered before I could, with the air of one who is constantly filling in the less knowledgeable and has come to enjoy it. "Well, the major schools all do have almost identical curriculums, but there are also smaller private wizarding schools that follow their own curriculums. In the end everyone ends up knowing about the same thing when they graduate from school apart from the differences in culture that effect the individual school's lessons."

"So what's different about Flinn's?" said Ron.

I shrugged. "It's just more expensive is all, and it's a five year course instead of seven. They start kids at age thirteen instead of eleven. I went to Hogwarts for a year before I started going there but they still started me in some of the first year classes."

"So are you going to be a fourth year this year?" said Ginny

I shrugged again "I dunno. That's what the placement exams are for, I guess."

**Curiosity. **"Why did you leave Flinn's?" said Harry "Leah said you left to avoid Sirius, why would she come back and join the Order?"

I stared at my shoes "Leah joined the Order for the same reason everyone else did—to fight You-Know-Who, and I don't really think she and Sirius are exactly picking up where they left off. She said she doesn't blame him for any of the things that happened—to Lily and James and to us—but when she talks to him you can tell—"I frowned and tried to think of the words to describe what I felt between my parents "It's all very cold, like there's a sheet of ice between them. She hasn't really forgiven him and he's blaming her for something too. They're furious with each other. They got into a huge fight before, in the kitchen."

**Understanding.** "They did seem sort of edgy around each other before." said Ginny nodding "They talk nice, and then they glare at each other when they think nobody's looking."

"How do you know that?" said Ron

She shrugged "I saw it last week when Leah stayed for dinner."

"Did you get to talk to Sirius at all before the fight?" said Harry

"Leah stormed off after the fight, and that's when I talked to him. He kept asking me about the fight I got into at Flinn's."

**Shock. **"You got into a fight?" said Hermione

I shrugged "Not so much as some other kids picked a fight with me. I got expelled for it though. They're only letting me into Hogwarts because if we took the school to court they would have to re-admit me anyways."

**Sympathy. **"That sucks." said Ginny "At least they're letting you into Hogwarts though. Dumbledore's probably a much better headmaster than whoever expelled you."

I nodded "That's what I've been told."

"What house are you in, anyways?" said Ron "Or don't you know?"

"No, I know. Unless they can change your house during the placement exams I should be in Gryffindor."

**Relief. **"Oh, good." said Hermione "You're with us. Not that I thought you could be in Slytherin or anything, and of course I don't really condone the inter-house rivalries, but it is good to know you won't have to get in with the wrong sort at school, isn't it?"

I smiled "Yea, I guess so. I don't really know any one anyways though."

**Concern. Surprise. **"Well," said Ginny "you know us. And you probably have people you knew from before when you were in Hogwarts, don't you?"

I shrugged "I never really talked to anyone and the only people who talked to me were Collin Creevy and Professor Lockhart. Collin tried to take my picture a lot, or he asked me to hold his camera and take a picture of him and someone else. And Lockhart always called on me even when I didn't have my hand up, I asked him to stop one day after class and he told me he did it because he wanted me to become more involved in his class. Only I think he just hated me."

Ginny grinned "Yea, Lockhart was a real jerk. And a fraud. You know he didn't really do any of the stuff in his books?"

I nodded. "I suspected as much. I heard he got his memory erased or something."

Ron grinned. "The git was trying to hit Harry and me with that charm, only the wand backfired on him."

"He's not still teaching then?"

"No, but we haven't had anyone else for more than a year either. Lupin—you know him right?—he was there after Lockhart but he had to quit because people found out he's a werewolf. And then last year we thought we had Moody, but it was a death-eater in disguise. He's in Azkaban now though." Ron rattled off the previous defense against the dark arts teachers as though it was just tradition that kept the post from being permanently filled instead of a curse.

The discussion turned to Hogwarts professors and the events of the last two years while I'd been away. Harry didn't discuss the bigger things in much detail, like Voldemort's return, but I was more interested in the story of how he'd met Sirius anyways. I got a very strange feeling when Harry was talking about the offer Sirius made to Harry to have him come and live with him at the end of Harry's third year. This boy I'd only read about in textbooks and newspapers knew my own father better than I did. Even Ginny, who hadn't really taken part in any of Harry's adventures with Sirius, knew him better than I did.

And vise versa—Sirius knew Harry better than he knew me. And perhaps this explained the way Sirius had treated me, trying to make me out as a rash, impulsive person. He saw more of himself in Harry than he saw in me, and instead of trying to find out who I was, he'd been trying to find out where he was in me. He probably hadn't found what he was looking for either. As I'd left the kitchen he'd thought that I was too quiet. Not that bad, but not the type to get into a fight. Instead I was the one who caused fights, like the one at Flinn's when I'd flown out of control and the fight between Leah and Sirius. That was my fault too, because they were fighting about me.

Eventually Lupin poked his head back into the room. His eyes flitted briefly over the five of us, Harry and Ron sitting on one of the room's crooked old twin beds and Hermione and Ginny perched on the other, with me sitting on the floor by the door. **Relief. **"You all can come down now." he said evenly "The meeting's over. Molly says dinner will be ready soon." _At least Tim is getting on well with the other kids. That's one less thing for Sirius and Leah to worry about._

Dinner was an awkward affair. Leah and Sirius still were furious with one another but they sat on either side of me, glaring across the top of my head sometimes but mostly ignoring each other. I didn't eat much, I had a lot to say to Sirius but I wasn't sure I wanted the entire table to hear it all. I shuffled the peas and mashed potatoes around on my plate, trying to block out the thoughts of everyone at the table. I felt sort of like I was going to explode, but not in the way I usually felt it when I was surrounded by people. Tonight my mind was full of my own thoughts.

"Sirius" I said, as the meal was drawing to a close. _It's now or never, I guess._ I thought.

**Surprise.** "Tim?" said Sirius

"Earlier in the kitchen, when you were asking me about that fight at Flinn's, did you want me to have started it?"

Leah snorted and Sirius glared at her, she returned the look with added venom.

**Confusion.** "I don't want you to get into fights, Tim."

"That's not what I asked." My voice was thin and soft. "You don't want me to get into fights, but do you want me to be the kind of person who does anyways?"

"I still don't know what you're—"

"Like Harry is." My voice was quiet, almost inaudible, but it was like ice. "Did you want me to be like him, before you met me?"

_Is he jealous of Harry? What does he want me to say?_ "One Harry is enough." said Sirius. "I think you're fine just how you are."

"And how's that?"

He thought for a long time, staring at his plate but not really seeing it. Finally he sighed and said "I don't know, do I? If that's what you're getting at it's not my fault. I'm not trying to turn you into someone you're not, Tim. I just didn't know what to expect. You're different than the person Leah described to me. And I think we're both in about the same place on this right now—I don't know you any better than you know me. There's probably nothing to do about it except for you to come back as often as you can before school starts and for me to keep on talking to you and stuff. But why did you bring up Harry?"

I shrugged. "When you were trying to figure out who I was, he seemed to be what you were looking for—Brave and reckless and impulsive."

"Maybe I was. I'll try not to, it's just hard."

"You don't see yourself in me."

"I'm probably not the one I should be looking for."

I smiled a little. "Probably not."

When dinner was over I was sad to leave Grimmauld Place, but Leah was only too eager to get away. She even offered to let me side-along apparate with her, because that was the fastest way out. A week passed and Leah didn't bring up our trip to the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, and I wondered what there was between her and Sirius and what there had been before that made her so reluctant to see him again.

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...Yay! Please review. I'm not one to whine but--Pleeeeeeease review?! I would appriciate it alot, even if it's just a few words to tell me what you think. 


	5. Hide and Seek

**Shades of Grey**

**By: Orii15**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. This is probably for the better because...well, you know. **

**A/N: Hellooo everybody. Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed last chapter, I really appriciate it. This chapter is about twice as long as all the others I've posted, but I would ask you to please bear with it. Thank you. **

Once, when I was younger, Leah had taken me to see the Wizard equivalent of a shrink. This was before we had given up on curing my SCL and she was hoping for some kind of insight on my situation. The shrink was not much taller than Leah, who stood about five foot three. He was balding but had combed over three long strands of his thinning once-blonde hair in an effort to hide it. As far as I could tell he thought this was an adequate solution and was unaware of the fact that he looked sort of ridiculous. While Leah waited reluctantly in the anteroom he and I went into his office. I sat on the edge of his couch and watched his long black Quick Quotes Quill flick back and forth over a parchment as he talked trying to distract myself from his thoughts, which were all about me and therefore much clearer than they usually would have been.

When he found out I wasn't paying attention to him he tried a different tactic, asking me to play a game with him.

"Do you like chess, Tim?" he'd asked.

I didn't look at his face, his smile was too wide to be real and I shook my head.

"No?" I frowned at his Grown-up-talking-to-a-little-kid false surprise "Why ever not?"

"The pieces always get all smashed up."

He nodded, but he didn't understand. "You think that's scary, Tim?"

I shook my head.

"Then why don't you like it?" His thick eyebrows crept together like two blonde caterpillars. "They do get better at the end of the game, you know, they don't stay smashed forever."

Flick, flick, flick. The Quick Quotes Quill was nearing the end of the scroll it was writing on.

"Will you tell me why you don't like it, Tim?"

I shook my head. I didn't like chess because I heard the other player's thoughts, obviously. And that was cheating. But I didn't say that.

The shrink frowned and the lines in his forehead deepened. I stared at the hippogriffs flying across his tie. Red, yellow, green, blue. They fluttered across the fabric. I wanted to touch it and see if I could feel them moving. "Do you want to play a different game, Tim?"

I shrugged and watched as the Quick Quotes Quill made irritated little scribbles.

"What games do you like, Tim?"

Another shrug.

"Well, what games do you and your mother play?"

My turn to frown. My mother's name was Leah and that was what I called her, unless we were around other grown-ups, and then she insisted I call her "Mom" just in case they thought it was disrespectful. I wondered whether Leah or Mom was correct to say to this man. I ended up compromising. "We do hide and seek."

Flick, scribble, flick. The Quick Quotes Quill seemed to think this was important.

"Hide and seek?" The shrink's smile was too wide again. "That's one of my favorites! Why do youlike that game so much, Tim?"

I shrugged. The Quill scratched its way along the parchment.

"Are you a good hider?"

I nodded. The Quill scrawled excitedly.

"Do you like to hide, Tim?"

I shrugged.

"Does it make you feel safe?"

"It makes me feel alone."

The Quill was writing so fast I thought smoke might start rising from the parchment at any second.

"Do you like being alone, Tim? Don't you get lonely?"

I shook my head. "I'm never lonely." It's hard to miss company whose voices are constantly invading your mind.

The Quill's parchment flipped over and it began to write just as frantically on the other side.

After a painstaking hour sitting on the hard couch in his office the Shrink released me and asked to speak with Leah. He told her I was stoic and introverted and that I had trouble communicating with people because I didn't understand that they couldn't hear my every thought and feel my every feeling even though I could hear and feel theirs. The shrink told Leah that my SCL would make me antisocial and eventually draw me away from the world and into my mind. That was what usually happened to people with SCL; they just locked themselves up in their minds and went mad. He told Leah that unless I learned better communication skills and to make connections with people there wasn't much hope for my avoiding that future. He then proceeded to recommend his own therapeutic course for me, which despite its high price would help me realize what I was doing to myself. Leah told him what he could do with his therapeutic course and took me home. After that I didn't see any more wizard shrinks.

In the week after my visit to Grimmauld Place I was thinking about what that shrink had said to Leah. That was almost eight years ago and admittedly I was almost certain the diagnosis had been quoted almost word for word from some Wizarding Psychology text book and not the Shrink's own work. There was nothing in his thoughts to convince me he was that competent, but the words were true even if they weren't his own. I could sit and watch my conversations with Sirius like they were a film of someone else and his estranged father. I wondered why I hadn't been angry at Sirius for abandoning Leah and I, because there was so much he was to blame for. Only I knew why, it was obvious to me. I had trouble taking sides because I'd seen what Sirius had felt seeing Leah and me. A thousand regrets, a thousand unspoken apologies. I couldn't blame him.

Leah didn't talk about what happened between Sirius and me, or anything that had gone on at Grimmauld place, but I knew it disturbed her. Even though she knew I was never one to be terrible emotional, she had expected something stronger from me upon meeting my father. Something more than understanding and pity, there was a part of her that hadn't wanted me to forgive him, a. A part that wanted me to shout at him all the obscenities that were brewing for him in her heart., she had wanted me on her side. And here I was straddling the fence between my two parents. They didn't love each other anymore. I'd seen that in the coldness of their eyes during their fight and even during the short forced-politeness of their conversations.

For one week Leah was angry with me, then disappointed, then guilty, then proud of my reactions to Sirius. I watched as she tried, not for the first time, to figure me out then finally gave up and decided it didn't matter. It was with a changed but familiar Leah that I set out on Tuesday morning almost a week after Grimmauld Place, to take my placement exams at Hogwarts.

If I'd had all my magical education at Hogwarts I would have been a fourth year, but because of my two years at Flinn's I was ahead in some subjects, almost a year ahead in some cases, and so I had to go through several tests to figure out what would be done with my schedule that year. Several of the professors who tested me looked tired and disgruntled as if they would have rather they were still on vacation and hadn't had to have been reminded of how close the start of term was by that silly good-for nothing son-of-a-murderer transfer student.

One in particular glared so menacingly at me that the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and the breath caught in my throat. This was Professor Snape, the potions professor. Even without the SCL I could have identified the hatred that was in his eyes as he asked me several questions about the Potions regime at Flinn's and then assigned me a difficult potion I'd never heard of before.

**Loathing.** _Smug look just like his father. Can't believe Dumbledore let him in—_

Suddenly it was as if there was a solid brick wall between Snape's thoughts and me. My mind was suddenly empty of Snape's thoughts as abruptly as if someone had switched off my SCL. I glanced up and was greeted with a sneer.

"In future, Black, I would advise you to stay out of the minds of your professors. That kind of carelessness will get you expelled from schools like Hogwarts, no matter what they decided to do about it while you were in Ireland."

"I—Sorry, sir. It's SCL, I wasn't trying to—"

"If I were you, Black" said Snape, his voice was hard and cold but satisfied at my weakness "I would learn to exercise a little self-control over that little gift. Normally I would have you expelled for cheating, but" he smirked "Merlin knows your mother had every reason to be _traumatized_ during her pregnancy with you. What with your father being arrested for murder and all."

I stared at the potions ingredients on my desk, but I could feel my face flush. I'd gotten used to this kind of taunting at Flinn's, but somehow the sting was lost because I couldn't hear the thoughts that accompanied it. I decided that saying something back would only make it worse. Besides, no matter what he said to me, this professor had done me a favor by blocking his thoughts from entering my mind and it would be stupid to waste that precious silence by arguing with him. I switched my focus back to my potion. The professor scowled over me but didn't say anything more until I was leaving.

"You'd better learn to control yourself before the start of term, Black. It is obvious to me that you are too weak minded to stand being around any large number of people without crumpling. Perhaps you'd be better off locking yourself away like your good-for-nothing father."

I frowned at him. "Professor, I don't understand. What did I do to make you hate me, sir?"

"It's more the fact that you exist, if you know what I mean." He sneered. The words sounded rehearsed, like he was quoting something, but I didn't know what. It was just my existence that made him hate me. There was no real come back for that. Ducking my head so I wouldn't have to meet the loathing in his cold, dark eyes I shuffled out of Snape's dungeon.

I finished the exams without any other teacher displaying towards me the same amount of hatred Snape had shown. He was a generally disturbing person and I didn't look forwards to seeing him everyday at Hogwarts. I tried to remember if he had hated me when I was in my first year at Hogwarts, but I couldn't remember. I had sat in the back corner of his class and spent most of the class period distracting myself from the thoughts of my classmates, but that was just like what I did in every other class. I was sure that I'd have remembered if he'd been giving me such dark hate filled glances then as he had now.

The next day I went back to Hogwarts to get my results and to get re-sorted, even though technically that was just a formality since I'd been sorted once already. Most transfer students didn't start at Hogwarts switch out and then come back like I had though. So it was necessary transfer procedure even though it was completely pointless. Dumbledore was waiting for me in his office.

"Ah, Mr. Black. Welcome, I've been expecting you." he said, as I stumbled out of his fireplace. "Please, make yourself at home." he gestured to the comfortable looking chairs in front of his desk. I picked one and sat down, feeling a little guilty because I was sure I was getting soot on it and it looked like a very nice chair. After I had declined a lemon-drop from the Head-master, he began.

"You test results were very interesting, Tim. Your mixed education seems to have left you at a fifth year level in some subjects and a fourth year level in others. After discussing this at length with my fellow professors we feel that it would be redundant for us to place you solidly in fourth year, as you would be far ahead of your classmates in some areas, but also that it would also be rather unfair for us to put you solidly into the fifth year because it would require so much catching up. Therefore the solution seems to be to simply give you a mixed schedule—with half of your classes with your peers in the fourth year and the other half with the fifth years."

"Of course this solution presents two obvious problems. The first being the Ordinary Wizarding Levels, which as you know, are taken by all the fifth years and the second being that, if you were to have a mixed schedule, it would be impossible for you to have all your classes with your own house with out our obtaining a time-turner. However, it is possible for you to take your OWL tests as you complete your fifth year classes. Which would mean you would take half of them this year and half of them next year in fifth year. And of course, due to your unique circumstances, our professors have agreed that it would be possible for you to take classes on your level with students outside your own house, as long as we place you with your peers as often as possible."

"How would you feel about a mixed schedule, Tim?"

I shrugged. "It sounds okay. But I do have a question, sir."

"Well, by all means, I insist that you ask me. I shall do all in my power to answer you."

"Well, sir, you do know that I have SCL and I was—I was wondering if there was any way I could—if there was some class I could take or something to help me get it in better control. Only I don't want a repeat of what happened to me at Flinn's."

Dumbledore nodded "Very well, that does seem to be a legitimate concern. Although of course you realize that none of the courses Hogwarts offers include any extensive work with Occlumency?"

I nodded. "I know that, sir. I've been trying to use Occlumency on my own for almost a year, but I can't quite get it. Would—would it be possible for anyone to tutor me or something?"

"I believe that is completely possible. Our Professor Snape is himself a very good Occlumens, I shall arrange for him to give you extra-curricular help."

An extra lesson with Snape. It wouldn't have been worth it if I didn't need the Occlumency so bad. My half-shield was fine for being around a few people, but I would definitely have to learn better control before I would be comfortable in Hogwarts. My grades had suffered before this from my constant distractions.

After that the Sorting hat was placed on my head. It was too big for me even after almost three years of growth since I'd first tried it on.

_Hmm, interesting. _Said the Hat's voice in my ear. _A Legilimens. So much potential. You've changed since last I saw you, Black. _

'_I was always a Legilimens.' _I pointed out _'That's not a change.'_

_Yes, yes. _Agreed the hat _that's not what I meant. Your choices are different now. Last time I offered you Hufflepuff, but this time…I could put you in Slytherin. _

'_I think I'll pass' _I thought _'I can't be in Slytherin.'_

The hat made a sound like a chortle, _Oh, no. Not you. Believe it or not, you've got it in you to be dark, Black. But you say, not Slytherin. If you change your mind in future I won't be able to transfer you._

'_I won't change my mind.' _I assured it.

_Like Hades you won't. _

'_I won't!'_

_Right then, keep telling yourself that. I haven't been wrong yet—still if you don't want Slytherin then I suppose I'll just put you back in GRYFFINDOR! _

I took the hat off, and wiped away the nervous sweat on my forehead that I hadn't realized was there. Slytherin. That was the last thing I needed right now.

There was less than a week left before school started. Leah and I went out to Diagon Alley on August 31 when the letter with my school supplies listed in it came. She was worried about me and kept asking if I was sure I'd be okay and I kept shrugging and telling her I'd be fine. Still before I left platform 9 ¾ the next day to get on the train she made me promise to write her everyday.

I didn't like being on the train, it was claustrophobic and there were too many people. It didn't help that I didn't know anyone. There weren't many empty seats and the people who _were_ in compartments with space to spare didn't seem too keen on sitting with me for five or six hours. Finally I found Ginny and Harry sitting in a compartment near the end of the train with a dreamy eyed blonde girl who was reading The Quibbler upside down and a plump brown haired boy.

"Can I sit with you guys?" I said. My voice was too quiet and nervous from walking up and down the train corridors for so long trying to find a seat.

Ginny smiled at me "Sure."

"Thanks. No one else had room in their compartment for me." I started to put my trunk in an empty space above the seats and then staggered and almost dropped it on the blonde-haired girl as the train went round a curve.

"Merlin." I said, straining to hang on to the heavy case as I caught my balance again and finally heaved the troublesome luggage into its place. "I'm sorry about that." I said. "It was an accident."

_Oh, he must be talking to me. _The girl looked up from her magazine. "It's fine." she said as her large grey eyes searched my face "I've never seen you before." she noted.

**Amusement. **"Oh, Luna this is Tim Black." said Ginny "He's new this year—well, actually he's a transfer and he was here two years ago but then he left and went to a school in Ireland for a bit—Anyways, Tim this is Luna Lovegood. And over there is Neville Longbottom" She gestured to the brown-haired boy.

"It's nice to meet you." I said, holding out my hand for her to shake.

She stared at it for a second, contemplating and then shook it.

I sat down next to Luna; she didn't so much as look up from her magazine. "Where are Ron and Hermione?" I asked.

Harry scowled "They had to go to the prefects meeting. They should be back soon."

"Oh." I stared out the window as the world passed by us in an almost blur. Voices pounded in the back of my mind. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on bringing up my half-shield. After a moment the voices became muted. I smiled but kept my eyes closed, because it was easier to concentrate that way. I must have fallen asleep because after a bit I was jolted awake by the sound of loud laughter. I opened my eyes and found that Luna was the source of the noise, laughing so hard that her magazine had fallen to the ground.

**Confusion. Embarrassment. **"Are you taking the mickey?" Ron asked her.

"Baboon's….backside!" gasped Luna, laughing so hard it hurt her ribs.

"Are you okay?" I said to Luna.

"Really funny…" was all she could manage.

"Did I miss something?" I asked

Ron shrugged. "It wasn't that funny."

"It was." Choked Luna, finally catching her breath.

Ron rolled his eyes.

Harry was flicking through Luna's forgotten Quibbler. He stopped to read something, frowned and then flicked back a few pages and read something else. After a few moments skimming through the rest of the magazine he closed it.

"Anything good in there?" said Ron half-sarcastic, half-amused at Harry's expression.

"Of course not." said Hermione. "The Quibbler's rubbish, everyone knows that."

Luna was indignant "Excuse me, my father's the editor."

"I—oh." Hermione blushed "Well…it's got some interesting…I mean, it's quite…"

"I'll have it back, thank you." said Luna, she then proceeded to snatch it back from Harry again and turned it back upside down.

The door to the compartment opened and a boy with sleek silver-blond hair and a pointed face appeared, flanked by two huge boys who stood on either side of him for all the world as if they were his body guards. The blonde shot a look at me before he was confronted by Harry that made me take down my inadequate shield to see what he was thinking. The shock of the rumble of voices coming back to me made me jump and for a second I was a little dizzy. But there, indistinct because he was talking to Harry was the blonde's voice.

**Anger. Annoyance. **"Yeah" Harry was saying "but you, unlike me, are a git, so get out and leave us alone."

**Arrogance. Malice. **"Tell me" retorted the blonde "How does it feel being second-best to Weasley, Potter?"

**Outrage. **"Shut up, Malfoy" said Hermione

**Smugness. **"I seem to have touched a nerve." the blonde—Malfoy—smirked "Well, just watch yourself, Potter, because I'll be _dogging_ your footsteps in case you step out of line."

"Get out!" Shouted Hermione standing up.

Malfoy smirked at her but otherwise ignored the outburst and instead turned to me. _Now or never._ "Black." he said "I need to talk to you."

"What you need to do" said Harry "Is get the he—"

"Talk about what?" I asked. I was focusing in very hard on Malfoy's thoughts now. They felt like he was following a plan, orders from someone else. His eyes widened for a second, as if he'd felt me and then I was clumsily blocked from his mind. It wasn't anything like the block Snape had done—that had been like putting up a brick wall around his thoughts while Malfoy's was more like a silk screen.—still it stopped me from hearing him clearly.

"Nothing I can say in front of this lot, obviously. If you want to find out, Black, you'll have to come with me."

"He doesn't have to go anywhere!" said Ginny, who had been quiet until now "Get out of our compartment or—"

I stood up and walked to Malfoy. "Fine."

Ginny stopped mid-sentence. I knew going with Malfoy wasn't the smart thing to do. A part of me knew that, but it was a small part. The rest of me wanted to hear what he had to say. It was curious. It took me a very long time to recognize the smaller part as the voice of reason and the larger one as the stupid part. So I followed Malfoy through the narrow hallway of the train to his compartment. Crabbe and Goyle stayed in the corridor and then Malfoy closed the door. That was when my stomach began to twist in fear. This was not good.

"My name is Draco Malfoy." he began, when we were both seated. "We're cousins, you and I, Black. You probably didn't know that. Only that's not my point, see while you were off in Ireland there's been a war starting here. The Dark Lord is back, and Dumbledore's lot—Potter and them—they're the losing side, Black. When this is all over, there won't be enough of them left to fill a fairy egg. That's what I wanted to talk to you about—sides. You stay with them, and you're going to Hell in a hand-basket, but you join us—the possibilities are endless, Black. When everything's done—when the world is pure again, and all the muggles and Mudbloods are gone—the people who join Him now are going to be the kings of the Wizarding Race. You could be with us, one of the kings. What do you think of that?"

I frowned. This was the last thing I'd expected to hear. "You're a death-eater." I breathed. My voice was soft and weak.

Malfoy shook his head "Not yet. I'm not getting initiated until I'm sixteen. My father is though. He told me to talk to you. There are...opportunities for you with us, Black. You're smart—I know you got skipped ahead in some subjects, and you're a strong Legilimens, you're already friends with the Gryffs. Hell, you could be a spy, even. You could be my partner—next year, when I'm initiated—you could help me."

I stared at the floor, I felt sick. This wasn't happening. This was a dream. This death eater's child asking me to join Voldemort. "I can't do that." I said. My voice was still too soft, but it didn't shake or waver, it wasn't a weak voice.

I felt his eyes boring into me "Why not?" He sounded more like the sneering bully he'd been back in the compartment with Harry and Ron now. "What've you got to lose, Black? This is in your blood you know, this side of things. You'd even be my equal if your parents weren't blood traitors. This is the chance of a lifetime, rarer maybe. Better, than a lifetime maybe. This is your chance to bring glory back to the House of Black. It's not just me asking you either. Really, it's the Dark Lord himself. He's asking you to live up to the Pure Blood of the House of Black that flows in your veins. To bring honor back to your family name. Don't you want that?"

"There's no honor in what your side does." I said "Killing people for no reason. You said it yourself—you're going to kill all the muggles and muggle-borns. It's not glory. It's not the winning side. It's Hitler."

Malfoy frowned at me. I wasn't sure but it seemed like he was trying to remember who Hitler was. Finally it seemed to come to him and he chuckled a little. "You're seeing it through Dumbledore's eyes, Black. They're not our _equals_. They're not real wizards. Muggles, they're the scum of the earth. We're hiding from them, our whole world is, doesn't that seem wrong to you? That we, the stronger race, should be the ones in hiding? They're stupid anyways, what do they know about anything? We're practically running the world behind their backs and they don't even know we exist. They kill each other all the time anyways, with their stupid machines. Mud-bloods are even worse. They're a disgrace to the name Wizard. Our kind doesn't need to have anything to do with muggles, and here they are born of scum. They're poisoning the air by breathing it. They're tainting the school—tainting the world. Can't you see that?"

I shook my head. "It's wrong."

"Why? Why is it wrong to put them out of their misery?"

"Because they're not miserable. It's not euthanasia, it's murder. They don't have magic, it doesn't make them worthless."

He laughed again "Really? What are they good for than?"

"What are _we_ good for?"

"Don't give me that crap, Black. We're _Wizards_. The muggles are not our brothers. They're a bloody menace."

"I won't join the war with you, Malfoy. I haven't agreed with a single thing you've said to me. I don't kill for sport."

"You've been brain-washed by Dumbledore. You think you can win the war because you're fighting for the Light. Love conquers all." Malfoy laughed. "You're an idiot, Black. Your parents loved each other once and you're all they got out of it. Now they hate each other and they don't really love you. Potter and his lot, _they_ don't need you. You know nobody here remembers you at all? Not even your precious Mudblooded friends. I'm the only one who'll ever recognize you without being introduced first. What do you know about good anyways?"

"Maybe I don't know anything about good. But I've seen hate. I've seen cruelty for cruelty's sake. If good is the opposite of that I'll take my chances on that Hell in a hand-basket part."

"You don't know anything, Black." He scoffed "This is the Dark Lord we're talking about. He's not going to just let you off. I'm not a death eater yet but I know how it works. You get one chance to join without anyone else getting hurt. You say no and he'll get your family and your friends. He'll kill everyone important to you if he really wants you. Then you get another chance, you say no then and he'll curse you until you're half-dead and ask you a third time. Ultimately it's join or die, but innocents die in between." For someone who had talked so calmly about killing before he sounded genuinely haunted by this last revelation.

It hurt. Leah and Sirius—they were the most important people in my life—it hurt to think of them dead. "Why does he want me?" I choked. "I'm—I mean I'm nothing."

Malfoy shrugged "I don't know." his voice was low, less confident now. "Why does he want anyone? It's just a matter of who's talented and who's not. Who's willing to kill." He frowned at the ground for a second and then the mask of confidence was back "Look, Black, consider this cousinly advice, sometimes I think maybe it's wrong too, that I'm on the wrong side, but even though it's not the Right side, it's the winning side. Isn't that what matters in the very end? If you pick Potter, you're going to lose everything when he loses. If you pick us now, you can protect your family. And maybe you'll hate every second of it, but you'll come out on top. In the end, you know."

I frowned. "I don't know if I can do that."

"I'll give you a week." He said "Think about what I told you." His face was hard but there was sympathy in his eyes.

I turned to leave the compartment. Malfoy rapped on the door and yelled for Crabbe and Goyle to get the hell out of the way. I moved as fast as I could down the corridor. I felt sick. A spell hit me in the back and I fell face first onto the floor. I scrambled up and turned around to see Malfoy watching me from the doorway of his compartment, he was putting his wand away. I considered hexing him back for a second, but thought better of it. Instead I ran to find a bathroom. I hadn't eaten much breakfast—I'm not a morning person and Leah had gotten me up too early—but what little there was ended up in the toilet.

**A/N: Aw, poor Tim. I'm so excited for this story--I'm finally getting back to my plot! Please review, and tell me what you think. Thanks for reading.**

**--Orii**


	6. Nightmares

Shades of Grey

By Orii15

Disclaimer: Just in case the last five disclaimers didn't already convince you I'll tell you once more--I don't own Harry Potter.

A/N: Sorry it's been a while, I've been stressed out. School sucks, and I always get stuck doing all the work on group projects. Anyways, I got a new computer so as soon as I get Word installed on there updates will come much faster.

After I'd finished emptying my stomach into the toilet I just sat there for a moment, letting everything that had just happened catch up with me. There was the heavy wave of all the thoughts of the people on the train. For once I didn't try to drown it out, because I didn't want to have to think about Malfoy or Death Eaters or killing. I didn't even want to think about Hogwarts or Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Neville waiting back in our compartment. So I didn't. I don't know how long I hid in there. It was a small space, barely large enough to hold a person, a sink and a toilet, but I didn't mind that. Eventually there was a loud knock at the door and I snapped back to reality. How long _had_ I been hiding? I stood up and opened the door, with a grateful sigh a small, blonde, first year who had been practically bouncing up and down in his haste, pushed past me into the bathroom.

I started back towards our compartment. Would the others believe me when I told them about Malfoy? I knew they didn't like him much, but even so an accusation like this was strong stuff. If we all went to Dumbledore as soon as we could, would _he_ believe us? Surely, surely if he didn't take my word for it then he would accept it if Harry Potter was there backing me up. Hadn't Harry and the others had more than their fair share of dealings with the Dark Lord every other year they were in school? This was no different; it just meant they had a head start this year. Would Malfoy be sent to Azkaban? He had just been following orders, even if he had believed most of the things he had told me I had seen fear in his eyes at the end.

But what if that fear was there for a reason? I remembered the part where he'd talked about the three chances a person was given. One to go along with everything from the start, one to go along after everyone they cared for had been killed and one after they had been tortured half to death. If I said no to him what would that mean for Leah and Sirius? Could I refuse the offer if their lives were on the line? And who would Malfoy tell if I did say no? Who would carry out the murders? (My stomach twisted at the thought. Murders.) Would it be Malfoy's father? Was he the one telling Malfoy what to do? And where did he get his orders? How close to the Dark Lord were the Malfoys? And if I turned Malfoy in, what then? He was obviously the bottom most end of a very long chain of command—the mouthpiece of someone higher up. Would it be any use to turn him in? Would it really save Leah and Sirius?

I sighed. There were too many variables. Too many unknown factors that could complicate things. I wouldn't be able to figure this out all by myself. I was grateful to return to a compartment full of people, a strange end to a stranger event. No sooner had I opened the door than did they begin to pelt me with questions and thoughts.

I sank into my seat and closed my eyes for a second; rebuilding the shield I had taken down before I left. Then I turned back to face them.

"Sorry about that." I said "I'm just—overwhelmed."

"What did Malfoy want?" said Harry

"He was trying to recruit me. I know it sounds weird but he's working for Voldemort. He's not a death eater—not yet—but he told me they wanted me on their side. And he said all this stuff about how they'll be killing muggle-borns and muggles—all of them. He called them the scum of the earth—and, well then he said they want me to be a spy. And I'm scared—I mean, it's just really unexpected. I need you guys to come with me when I go to tell Dumbledore later." That's what I wanted to say. Only it wouldn't come out. I felt like I was choking on the words, it was like they were literally stuck in my throat.

This is what actually came out "He—ungh!—he—"

"Are you okay?" said Ginny "He didn't hex you or anything?"

"I—"Still they wouldn't come. That was when it clicked. Malfoy wasn't stupid, even though he was on the wrong side, he would have known—or been told—that I would probably refuse and that I would probably go straight to Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny and that as soon as I could I would talk to Dumbledore. Someone had known that and given Malfoy a spell to stop me from giving them away. I was on my own.

"You look really sick." Ginny was saying "If he did anything terrible you can just tell us and we'll curse him until he doesn't know which way's up."

I had to say something. The others would just assume that Malfoy had wanted to talk to me about stupid things, like he had with them. Why let them worry? Malfoy wanted this to be our battle, so I would fight on my own until I could find a counter to his hex. I was fairly confident that somewhere in Hogwarts there was a book with that spell listed in it—why not? It wasn't as if their library wasn't big enough.

So I shrugged as if nothing was wrong, I shrugged a lot so that wouldn't seem strange to them "He just wanted to—you know, to rub—you know, about my father—and everything in my face." Luna and Neville didn't know about Sirius yet, so it was better not to say anything.

**Suspicion.** "If that's all he wanted he could have said it in front of us." said Ginny

"Well, he knew you guys would've beaten him up."

**Anger. **"Why did you go with him?" said Hermione "He could have done anything to you once he had you on your own."

"I—I don't know. Only the way he said it, he made it sound like it was more important than it actually was. I was curious."

**Concern.** "You ought to stay away from Malfoy" said Ron "He's just trouble. Especially if he knows about your dad."

**Curiosity. **"What exactly did he say to you?" said Harry "About your dad, I mean."

I shrugged, why for Merlin's sake couldn't I have thought up a different lie? This was going to come back and bite me later, I could feel it. "Something about blood-traitors. Scum of the earth. Disgrace to pureblooded wizards. That kind of stuff."

Harry was unconvinced "You were gone for a really long time. Is that all he said to you? Only Malfoy's dad's a death-eater and—well we don't know how much Malfoy knows actually. So if he said anything—you know."

"Nothing about Death-eaters." Perhaps I'd answered a bit too quick, but if Harry caught that he didn't say anything else. Part of me wanted to push the curse, see how much I could say before I started choking on my words again, try writing things down and talking in riddles if I had to, but a bigger part of me wanted to just deal with it myself. If Malfoy wanted this to be a one on one thing, I'd let that be.

The rest of the train ride was silent, eventually we changed and the train started to slow down as we neared Hogwarts. I felt Ginny's eyes and mind on me more than a couple of times during the ride, but I just stared at my shoes. I couldn't tell her more than I already had. But if she'd known I was lying about what had happened in Malfoy's compartment she didn't say anything out loud about it, for which I was grateful.

I felt like the Start of Term feast was a blur, partly because I was preoccupied, trying not to look at the Slytherin table and partly because—much as I hated to admit it—Snape had been right about my Occlumency skills, it was beginning to take a lot of work to keep my shield up. If anyone had asked me the next day what people were talking about or what food was served I wouldn't have been able to answer. I do know that I dreamed about death-eaters that night.

When the dream began I was all by myself, walking familiar hallways, somehow some part of me knew where I was going even before I realized where I was. The grey stone hallway might have seemed like Hogwarts at first glance, but it was too narrow, the ceiling was too low, the windows too few and the view out of them was wrong, showing not the green grounds of Hogwarts, but the tree encumbered skyline of Flinn's. Once I recognized where I was my chest began to feel tight with fear, I remembered too well the bullying I had forgone here.

I strained my ears and mind for the sounds of people, but it was strangely silent. Normally I relish silence, because I don't see much of it, but this time it was just another knot in my stomach. Something was not right here. Something was terribly wrong. I kept moving slowly along the grey corridor, edging along close to the wall. There was a corner up ahead, behind it I knew there was a little alcove where I used to sit and try to clear my mind when I started to become over-whelmed. I began to walk faster towards it; I could hide there until everything was okay again. I was getting closer and closer to the corner now, but as I was almost there, something jumped out at me from the alcove, some one with a dark cloak covering their face. I faltered back, but there was nowhere for me to go. The cloaked figure closed in on me, until I was trapped up against the wall.

I sank to the floor and wrapped my arms around my knees, closing my eyes. I wanted to hear this cloaked person's thoughts, the silence was terrifying. I wanted to know what they would do to me now. The Death eater stared down at me from underneath the cloak, and then slowly drew back the hood that had held their face in shadow. A familiar face stared back at me now. Grey eyes darted back and forth as he tried to decide what to make of my expression, pale lips frowned down at me, dark hair fell unnoticed onto the face of my attacker. And then the Tim—because I was the Death Eater who had attacked me—laughed and drew his wand, pointed it at my heart and uttered the killing curse.

I woke up with a scream still fresh on my lips, and drenched in sweat. I couldn't seem to take in enough oxygen; my breath came in huge gasps. I still wanted to scream, but I rolled over so my face was buried in my pillow.

**Fear. Concern. **"You okay?" said a voice from the next bed.

I didn't want to lie and say yes. I just kept my face in the pillow. How I'd hated seeing myself in that cloak, my face, my hand on that wand, hated hearing my voice saying the Unforgivable curse. How I'd hated feeling so helpless, backed against the wall and curling into fetal position like some child. I'd hated the whole dream, but it was still vivid in my mind, refusing to fade like a normal nightmare.

"Hey," Again the voice from the next bed was speaking to me, this time it was closer, it had a hand on my shoulder, "Are you alright? I heard you scream."

I rolled over. The mousy blonde boy I recalled as Collin Creevy drew his hand back in surprise at the quick motion. "I—I'm okay. Just a stupid nightmare."

Collin nodded like he understood "Was it the one where you're falling? That's the worst. I used to dream about falling off brooms and the staircases all the time. When I was a first year I mean. People say there's one where you're in your underwear in front of a whole crowd of people too, but I never get that one. You didn't dream that one did you?"

I shook my head. "It wasn't—I don't remember what it was about." Another lie. I hoped it wasn't becoming a habit.

Collin laughed "You woke up the whole dorm and you don't even remember what you were screaming about."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to scream, it was just really scary."

Collin shrugged "It's okay. You're new right? They'll understand."

"I was here two years ago but then I changed schools for a bit, but maybe that still counts as being new."

"Hopefully they won't hurt you this time anyways. Sage—that's Jacob Sage, he's in the bed closest to the door—he likes his sleep so I wouldn't advise waking him up at two in morning again anytime soon. And Andrew—Andrew Kirke, he's next to Sage—he's a really sound sleeper, so I don't think you even woke him up."

"You don't mind, do you?"

Collin shrugged again "I like to sleep too, you know" he said "but everyone's nervous on the first night here. I'll get back to sleep soon."

"As soon as I stop talking to you, you mean."

He grinned "Whichever. Night." Collin started back towards his bed.

I rolled over again and tried to get back to sleep.

* * *

A/n: Well, that's it. More exciting stuff coming next chapter. And please, please, please, please review. I'm not begging or anything, but I know there are people who have this on Story Alert who I've never so much as heard from. That's really annoying. Drop me a line, kay?

Thanks, and hugs to people who reviewed last chapter, I love you.

--Orii


	7. Seven Kinds of Panic

Shades of Grey

By Orii15

Disclaimer: Do I look like J.K. Rowling to you? I mean, seriously, come on people.

A/N: Okay, I know it's been a long time. Here's the story:My grandpa died and then after that I had finals in school. So then I finally wrote this chapter and had in mind a certain place I wanted to get only by the time I'd gotten there the thing was about 30 pages long. So this is half of chapterzilla the rest of which I should have done by the end of the week. Enjoy.

* * *

Schedules were handed out at breakfast the next morning, right after I nearly had a heart attack when the owls delivering the mail swooped in through the window. Ginny grinned at me, and Collin laughed aloud—a friendly laugh though, not a ridiculing one.

**Annoyance.** "You're not going to do that every morning, are you?" said Sage. He was a serious looking boy with curly brown hair, a spattering of freckles not nearly as impressive as any of the Weasleys', and glasses with narrow rectangular frames that he pushed up his nose a little too often. Collin had assured me before that he wasn't really mean, just easily annoyed and twitchy when he was woken up by the screams of random dorm-mates at ungodly hours.

I shrugged "I hope not. I just forgot they did that is all."

**Skepticism. **"How could you forget that hundreds of owls fly into the Great Hall every single day to deliver mail? You weren't gone _that_ long."

"I didn't _forget._ They caught me off guard."

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the guy who woke up screaming last night is easily caught off his guard."

"Shut up, Sage." Said Andrew Kirke amiably. He was short and skinny with brownish hair and wide face that usually held a broad smile.

Sage mumbled something inaudibly and took a huge gulp of coffee, grimacing as he burnt his tongue.

**Excitement. **"Hey!" said Colin, peering around the other two to look down the table, "Schedules are coming. Hope we don't get Double Potions on a Friday again, that was awful."

**Sarcasm.** "Schedules are coming?!" said Sage in a flat imitation of Collin "_There's_ something you don't see every year."

**Annoyance.** "Shut up, Sage." Said Ginny. I was beginning to think that this was a sentiment repeated around Sage on a regular basis. "It's the first day of term and we have to be around you for the rest of the year so stop being a jerk for a bit and drink your coffee."

**Exasperation.** "Easy for you to say." Said Sage "_You_ got a full night's sleep."

"Give it up, Sage." Said Kirke. "It's not like you aren't more than making up for losing a couple of minutes sleep. Can't you be pleasant or something? At least while I'm eating is all I ask."

Sage rolled his eyes. By this time McGonagall had gotten down to our part of the table and was handing out our schedules. Mine was in two colors, one for the classes I had with the fourth years and one for the ones I had with the fifth years—Potions, Transfiguration and Arithmancy. Colin was comparing our classes over my shoulder.

"All but three." He said happily.

"What three?" said Kirke "Is anyone else taking Divination? I don't want to be all by myself in that class if it's with the Slytherins again this year."

"I did tell you Divination was a useless subject." Said Ginny "Maybe you can drop it for a free period or something."

Kirke nodded absently "I'll probably need it. I heard fourth year Transfiguration is really hard."

"I'm not letting you be my partner this year either," said Sage "You always screw stuff up. You can work with Black and I'll be on my own."

"I don't think I'm in your Transfiguration, though." I said quietly

"That's not possible." Said Sage "What other class could you be in?"

"He got skipped." Said Ginny "Tim's in fifth year classes."

Sage snatched my schedule from me "How are you ahead?" he said, "I remember when you were here in first year, you never _did_ anything. You just sat in the back and worked by yourself and then you didn't come back."

"They have different curriculum at Flinn's." I mumbled. "I'm only ahead in three things."

"Yea, right." Said Sage "And he's modest too, right?" he pressed the schedule back at me "You're ahead in the three hardest classes."

"Yea, well…" I couldn't think of anything to say to that.

"We should get to class." Said Ginny pointedly.

Classes weren't as bad as I remembered them being, and I found that it was easier for me now to work with a partner than it had been before. Sage continued being irritable at me for as long as he could manage. Colin told me that Sage was just one of those people who was always in a bad mood and more the better if he had a scapegoat to project that onto. I worked with Colin in our charms class and passed notes with him and Luna and Kirke during History of Magic—while Sage glared at us over his notes, which he was taking for the sole reason of having the pleasure of denying us a chance to study them before tests, according to Ginny. During Herbology, however, I found myself with out a partner until Luna approached me, wearing a pair of huge red earrings that resembled radishes. I smiled at her.

"Um, you don't have a partner, do you Luna?" I said. My voice was quiet.

**Surprise. Delight.** "No. Nobody wanted to work with me."

"Oh. Well, that's me as well. You want to be my partner?"

_He wants to be my partner! _**Happiness.** "Yes, that would be nice. It's much harder working by yourself."

"Yea, I know what you mean. I'll get the plant if you'll get the pot to replant it in."

"Right."

Luna was easy to work with and easy to talk to too, and although she had a habit of going off onto a completely random tangent, I liked talking to her. Luna was one person who always said what she was thinking and that meant she always meant what she said.

"I haven't seen you much since the train ride, Luna. Are Herbology and History of Magic the only classes Ravenclaw has with Gryffindor?" I moved my dragon's hide glove encased hand towards our plant, a voluminous bloom with bright petals, thorns and large fangs.

"No. We also have Potions with Gryffindor, but Ginny said you're taking that with the fifth years." Luna put one of her hands on the plant's stem just below the bud to hold it steady while I reached in to take the seeds from inside.

"Yea, I do. It's—actually I hated it yesterday, but we've only ever had one class so far." Grimacing I plunged my hand into the flower's mouth and felt around finding several round things I guessed were seeds. "It's not so much that I hate the class as I hate the people I'm taking it with." I made to pull my hand out but the plant bit down hard on my wrist. "Merlin!" I said.

It took both of Luna's hands and my free left one to free my right hand and it's meager handful of seeds.

"Are you okay?" said Luna

"Yea. It didn't get through the glove. It's not supposed to bite though, you think we did something wrong?"

Luna shrugged "Maybe if you held the plant and I got the seeds. My hands are smaller."

"Right. But if it bites you too, then we can always just trade it for a new one…or stun it, I guess."

"Have you talked to Malfoy since the train?" said Luna, who —to my slight annoyance—was proving much more apt at seeding the plant.

"Not since potions." I said, squeezing the bud of our plant a little too hard, so that it made a little noise like a growl and Luna had to pull her hand out quickly before it snapped down hard. "I've been avoiding him actually."

"Because he insulted your father." Said Luna. The look on her face was enough to tell me she knew it was more than that and was waiting to see if I'd tell her.

"Erm—sort of, yea." I said, staring at the ground. "There's more than that, but –it's complicated."

Luna nodded and reached into the plant again, not looking at me anymore than I was looking at her.

Tuesday night was my first Occlumency class with Snape. It felt strange to be finally learning Occlumency from a professor instead of a musty old textbook. It felt stranger to be learning it from a professor who hated me for no apparent reason other than my existence. When I arrived in Snape's office that evening he was waiting for me behind his desk, with a condescending sneer on his face. And this didn't surprise me. Nor did the fact that he was blocking me from hearing his thoughts. I took a seat opposite him at the desk and tried to keep my eyes off Snape and the many glittering jars on his walls because I didn't know what was in them and wasn't eager to find out.

"You're here on time at least." Said Snape. "Which is an improvement over most experiences I've had with your people." I could feel his gaze on me but continued to stare at my shoes. "Now," He went on "You have come to me to learn Occlumency. I shall not deny this request—because the headmaster gave it to me—but you must understand that to treat your particular, ah, _affliction_ Occlumency will not act as a cure-all. You will need more than that to counter-act Subconscious Legilimency."

"What?" I said, looking up before I could help it and regretting it.

Snape glared at me "You will refer to me as 'sir', Black. Despite the fact that we are not in a classroom, I am still your professor and demand the necessary respect."

He caught my eyes for a second and then my gaze was hurriedly transferred back to my shoes "Yessir." I said quietly "But what did you mean, when you said Occlumency wouldn't be enough?"

"Occlumency is used to prevent others from entering ones mind. Your affliction, your subconscious Legilimency, is not an issue of _others_ penetrating _your_ mind, but rather of _your_ mind uncontrollably penetrating those of the people around you. Obviously this means that more work and training must be used before you will be able to control it than if the situation called for Occlumency in and of itself.

"The problem is, Mr. Black, that for you to successfully control your mind you would have to use Occlumency against yourself which is exponentially harder than employing it against another person." Without looking up I could hear the sneer in his voice "Personally, I doubt you'll be able to do it, weak-minded as you appear to be, but the Headmaster asked me to attempt to teach you and I will not disobey him."

"Then what exactly do I have to do, sir?" I said "To use Occlumency against myself?"

"The first step" said Snape "Is to _look me in the eye._ You must not be afraid to make eye contact, it has no effect on your kind of legilimency."

I looked up. "Then why did you want me to look you in the eye, sir?"

"Stand up, Mr. Black. You must first learn to use Occlumency against someone else before turning it on your own mind. I shall count down from ten and then attempt to penetrate your mind. Your task is to stop me."

I stood, shifting my weight nervously as Snape began to count. He moved out from behind the desk and so I backed into the open space in the middle of the room and drew my wand as he had already done.

"Four" said Snape. I stiffened "Three…two…one. _Legilimens."_

And suddenly he was there, in my mind.

_I was eleven, riding the Hogwarts Express for the first time. I had my knees drawn to my chest as if becoming physically small would make the voices quieter._

And there was Snape's voice, in my head. As if running a commentary on my memory as it flashed by. What he said—or thought or something like that—was _**Pathetic, Black.**_

_I was six. There was that stupid psychologist again. Asking too many questions I didn't answer._

_**You are handing me weapons, Mr. Black. **_

_I was twelve, trying not to look at the Daily Prophet with Sirius on it. _

_**Have you forgotten the purpose of this exercise, Black!**_

I began to fight. I searched my mind, finding the place where Snape was and pushing him with all my might, not sure if that was the proper approach or not.

_I was at Flinn's surrounded by the other boys, they were making jibes about Sirius and about me. This was just one time out of many and not the one I got expelled for. One of them shoved me, I fell to the ground and they all laughed. _

"GET OUT!" I hadn't meant to shout this aloud but I had, meanwhile giving an almighty push at Snape's presence in my mind.

And then it was over. My head felt like it had been cleaved in two. I sank into the chair, breathing heavily like I'd just run a marathon.

Snape was staring at me. "In future, Mr. Black," he said finally " I would advise you to spend less time reliving your old memories, however _precious_ they may be, and more time stopping the intruder to your mind. You lack focus, Black. You are too easily distracted, a quality you inherited no doubt from your father. Remember for next time that after you recalled what it was you were supposed to be doing you succeeded in less than a minute."

I was holding my head in my hands. "Are we doing that, again right now, sir?" I said, through gritted teeth. I'd never had a migraine before but they couldn't be much worse than this.

Snape registered the fact that I was in pain and thought for a second before saying "Once more."

I stumbled into my dorm half an hour later and near collapsed onto my bed, still fully clothed, not bothering to get under the covers.

"Tired, Black?" said Sage from across the room.

"Shut it, Sage." Said Colin.

I dreamed of Flinn's again that night and of Sirius and Leah and Malfoy and Death Eaters. All the while with the thoughts of the other boys in the dorm fluttering in and out of my head like strange birds or moths. When I woke up I was tangled in the quilt and I thought there might have been a bit of drool on my chin and the headache from the previous night had not left me, but at least I didn't wake up screaming.

At breakfast I got a letter from Leah. As usual her untidy handwriting meant it took a little while to decipher.

_Dear Tim,_

_Hope Hogwarts is treating you well, or more specifically that the other students there are. Or at least better than what happened at Flinn's. You know what I mean, anyways, I've missed you—I know, I know it's only been about three days, but hey, I'm your mum, right? I'm allowed to miss you a lot. I've mostly been working a lot to make up for coming home to an empty apartment. _

_And that reminds me, I know we've already tried to talk about this, but I hope that talking with your dad didn't upset you too much. Thinking back on it I'm now of the opinion that it was a bad idea. I know you said it didn't upset you, but I also know you don't always speak your mind. Sometimes I have to guess what you're really feeling, and most times I guess close to right. So if you need to talk don't be afraid to owl me. (Only Dumbledore says to be careful with what you put in writing, so don't write anything you wouldn't want to be possibly intercepted. And your father says you may refer to him as 'Snuffles' in your letters so as not to say his name. ) And your dad also told me to tell you from him that you can owl him too if you have to. So I guess all said you've got one and a half dependable people to owl (and I think you know who the half is)._

_Not much to say about what's going on here, as I already said I'm just mostly working a lot. But that reminds me of something else I needed to tell you. I'm going to be away for maybe three weeks or a month at tops for work. Can't really give details here, obviously. But mostly I'll be doing stuff for my job. I'll try and write as much as possible, anyways and so that means you have no excuse not to write to me. _

_Much love sent here,_

_Leah_

I frowned at the letter, though it was pretty much a typical Leah letter. My aching head was making it hard for me to think. I tucked the parchment into my bag and decided to write back later. I shoved my empty plate away and put my head down on the table.

That night I decided to start doing research about the curse Malfoy had used on me. The sheer size of the Hogwarts library made me feel like me chances of actually finding anything were lessened considerably, but this was all I had unless I could find a counter to the spell and Malfoy wanted an answer by Friday. I was there until the library closed, looking through the indexes of huge books of spells and flipping past random pages in hopes of turning up something by pure luck. All I ended up with was dust in my hair and a growing sense of dread in my chest.

There was no way I could say 'yes' to Malfoy, because that was simply unthinkable, and yet nothing good would come of my saying 'no' either. The threats he'd made on the train haunted me. What was the right choice here? Who could I ask? I remembered the letter from Leah that morning and decided to push the limits of the curse and see what I was able to put in writing. Any answers I could get on the subject, no matter how vague the question had to be, would be more than I had now. At the last second I decided to write to Sirius too, being a convicted murderer he'd have to know something about right and wrong as well.

I put quill to parchment but found I wasn't really sure what to say. Finally after starting over three times I had a letter that was fairly straight forward, and asked a relevant question that the curse let me say.

_Dear Leah and Snuffles,_

_Hogwarts has been okay these last few days. There's not really much to say on the subject except that, yes, I've made some friends, no I haven't really beaten anyone up/been beaten up yet, and yes, I'm still hearing voices, but they're not causing me too much trouble or anything really._

_But I have a question I need to ask you both. It's hard for me to explain the situation that has brought it up for various reasons, but I'd appreciate an honest answer. It's about right and wrong and choosing sides and that kind of thing. Hypothetically speaking, if there was a person who had a choice between right and wrong and he knew which was which more or less but he also knew that bad would come from both—i.e. both ways someone will get hurt and possibly die—then what should he choose? _

_This is sort of an urgent matter for me, and if you could both write back as soon as possible I'd really appreciate it. I'm sorry I can't give more details. _

_Write back soon,_

_Tim_

I read it again and then copied it over and got both letters ready to mail. The question was not very specific but my hand cramped up if I tried to write about Malfoy or Death Eaters so this seemed to be as good as it was going to get. I walked up to the Owlery and after a little while managed to coax two of the school owls into taking my letters to Leah and Sirius.

Thursday passed too slowly for my liking. There was no response from Leah or Sirius when the owls came in at breakfast. I hadn't honestly expected anything so soon but that didn't mean I wasn't disappointed. I was beginning to feel more than a little panicked about the response Malfoy would want on Friday. This mostly resulted in my being more distracted and withdrawn than was usual. If my fellow fourth years noticed this than only Sage saw fit to comment on it, nudging me hard in the ribs with his elbow when I failed to respond to my name during role call.

"He's here physically at least, professor," said Sage "The presence of the rest of him has always been questionable anyways."

A couple of people laughed and Ginny and Colin both said, "Shut up, Sage," at the same time. I didn't look up from staring at the desk. I wasn't really interested in Charms at the moment—I was trying to figure out if there was a way I could get back to the library before my Occlumency lesson that night. I wasn't sure if it would even be any help to me if I could, after all I hadn't found anything the previous night and I'd been in there for a few hours. But the Hogwarts library was a really big place, which made me confident that there had to be _something_ that would be useful to me in there. Somewhere among those myriad shelves was the book I wanted. The real question was if I was willing to take the one to a million odds of finding it in time. I would have about forty-five minutes to look if I skipped lunch and then perhaps another hour in between dinner and Occlumency—two if I skipped dinner.

The bell rang and I jumped then scrambled to put my things away in my bag, trying to remember what class I had next.

**Concern. **_I wonder if he's sick or if he was always like this and I just forgot. Best not to let Sage notice anyways, he'll make a big deal._"You okay?" said Colin, who was waiting for me to finish so we could leave together.

I shrugged "Fine." I lied "Stressed out a bit I suppose."

"Hogwarts' work harder than the stuff you had at your old school?"

"A bit." I stuffed my quill back into my bag and finally was able to close it and leave the room. "There's a lot more people here than I'm used to as well."

Colin grinned, "Was your old school one of those really tiny private schools? I almost went to one of those for secondary school, but then I got accepted here instead." **Curiousity. Slight embarrassment.**

"It wasn't small enough that everyone knew everyone else," I said, not meeting Colin's eyes "Just enough so that the people you knew were either pureblood snobs or their victims."

"Oh." Said Colin. We walked a bit in silence and then he said, "So which were you?"

"Which what?"

**Curiosity. Some Mischievousness. **"The two groups at your old school." He prompted, "Which one were you in?"

I met his eyes "I was most decidedly a part of the second group. I guess if I'd have been louder and meaner I would have ended up in the first one, but I was a transfer student and because they all knew about—I was in the second group."

"Oh." Said Colin again and then "Hey, you don't have Transfiguration with us, do you? Where are you going?"

"What?" I said and then I turned around and started running the other way. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I was supposed to be going to Potions. Even moving as fast as I was I couldn't make up for the time I'd lost talking to Colin, I was going to be late. Nevertheless, I wasn't going to let Snape tell me I hadn't tried to get to class on time, I hurtled down the hallways then took the stairs to the dungeon three at a time and jumped the last few landed clumsily and kept going faster still. The bell rang when I was on the staircase and Snape was just closing the dungeon door when I got there, out of breath with my bag hanging lopsidedly on one shoulder.

"You're late, Black." Said Snape

"S-sorry, sir." I said trying to get back to breathing normally.

"That's five points from Gryffindor."

"Yes, sir."

"Take your seat, Black."

I saw Harry, Ron and Hermione looking curiously at me, but there weren't any empty seats on the Gryffindor side of the dungeon—every one had a partner. I kept walking over to the Slytherin side. Malfoy caught my eye and whispered something to the dark-skinned boy who was sitting next to him who glanced at me and then smirking, moved back a seat. I hesitated next to the only empty seat in the room.

"I believe I asked you to take your seat, Mr. Black." Said Snape "Another five points from Gryffindor."

Reluctantly, not looking at Snape or Malfoy or Harry, Ron and Hermione, I sat.

"I've been wanting to talk to you, Black." Said Malfoy "About that conversation we had on the train."

* * *

A/N: Well that's it. Cliff hanger?! Oh no's! We're DOOOOMed! and all that jazz. Review please, it only takes a second and it makes me happy.  
A million thanks,

--Orii


	8. Nothing Ever Works Out for the Better

**Shades of Grey**

**By: Orii15**

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter and everything associated with it belongs to J.K. Rowling. If I owned it I'd be richer.**

**A/N: Here's the other half of chapterzilla. Thanks to Ramzez who was the _only one_ to review the last chapter. I gotta say I was really disappointed in you guys and not because I'm vain and always expect a million reviews. No, I don't. But if you have me on story alert and you read the chapter and liked it I'd really appreciate a review. Also, if anyone wants to be awesomeful and have me be eternally grateful to them, I could really use a Beta—my sister's getting annoyed with me sending her this story after every five pages get written.**

**Anyways, you guys probably skipped this and just went straight to the story so it doesn't matter what I say. Sorry for long A/N but it's a long chapter so proportionally speaking I'm right on.**

**--Orii**

* * *

"I've been wanting to talk to you, Black." Said Malfoy "About that conversation we had on the train."

­­­­­­­­­­­­I ignored him and stood up to get my cauldron from the back of the class and gather the ingredients I'd need for the potion—The Draught of Peace. I tried to take as long as possible walking back to my seat and Malfoy but he was right there when I got back.

"I want to talk to you, Black." Malfoy whispered again, after I had barely sat down. He had up his flimsy shield from the train so that I couldn't hear his thoughts, but I didn't need SCL to tell me he was annoyed with me.

"I don't want to talk to you." I said concentrating on my ingredients "One conversation is enough, thanks."

"Don't be an idiot." He hissed back at me and then "I'm trying to help you."

"I don't want your help."

"You're going to say 'no' aren't you?"

"To what?"

"You know what, Black, but if you want to pretend you don't I won't stop you. I just wanted to tell you before you give me an answer officially tomorrow, that you should think it over very carefully. Everything I told you on the train. Especially the consequences of saying 'no'."

"You can't scare me into changing my mind." I said, I kept my eyes carefully on my cauldron but I could feel angry heat rising to my cheeks.

"It's not just about what happens to you, Black." Said Malfoy "So think about that before you tell me your answer. Don't be stupid, Black. It doesn't pay to screw around in serious stuff like this."

I didn't say anything. Malfoy didn't continue the conversation, seeming content to let me stew in my own thoughts for the rest of the class. I continued working without once looking back at him but I could feel his eyes on me a couple of times when he thought I wouldn't notice. I left the class as fast as I could when the bell rang, leaving Malfoy as well as a curious Harry, Ron and Hermione in my wake. If they had wanted to find out what Malfoy had been saying to me they had apparently decided not to bother trying to catch up with me in the hallway and to simply wait until lunchtime to say it, but I didn't eat lunch. Instead I went straight to the library.

I needed something—anything at all—that would offer me some help. So I spent the next three quarters of an hour looking through even more old books than I had on Wednesday and got nothing but more dust out of it. Finally, coughing and sneezing to clear the stale air from my lungs, I left the library with the librarian's unhappy glare on my retreating back.

Hermione was in my next class, Arithmancy, and just like I'd thought she would she asked about what had happened with me and Malfoy in Potions class.

I shrugged "He just wanted to continue what he started on the train."

**Curiosity. Surprise. Suspicion. **_He's keeping something from me. I wonder what he knows that he's not saying. _"What exactly did he start on the train?" said Hermione

I searched for an answer that I was allowed to say that also wasn't a lie. Finally I simply said "Nothing good."

Hermione nodded seeming to sense she couldn't get anywhere with me. "It never is with Malfoy." She said after a bit " You shouldn't let him bother you, Tim, he's a real prat."

"I know that." I said, "Only I can't seem to avoid him."

**Concern. **"Do you need us to help you?" said Hermione.

I shook my head and stared down at my notes "I'll be okay."

"Are you sure? It wouldn't be a problem really. We could go to Professor McGonagall with you. Harry and Ron are always looking to pick a fight with Malfoy anyways."

"No, really, Hermione." I said, "It's fine. I can manage."

"Oh." She said, "Well, look, if there's anything I can do I'd be more than happy to—"

I looked up "Do you know a good book to look up a counter-curse in?"

She raised her eyebrows. _Well I suppose it's better he's looking for a __**counter**__-curse than an actual curse._ "What kind of counter-curse? Anything specific?"

"I don't know the exact name of the curse it would be for. I know the effects."

She frowned "Is it a particularly obscure curse?"

I shrugged "Probably. I've looked through loads of books but I can't find anything about it."

She was silent for moment thinking and then she said, "I think I know a book that might help you. Of course without any specifics it could be very difficult to find what you need, but we must have looked through the entire section of the library on curses last year when Harry was in the Tri-wizard tournament so I know a few titles I could recommend to you. What do you need a counter-curse for?"

I looked back at my notes. "Nothing." I lied "It's sort of for an extra-curricular project I'm doing."

**Excitement.** "Extra-curricular? For who? What's your topic?"

"It's—it's for Defense Against the Dark Arts." I smiled a little, that wasn't even a lie, technically speaking.

**Skepticism. **"_Umbridge_ assigned you an extra-curricular?"

"I—I never said it was _for_ Umbridge. I'm doing a bit of my own research outside class."

**Surprise. Interest. Eagerness. **"Oh. Well, I can help you tonight after dinner if you want."

I shook my head. "Thanks, but I can't. I've got a lesson with Snape tonight. I'm still not caught up all the way in Potions, so I'm doing some remedial work. I'll probably get to the library by myself sometime though, if it's not too much trouble for you it'd be a big help to have the titles written down."

**Disappointment. **"No, that's fine."

Hermione gave me three titles. I meant to skip dinner to find them, but my stomach had other ideas and so after reluctantly running down to the Great Hall to snatch something to eat I headed straight for the library. I recognized two of the books as ones that I had already looked at but had never seen the third volume before. I looked at it first, flipping to the index and finding nothing useful and then looking in the front at the different chapter titles. I skimmed through it briefly and then set it aside and decided not to look through the other two again.

I bit my lip. So, I couldn't find a counter for the spell Malfoy had hit me with. What did this mean? What would I tell Malfoy tomorrow? I didn't want to say 'yes', but I got the feeling that the Death Eaters and Voldemort wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. What would happen to Leah and Sirius if I refused Malfoy's offer? I didn't think they knew where Sirius was, or if they did they had no way of getting to him, but I wasn't so sure about Leah. What had she meant in her letter when she'd said she would 'be away for a while' doing things for her job? More importantly, was she in a position to be put in danger if I didn't become a Death Eater? And would they actually kill her or was it an empty threat?

My head was starting to hurt from thinking about it all. I checked the time and realized that if I didn't leave right then I was going to be late for Occlumency. Being late once in a day for a class taught by Snape was enough for me.

If the technique was easier that night, then the headache was worse than before and Snape was cold as ever insisting on going through the whole ordeal three times instead of just two like on Tuesday. I was not sorry to leave when he declared the lesson over.

I slept fitfully that night, but I didn't remember any of the dreams when I woke up on Friday morning. I almost didn't dare to hope that I'd received a response from one of my parents, because I wasn't in the mood to be disappointed, but at breakfast one of the owls I'd sent, a small temperamental tawny, landed in front of me with a letter tied to its leg. I removed it carefully while the owl glared at me with large yellow eyes.

Once the letter was safely off its leg the owl proceeded to help itself to my juice. Sirius's letter read as follows:

_ Dear Tim,_

_I'm glad you're staying out of trouble at school, that's more than I can expect from Harry and that lot at least. Don't get beaten up please, but don't be afraid to beat people up if they're asking for it. You have the right to stand up for yourself, even if, according to Leah, you don't implement it as often as you should. _

_About your question—you _were_ very vague, so it's hard to give a very specific answer. I'm no expert in right and wrong, or anything like that but I know I wouldn't be able to look you in the eyes again if I didn't tell you to do what you think is the right thing but also to try and keep as many people from being hurt by it as possible. We're in confusing times now, but if you ever are unsure about something then please don't hesitate to come to me or your mum, or Dumbledore. I hope my answer helps._

_Please don't be afraid to write again soon._

_Snuffles_

I folded the letter up and put it into my bag confused. 'Do the right thing but try to keep as many people from being hurt by it as possible'? What did that mean? The people who would get hurt by my doing what I had assumed to be the right thing—saying 'no'—were not people I could easily protect, so how could I follow Sirius's advice? I sighed. The letter I had been waiting for had come and I was no closer to knowing what to do than I had been before it had come. Malfoy would come to talk to me before the end of the day and I wouldn't know what to say. I didn't know which choice was the right one.

I was distracted again in classes, but Harry, Ron and Hermione seemed to have had their own issues to deal with during Transfiguration and didn't pay much attention to me. Ginny and Colin and Kirke seemed to notice I wasn't paying attention but somehow I gathered that by now they just took that to be my normal state of being and so didn't bother with me much. I didn't bother skipping lunch to go to the library; I was tired of the useless dusty books and not finding anything in them. Even being present at the lunch table I didn't eat much. I felt like my stomach was tied up in knots.

The afternoon passed too quickly for my liking, just as people will say it always will when you're dreading something. Malfoy caught up with me right outside the Great Hall after dinner, flanked by his two huge cronies from the train—Crabbe and Goyle, though I didn't know which gorilla went with which name.

"Black" Malfoy said, "It's time to finish that conversation we were having on the train."

I didn't say anything. A part of me wanted to keep walking in hope of losing him even though I knew that was stupid.

As if he'd seen some sign of my thoughts flit across my face Malfoy said "Don't be stupid, Black. You can't put this off forever, might as well get it over with now."

"Right." I said and my voice was quiet and kind of shaking.

"Come on then." Said Malfoy "It's not as if we can talk about it here."

He headed off towards the dungeons, Crabbe and Goyle hanging back a bit apparently to make sure I wouldn't need any encouragement to follow, which I didn't. We ended up in an empty classroom in the dungeons. It was unsettlingly bare, with only a few desks and chairs pushed up against the walls and there seemed to be an unusual amount of cold air there even for the dungeons.

"Right." Said Malfoy and he did a locking charm on the door.

"I'd prefer if that remained open, if you don't mind." I said my voice still soft but not shaking anymore.

"It's not to keep _you _in," said Malfoy "It's to keep _other people _from nosing around in here."

"Either way, I'd feel better if it wasn't locked." I said.

"I'll unlock it when we're done."

I sighed, my hands curled into tight impatient fists "Fine. Let's just get it over with."

"Right," said Malfoy again "I asked you on the train if you wanted to join us, and you didn't give me an answer. You've had a week, and we had our talk yesterday about consequences. This could be your last chance to take me up on this without anyone getting hurt. What do you say Black?"

I stared at the floor and didn't say anything. I didn't know _what _to say.

"Well?"

I shrugged, eyes on the floor "I-I don't know." I said and my voice was quiet and unsure.

Malfoy regarded me silently for second then said, "It's not that difficult of a choice to make, you know Black. Our side, we're the one's who are going to win this. There's a lot more power in being dark than there every was in being light."

I didn't look up "I don't want power."

"Not for yourself." Hissed Malfoy "Think what you could do though, Black. You could clear your father's name. Wormtail, the bloke who framed him, he's on our side. He's weak though; you could easily turn him in. What about that? You wouldn't have to be ashamed of your name anymore."

I thought of Sirius all holed up in Grimmauld Place. Wouldn't it be good if I could clear his name? If he could be a free man again. And what of all the kids at Flinn's? It would almost be worth returning to the awful school just to see their faces when they got the news. When they felt sorry for what they did. And Sirius could really be my father. We could—

But no, Sirius wouldn't want me to become a Death Eater even if it meant I could free him. It was stupid to think that way. And the kids at Flinn's—well what did they matter anyways? One way or another my life was going to change tonight, either for the better or for the worse. But whatever I chose it would never be the same again.

So what did that mean? I didn't want to put Leah and Sirius in danger—not any more than being in the Order already had—but if I did become a Death Eater and they were safe, how could I live with myself then, knowing that every time I killed someone it was for that reason? How could I live knowing that I was killing other people's families to save my own? Was that noble? Selfish?

I couldn't see it as being noble. It wasn't as if Leah and Sirius were incapable of protecting themselves at any rate. And I was probably deluding myself to think that I was important enough for them to make any follow up on an attempt to recruit me. I was a scrawny fourteen-year-old kid and it wasn't as if they had actually sent a real Death Eater to talk to me. For all I knew this was Malfoy's idea of a joke or something—a pretty sick joke at any rate but people had gone to great lengths to faze me before.

Finally I looked up and stared Malfoy right in the eye "Sorry," I said "my answer's still No."

He looked almost disappointed but he quickly eliminated all signs of emotion from his face "Fine." He said coldly "That's your choice, Black. Just bear in mind what I said about consequences. You'll be begging me to give you a second chance within a month."

"Somehow I rather doubt that." I said quietly.

Malfoy glared at me and waved his wand at the door, unlocking it.

I left without another word but remembered just in time what had happened after I'd parted company with Malfoy on the train. I turned just in time to see a hex fly past me an inch from my nose. I looked back at Malfoy and he smirked at me and walked off for all the world as if we hadn't just been discussing whether or not I was going to become a Death Eater. I counted to ten just to make sure he didn't decide to try hexing me again as soon as my back was turned and then I started off as fast as I could back towards Gryffindor Tower.

The next few weeks went by quickly. I made swift progress in my Occlumency classes with Snape. I wasn't sure if this pleased him because it meant he'd soon be rid of me or disappointed him because I was succeeding at something. Either way, I was happy, I was still relying on my feeble half-shield but not for much longer and it pleased me to know that soon I'd be able to walk through a crowd without feeling like my brain was going to implode.

Malfoy, on the other hand, was in a foul temper for a few days. I avoided him like the plague, not wanting to think anymore about our meeting in the dungeons and he didn't try to make it any different. The seat next to him in potions class was never empty again, to my great relief.

I settled into the routine of Hogwarts life and fell into a sort of security I'd never had before. I could walk down a hallway without being too distracted from the people I was walking with and since the Hogwarts Rumor Mill had yet to get hold of the facts on my parentage no one treated me like I was a freak or a felony waiting to happen. It sounds stupid to admit it but before I came to Hogwarts I'd never had any real friends—I'd never hung around with people for long enough to make friends. I enjoyed the novelty of being around Ginny, Colin, Kirke, Sage and Luna and found that with the possible exception of Sage they were all good people and good friends in their own ways.

Ginny was witty and fierce, Colin was friendly and funny in a kind of overly-eager way, Kirke was smart and strong-willed, and Sage remained a mystery to me as he remained cold and sarcastic as if he was constantly annoyed with me. Colin and Kirke insisted that was just how Sage always acted but I couldn't help noticing that he was much less irritable when I wasn't taking part in the conversation. Luna was and remains to be the only person out of our little group who I have trouble pinning down in a few words. I found myself constantly impressed with her flat honestly and her absolute faith in all articles the _Quibbler_ had ever printed. There was something about her that gave me the feeling that I'd never be able to figure her idiosyncratic ways out completely.

So I became at ease at Hogwarts, blending back into the corridors of students and the crowded classrooms. I even got used to the daily flood of owls that invaded the Great Hall of Hogwarts everyday at breakfast. That's why I was not surprised to see a large dark official looking owl swooping towards me one Thursday morning in early October.

Sage frowned at me across the table until the bird landed in front of me and blocked his view.

"That's a ministry owl." He said and he laughed coldly "They probably want to give you a scholarship or something seeing as how you're the best student in our year and all."

"Shut up, Sage." Said Kirke " What's the letter about, Tim?"

I shrugged "I guess we'll find out." I said but I was wary of Ministry owls, what if it was about Sirius?

I slit open the envelope and read the official looking letter inside it.

_Dear Mr. Black,_

_The Auror's Office at the Ministry of Magic regrets to inform you that your Mother, Ms. Leah Smith, has been found dead. We send you our heartfelt condolences for your considerable loss. There will be a funeral held this Saturday at eleven o'clock at the Ministry. _

_As to your guardianship, obviously your father is not qualified to look after you at the moment. There will be a Ministry Hearing held in five days time on Monday to determine custody. Until that time you will stay at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. _

_Regrettably Yours,_

_Rufus Scrimgeour_

_**Head of the Auror Dept.**_

_**Ministry of Magic**_

I read the letter once and then again, disbelieving. This was wrong. This wasn't happening. It felt strange and unreal. I stared at the words on the page, willing them to say something else than what they did.

**Concern.**_ He looks really worried. _"Hey, Tim?" said Ginny, snapping me out of my daze "You okay? What did the letter say?"

I looked up and handed her the letter wordlessly. I felt numb.

I watched Ginny's eyes flick back and forth across the page, and saw her go from concerned to puzzled to sympathetic.

"Oh, Merlin." She breathed, setting the parchment down on the table "Oh, Tim, I'm so sorry."

"What?" said Sage "What'd it say? I've never seen Black so miserable before."

"His mother just died." Snapped Ginny.

I saw a few people look over at Ginny's raised voice. Sage frowned.

**Guilt. **"Oh." And that was all he said before turning back to his coffee.

The bell rang and we had five minutes to get to class. Ginny swore and threw her bag over her shoulder.

**Concern.** "You gonna be okay?" she asked me "You want me to take you to the Hospital Wing or something?"

I shook my head "I'm not sick." I said thickly.

"Yea, I know," said Ginny "But I just thought—"

She stopped, looking at something over my shoulder. I turned round and there was Professor McGonagall.

"Mr. Black?" she said "Professor Dumbledore would like to see you in his office." She glanced at the letter on the table lying in between my and Ginny's unfinished breakfasts. "About the news."

I nodded and stood up, picking up my bag and slinging it over my shoulders.

"See you later, Ginny." I said and my voice was quiet "Thanks, okay?" I tried to smile but I couldn't quite manage it. Ginny got the idea.

"It's nothing," she said "I'll get the homework for you from charms, okay?"

I nodded again and Ginny and McGonagall and I left the hall together and then went in different directions as Ginny went towards Professor Flitwick's class and Professor McGonagall and I went upstairs towards Dumbledore's office. I was distracted, barely aware of where my feet were taking me. Somehow all I could think about was that once we got to Dumbledore's Office he was going to tell me that Leah had died, and that would make it real.

And then we'd gone up the spiral staircase and there was Dumbledore and—to my surprise- Remus.

"Ah, Mr. Black" said Dumbledore "I trust you've heard the news?"

He used the same words as McGonagall had—"the news"—as if not saying it would keep them from being responsible for it. I looked at Dumbledore's eyes and they were serious and blue. I wondered how it was that everyone always thought Dumbledore was omniscient, because even with him being close at hand I'd only barely been in school for a month and nothing was going right. Something changed in the Headmaster's eyes as he watched me pondering his face. I lowered my gaze so that I was staring at my feet.

"It's not true, is it, Sir?" I said quietly. I knew it was. I knew Leah was dead, I could feel it hanging like some terrible leaden weight on my chest, but I wanted to hear it from someone else. Just to feel like there was someone else in this with me.

"Unfortunately, I'm afraid it is true. An unknown assailant killed Leah yesterday while she was doing work for the Order."

I bit my lip but didn't look up. I could feel hot tears brimming up in my eyes, but I didn't want to cry. Not yet, not here. "What am I going to do?" I said and my voice was quiet and shaking. Scared. Just like when I was talking to Malfoy that first week of school.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks, hard and painful, knocking the breath out of me so that I let out a great shuddering gasp. It was my fault.

"You don't know anything, Black." Malfoy had said, "This is the Dark Lord we're talking about. He's not going to just let you off. I'm not a death eater yet but I know how it works. You get one chance to join without anyone else getting hurt. You say no and he'll get your family and your friends. He'll kill everyone important to you if he really wants you. Then you get another chance, you say no then and he'll curse you until you're half-dead and ask you a third time. Ultimately it's join or die, but innocents die in between."

I sank into a chair and then the tears did overflow. I was scared and angry with myself and ashamed. I couldn't stop crying, I could feel myself shaking and hear the gasping sobs but it was like it was someone else breaking down in that office chair because I couldn't do anything about it.

Lupin put a hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me. "It's going to be okay, Tim." He said "We're arranging to have you go back and stay with Sirius until the funeral."

"I c-can't" I choked, the tears made it hard to speak and my voice was trembling hared than ever "I can't see Sirius" I said

"No, I think this could turn out to be good for you two." Said Lupin "Not Leah's death, Merlin knows—but it will give you and him a chance to become closer."

I shook my head "I c-can't" I said again "It's all m-my fault Leah died. I c-can't see s-Sirius now."

"It's not your fault, Mr. Black." Said Dumbledore firmly

"You don't know!" I said. My voice sounded strangled and frantic "You don't know that!"

"It is natural for us to blame ourselves when things like this happen," said Dumbledore "but I don't think you have a reasonable basis to explain how you would be the one responsible for your mother's death. Unless there is something you'd like to tell me, Mr. Black?"

I tried to force out the words I knew the curse wouldn't let me say, they stuck to the inside of my throat choking me. I balled my hands into tight fists, crying hard as ever and then I said, "Expel me."

"I don't have a reason to do that, Mr. Black." Said Dumbledore "You've done nothing wrong."

"They kicked me out over less than this at Flinn's," I said, "And this will do more good."

"Tim, this isn't your fault." Said Remus

I didn't say anything. For a long time I stared at the floor and Dumbledore and Lupin watched me as my breathing gradually went back to normal and I managed to hold the tears back. Then I said " That letter, it said something about guardianship. Who's going to be my guardian? Sirius can't."

Dumbledore and Lupin exchanged a cautious look and then Dumbledore said "Mr. Lupin is going to try and get guardianship for you."

"Would they let him do that?" I said, and my voice was quiet but calmer now but stiff. I felt numb, detached and empty. I couldn't tell anyone about Malfoy's offer.

"They won't want to" said Remus "But we're going to try and convince them. Your closest relatives are the Malfoys on Sirius's side so obviously we don't want them to get custody."

My hands tightened again into fists "I don't want to ever see any of the Malfoys again as long as I live." I said

"You got into a fight with Draco Malfoy?" guessed Remus

I bit my lip, here we were again back to the things I couldn't say "Sort of." I said, "He and I don't get along."

Remus smiled a wry little half-smile "No surprises there. You shouldn't hang around with Harry, Ron and Hermione if you want to get along with the Slytherins."

I nodded not saying anything.

I didn't go to classes that day, instead I packed my bag and flooed to Grimmauld Place. Sirius was waiting for me there at the kitchen table, looking disheveled like maybe he'd had more to drink than he should have earlier and he was regretting it now.

"Hi, Sirius." I said

"Hey." He said "I'm really sorry about all of this, Tim."

"It's not your fault." I said quietly

Sirius frowned "I know" he said "That doesn't mean I'm not sorry Leah died."

I sat down heavily near Sirius and didn't look him in the eye and we were quiet for a long moment.

"You gonna be okay, Tim?" said Sirius finally

I shrugged "I don't know." I said, "There are a lot of things I'm afraid of now Leah's gone."

"You mean like custody?" said Sirius "We're going to do everything we can to keep the Malfoys from getting guardianship."

I nodded "I know." I said. I bit my lip, thinking. I wondered how much I should tell Sirius about things. He was my father but I barely knew him. Still, he was all I had now. The thought brought the tears welling back up like a dam threatening to burst. I blinked them away, staring intently at the floor, and hoping Sirius wouldn't notice.

The next few days were awkward but Remus had been right about one thing—the time was good for Sirius and me. Locked up in Grimmauld Place together we had to talk a lot just to fill the eerie silences that filled the empty house. He showed me the huge tapestry in the drawing room that was embroidered with the Black Family Tree and the burn mark where his name used to be. He tried to introduce me to Buckbeak, the hippogriff who lived in the room where Sirius's mother had lived when the Blacks had still inhabited the house, but I don't do well with animals—and less so when the animals have talons as long as Buckbeak's were. We sat for hours in the basement kitchen on Friday afternoon with Sirius's cousin, Tonks, who had come in early for the Order Meeting that would be held later that week and Remus.

It was nice in a strange embarrassed way to talk to Sirius, but the few days I spent with him couldn't make up for fourteen years he'd been absent from my life. Still, I wasn't exactly happy to leave him all alone in Grimmauld Place again on Saturday when Remus and I had to leave to attend Leah's funeral at the ministry.

It was a dreary affair, and the speeches by the few ministry officials who attended it were just as colorless as the black dress robes we'd all donned for the occasion. And I did cry, but not because of anything anyone said. I had been distracted during the days I spent with Sirius but here my thoughts could wander where they wanted to unhindered because I didn't want to pay attention to the speakers who droned about what good, kind, vivacious person Leah had been. And that's why I started wondering what I was going to do again. I hadn't thought Malfoy had been serious when he'd said that my refusal of his recruitment offer would lead to the deaths of everyone I loved, but I had been wrong.

Regardless of what Dumbledore said it was my fault Leah was attacked, I'd been stupid and she'd paid for it. So what did that mean? Did I have to got back to Malfoy and tell him I'd changed my mind? I didn't want to, but I couldn't see an alternative to it. What else could I do? I was unable to tell anyone about the situation I was in, unable to ask for help and that meant that I and I alone would be responsible for the consequences of whatever I decided to do. Could I become a Death Eater knowing that it was to protect everyone I cared about? I wasn't sure about that one. I couldn't even ever fight back against the kids who bullied me at Flinn's, so how could anyone expect me to become a murderer?

Lupin nudged me, "Come on, Tim, it's over." He whispered

"Oh." I stood up on stiff legs and started to follow Lupin out of the room.

"Black?" said a smooth voice from behind me, something about it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I turned to face a tall man perhaps in his late forties, who had long white blonde hair pulled off his face and a familiar smirk playing about his mouth. "Lucius Malfoy." He held out a hand and when I hesitated to take it he simply grabbed my hand and shook it anyways. "Pity about your mother." He said.

I bit my lip and didn't look him in the eye. "Yes." I said and my voice was quiet and afraid.

"The custody hearings on Monday." He said, "I'm sure you'll enjoy having Draco as a brother. He speaks of you often in his letters, you know."

"You assume that the Courts will rule in your favor." Said Lupin coldly

"Well," said Mr. Malfoy, not bothering to disguise his condescending tone, "Better he go home with us than one of _your_ kind don't you think? Much less dangerous for an impressionable boy like Tim."

"That's debatable." Said Lupin and then before Mr. Malfoy could say another word we had left the room.

Lupin got the last word at the ministry but the Malfoys ended up winning the hearing. Remus hadn't had a chance, not with the ministry being under the impression that the Malfoys were a respectable Wizarding family who gave generously not only to the Ministry but also to charities and St. Mungo's Hospital and that Remus was a poor unemployed werewolf known not only to be close with Dumbledore but who also used to be one of Sirius Black's best friends. I hadn't held up much hope for Remus winning—not the sensible part of me, but that didn't mean that when the rule was made in the Malfoys favor I didn't feel like I'd just had the wind knocked out of me.

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**A/N: Um, did I already ask y'all to PLEASE review if you read this chapter all the way? Good.**

**--Orii**


	9. Unexpected Consequences

**Shades of Grey**

**By: Orii15**

**Disclaimer: Alas, for I own naught but…..well, nothing actually. It all belongs to J.K. Rowling…..**

**A/N: Tim's story is officially 99 pages long! I can't believe how much I've written. And also how far I still have to go, but you know what? I'm right on track and it makes me happy. I have never finished a fanfiction and liked it the next year. It's weird to look at the ones I have on my other account because they're all so bad. XD! It's SO long…..Anyways, yammering over. Here comes the story.**

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School was hell on Tuesday, to put it mildly. I'd gotten back late on Monday afternoon, but I'd spent the time holed up in a seldom visited part of the castle thinking. It felt sort of strange to find myself back like this—hiding from the world again—but it felt natural and somehow safer to be concealed like this. I knew Ginny, Colin and Luna would want to talk to me, but I wasn't ready to talk to them. That would feel too much like normal everyday life.

I was sure I'd have nightmares that night of all nights, but apparently everything I'd been afraid of had already happened during the day and so I slept fitfully but without dreaming.

I began to suspect something else had gone wrong the next morning when I walked into the Great Hall for breakfast. Whispers and pointed fingers followed me across the hall to the Gryffindor table.

"Welcome back." Said Ginny as I sat down.

"Yea." I said

"You're in the newspaper." Said Sage flatly

"Oh." I frowned "I guess _that _explains why everyone was staring at me. What's it say?"

He shrugged "Lots of stuff, Black."

I was about to retort to this when Harry, Ron and Hermione appeared next to us. Hermione brandished a copy of the Daily Prophet at me.

"Oh, Tim!" she said, "It's not true, is it?"

I shrugged "I wouldn't know." I said irritably "I haven't seen what they printed about me yet."

"They said the Malfoy's adopted you." Said Ron "And all this stuff about how you're mentally unstable—Subconscious Legilithingy or something like that and you have fits and stuff—and then they made a really big deal of how you're Sirius's son."

"Oh." I said. I bit my lip "Well, that's mostly true unfortunately. The Malfoy's got guardianship yesterday."

"So what's all that stuff about Legilimency or whatever?" said Harry

"Subconscious Legilimency." I said "SCL. I have it."

Harry raised an eyebrow "But you don't have fits or anything?" It almost wasn't a question—Harry knew I was sane.

"No. Subconscious Legilimency means I hear the thoughts of people around me." I said, reciting what I'd read in Healer's Monthly "And when it's severe you hear _everything_ anyone thinks, but I don't hear anything very clearly except what people are thinking about me."

Ron frowned. "Can you hear what I'm thinking now?"

"No." I said "I'm blocking it right now."

"Oh."

Ginny frowned at me from across the table "But you were really adopted by the Malfoys?"

I nodded "Lupin tried for guardianship, but once Malfoy started talking he didn't have a chance. It's just stupid Wizarding politics."

"That really sucks." Said Ginny "Maybe you can spend the summer with us or something. I mean, they can't make you go to the Malfoy's can they?"

"They make me go to the Dursley's." said Harry

"Yea, but that's different." Said Ginny "Nobody should have to spend that long alone with Draco Malfoy."

I shrugged "I don't know what they can and can't make me do. I don't want to spend any more time with them than I have to. I'd kill myself."

"Knowing Malfoy, he'd do it for you." Said Ron darkly

"I wouldn't put it past him." I said.

I was not happy trying to sit through double History of Magic that morning. I spent the time I should have been listening to Professor Binns debating what I was going to do about Malfoy. I didn't want to become a Death Eater. It felt like dark things were all anyone had ever expected of me, because Sirius Black was my father and my joining the Dark Lord would just prove them right. I didn't want that, and I didn't want to see Sirius's face if he found out what I'd done—or Ginny or Colin or Luna or Harry or Sage's face either.

It was nothing to be proud of, what I was seriously considering doing, but I thought of that black owl, of how someone had known to make good on Malfoy's threat when I'd said 'no' and I didn't think I could do anything else. I had too many people I cared about now, even the friends I'd just met, and the father I barely knew. I didn't know them like I'd known Leah, but I couldn't let them be killed because of me either. So I would find Malfoy and tell him we needed to talk.

My stomach clenched at the thought. I still didn't know if I was doing the right thing or not, but I wasn't sure what else I could do. I sighed and put my head in my hands closing my eyes and trying to think straight. I half fabricated several rather dodgy plans in the course of the remainder of the lesson. I knew I would never be able to pull any of them off. It would end just like Malfoy had said it would, I'd come back to him and beg for a second chance with the Dark Lord. And I would hate myself for doing it.

The bell cut through my thoughts, I hadn't even unpacked my bag at the start of the lesson because I'd known I wasn't going to take notes or pass scrap parchment back and forth with Colin and Ginny. I threw my bag over my shoulder and trudged to my next class, hoping the lesson there would distract me temporarily. But transfiguration didn't manage to take my mind off my problem, nor did Herbology or Defense Against the Dark Arts. Before I knew it I was heading to the dungeons for Occlumency practice with Snape.

The lesson started the same as all the others we'd had—though Snape had hinted that I was getting closer to a point where I would be able to practice the kind of Occlumency I needed—and the first time Snape tried to enter my mind I had him out in a matter of seconds. He cast the spell again.

_I was running down the hallway of Flinn's from something._

I searched my mind for Snape's presence.

_I was coming closer to a corner where I could hide, but just as I reached it a hooded figure jumped out and blocked my way. _

I was about to throw Snape out of my mind when I recognized the scene. This was the dream I'd had on the first night of school—the one where I was the death eater. I stopped what I was doing to watch it through to the end.

_And sure enough there was my face under the hood. Death Eater Tim shot the killing curse at the other me._

I pushed and Snape was out of my mind. Usually at this point I had a headache and wanted to quit, but I'd been inspired by seeing that dream again. Snape was in the Order, and even though I knew he hated me that meant it would be against his beliefs not to help me if he knew what my situation was.

"You took longer than usual that time, Black." Said Snape "I've told you every lesson that remaining focused is essential and you go on making mistakes and getting distracted."

"Sorry sir." I said. Only I wasn't.

"What was that memory exactly, Black? A nightmare?"

"Yes, sir."

"And have I not told you that it is infinitesimally more important to stop me quickly when the memory is something painful or frightening to you?"

"Yes sir."

"And yet you never learn. How very like a Black."

With a little effort I looked away from my shoes and met his eyes "I'd like to try again, sir." I said

"Hopefully this time you will redeem yourself, Black." Said Snape and he said the charm.

I was ready for him. I felt his presence in my mind almost immediately and gave it a push, but not to get it out of my mind like usual. This time I was directing him to a particular part of it. I couldn't physically tell Snape the situation but if I could show him the right memories then maybe he would get it by himself and I would be saved.

_I was in Malfoy's compartment on the train. He began talking about the War and how Dumbledore was wrong. He told me about how the Dark Lord wanted me on his side in the war and the consequences of saying 'no'. I refused him and left the compartment only to have his spell slam into my back on the way out._

As always I could hear Snape's presence muttering to itself about the memory. He was shocked but this time he didn't even chide me for not getting him out right away.

_I was leaving the Great Hall almost at a run hoping to avoid Malfoy but he cornered me on the way out and we went to the dungeons. He asked me for my answer and I struggled for a moment but finally refused it._

I kept on showing the memories, opting not to show the memories of my brooding and going through dusty volumes in the library.

_Remus and I were leaving Leah's funeral when Lucius Malfoy called to me. He talked, smirking, about the custody hearing certain he'd win it. My stomach twisted in fear._

I was willing to show Snape more, to keep going until he understood but he left my mind. I blinked, startled and he stood against his desk frowning at me.

Finally, having recovered himself he said "That was even more of a dismal try than the last one, Black. And those memories—"

"You didn't see anything I didn't want you to see, sir." I said, meeting his eyes.

**Confusion. Shock. Suspicion. **"Is that so, Black?" said Snape. _What is he playing at?! Obviously the boy has more power than he realizes. He could be dangerous. I can see now why the Dark Lord wants him._ He regarded me silently again for a moment and then said "Come with me, Black."

"What?" I said

"We're going to see the Headmaster."

He left the office walking at a brisk pace and I followed almost running to keep up. I was nervous but satisfied. I hadn't been able to tell anyone about Malfoy's offer, but now Snape knew what had happened and soon Dumbledore would too. I hoped this meant that I wouldn't have to go to the Malfoy's over the summer, and that I wouldn't have to go back and talk to Draco after all to tell him I'd changed my mind.

We went up several flights of stairs and then past the gargoyle that guarded the entrance to Dumbledore's office and up the spiral staircase behind it. Snape stopped outside the door of Dumbledore's office.

"Stay here Black, I need to talk to the Headmaster."

Before I could say anything he was on the other side of the door leaving me by myself in the short hallway between the staircase and the office. I tried to listen to what was being said behind the door but even with my ear up right against it I couldn't hear a thing. Sighing I sat down with my back against the wall.

I hoped I wasn't going to be expelled from Hogwarts. I hated admitting it—even to myself—but I hadn't been entirely sure of my plan. It was rare that I would do something so spontaneous and risky, usually I was more careful. But I supposed what's done was done after all, and if I were expelled then maybe I would run away to Grimmauld Place and live with Sirius or something. I wondered if Dumbledore would allow that, since if I went to live with the Malfoys it was almost inevitable that I would become a Death Eater. So, surely if he understood the situation, then Dumbledore couldn't allow that to happen.  
I leaned back against the cool stonewall and closed my eyes, like I'd done so many times at Flinn's when everything became too overwhelming. I thought about Flinn's, being teased there was nothing compared to what I was facing with Malfoy. I sighed, perhaps I ought to have stayed at Flinn's after all. I could have put up with the teasing even and being shoved around and having to hide in corners all the time. But somehow I knew I couldn't have. Something had changed when Malfoy had asked me to become a Death Eater, it was like I was starting to finally see the big picture. To realize what was important and what wasn't.

I heard the office door open and looked up.

"The Headmaster and I would like to speak with you, Black." Said Snape

I stood up "Okay."

Dumbledore regarded me with his strange blue eyes from behind his desk as we entered. I felt a strange sense of foreboding in his steady gaze but of course both he and Snape were exercising Occlumency against me so I couldn't hear anything of what they were thinking. As always the silence made me nervous, which is ironic because that silence in my mind has always been what I wanted the most. But it was unusual for me to get what I wanted in any case and so I ignored the uneasy feeling in my stomach and sat down shakily in one of the chairs opposite Dumbledore at his desk.

"Good evening, Mr. Black." Said Dumbledore

"Um, Good evening, Sir."

"Severus has told me you were asked earlier this year by a student at the school to become a Death Eater, is this correct?"

I wasn't going to be able to answer. Malfoy's curse caught the words in my throat "I—gah—Malf—yessir." I choked.

Snape raised his eyebrows "Is there something preventing you from speaking about this Black? A magical vow perhaps?"

"It's not my fault I can't talk about it!" I said "Malfoy curs—" Again I couldn't go on.

Dumbledore looked to Snape "Severus, are you familiar with this curse?"

Snape nodded "I know the counter." He flicked his wand at me and muttered something. I gasped. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest but also like I'd just had the wind knocked out of me.

"Thank you, sir." I said trying to catch my breath. "I—Malfoy asked me on the train to become a Death Eater and again later that week but I said no. And then—then Leah died and I was going to tell him I changed my mind but I thought of trying to tell Professor Snape with—I'm not sure if it was Legilimency or—"

"What you did, Black" Said Snape "Was Legilimency although it was a strange form of it. Usually Legilimency involves the attacker going through memories in the victim's mind and not the other way around."

"Oh." I said. I looked at my shoes, "Am I in trouble, sir?" I said

"On the contrary" said Dumbledore "I wish I'd known about the trouble sooner." I opened my mouth to tell him about the curse again but he went on "I realize that you were cursed, Mr. Black. Unfortunately, now we may be in too deep to avoid trouble. We do not have enough evidence to convict the Malfoy's of being Death Eaters" Again I started to say something but Dumbledore cut me off again effortlessly "Right now, the majority of the Wizarding World does not even know the Dark Lord has returned—or at any rate they do not believe it—and so if you were to take the Malfoy's to court it would be your word against Lucius Malfoy's. And I believe you are aware now at least to some extent of his influence on the Wizarding Court System. So we cannot hope to convict the Malfoys jut yet."

"But" I said and I was speaking quickly now because I didn't want to be interrupted now I was finally getting to talk "What am I going to do now, sir? If we can't convict the Malfoy's then I'm going to have to go there for the summer and so I might as well become a Death Eater now as ever, because it's going to end up that way anyways if you leave me alone with them."

"Yes." Said Dumbledore "I do realize that under the circumstances it would be most unwise of me to let you alone with your new Guardians for any length of time. Severus and I have discussed this and come to three conclusions which I will now share with you if you will let me." I looked up from my shoes and there was that something strange in his eyes again. Something I couldn't identify.

"First of all," said Dumbledore "It is absolutely essential that the Dark Lord not gain any more servants than he already has to aid in his uprising. Secondly, it is impossible for you, now legally in the custody of the Malfoys, to be with them for the summer and not be forced into the Dark Lord's service one way or another. And therefore, our third conclusion is that since it would be nearly impossible to arrange for you to be legally placed under the guardianship of another it is vital that we find some way to have you stay the holidays with the Malfoys and still be loyal to the Order."

I frowned. "Um, and is there a way to do that, sir?"

"Based on what Severus has told me about your astounding progress in his Occlumency classes I believe it would be highly beneficial for you to go back to the Malfoys as a spy for the Order."

"I—what?" There was that numb feeling of disbelief and shock I'd had before when I'd been told my mother had been killed "I can't do that!" I said.

"Why not?" Dumbledore regarded me over his half-moon spectacles quizzically. "With the proper training you would be ideal for the job, I think."

I struggled for words. This was not happening. "I—I'm too young for one thing. And—and what if I'm not any good as a spy anyways? What makes you think I would be? I'm not brave or smart or—I mean, Professor, I spent the most antagonistic two years of my life at Flinn's in Ireland and I spent a large part of those two years hiding in corners."

"First of all," said Professor Dumbledore "While you are too young to be a part of the Order, that rule was put into use to discourage overly eager under-aged would-be members. In your case if we don't induct you then it is inevitable that you would be forced into serving Lord Voldemort." I flinched "And as to your not being brave or smart enough, well, you don't really believe that , do you Mr. Black? You have a great magical potential and you certainly have an aptitude for Legilimency. The Dark Lord has seen your potential through the reports of various sources and even if you yourself would choose to downsize your talents they are still there. He will put them to use if you refuse to."

I bit my lip. I was stuck. I felt like my stomach was being twisted into hundreds of little knots. How did I end up in this situation? And was being a spy for the Order training as a Death Eater because that was my cover any better than actually being a Death Eater? There didn't seem to be anyway to talk myself out of this though. "But I don't know how to be a spy." I finally said rather meekly.

"I can fix that, Black." Said Snape "You are very close to being where you need to be in your Occlumency course. If you learn to focus on the work I give you I can teach you all you need to know about being a spy for the Order."

"I—I guess there's no way I can refuse this , is there?" I said dejectedly

"If you don't want to take us up on this offer, Tim" said Dumbledore "Than we won't force you to. We will have to wipe your memories of this evening however. Would you like some time to think it over?"

I clenched my hands into tight fists and closed my eyes. Was this what I wanted to do? I remembered what Sirius had said in his letter to me about doing the right thing and making sure as few people got hurt as possible. Was this what he'd meant? Was this what Leah would have wanted for me? Well, no. But she wouldn't have wanted me anywhere near the Malfoys in the first place. And after all, wasn't this why I'd told Snape about Malfoy? So that he would tell Dumbledore who would in turn fix everything for me?

Well, this was maybe a little less than I would have hoped for when I'd brought this to the Headmaster, but the guy was not omnipotent was he? For all Harry and everyone seemed to think he was this was my problem and he could only do his best to fix it and then hand it back to me so I could finish it myself. That was it. Hadn't I decided on the train after I found out about the curse that I would do this myself if I were going to be on my own anyways? There was no easy answer then.

I opened my eyes, and let my hands fall loose, I pretended I didn't see the crescent shaped marks embedded into my palms from my fingernails. "I'll do it." I said

"Are you sure this is what you want to do?" said Dumbledore

I met his eyes "No." I said "But the way I see it, sir, I don't have any other choice so I'm going to do it anyways."

Dumbledore nodded. "You will have to tell Mr. Malfoy that you've changed your mind."

I nodded. I knew that but I was still dreading doing it.

Fate has a strange way of taking what you think you want and twisting it around until you don't anymore and then throwing it back in your face. When I finally left Dumbledore's office and started walking back to Gryffindor tower I felt like I was going to be sick.

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A/N: Well…that's about it. See you guys later. I hope you liked this chapter. OH! And speaking of which if anyone wants to be my beta I'd love you forever. But I think I said that last chapter…I'm going to keep annoying you guys about it until someone decides to do it! Erm, maybe…..that's sort of a bratty thing to do though….

Review please!

--Orii


	10. Facing Up to It

**Shades of Grey**

**By: Orii15**

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own Harry Potter…….not now either……….or now……..or now…….**

**A/N: YAY! Udapted! (Finally) I know, I know, I'm such a bad kid whyfor I not update for so long? The answer is of course that it's all Colorguard's fault. -P So yell at them. But I am sorry this took so long to get up, I've already got half of the next chapter written so you can expect an update ASAP after this chapter is posted.**

**OH!! And I want to say Fankoo to my Beta/Sister TigerLily21 aka Anne the Punctuation Queen. (hugs) You made my story……um…..comma friendly! **

Again, on Wednesday I was distracted and jumpy. Hermione kept watching me out of the corner of her eye in Arithmancy but I wasn't sitting close enough to her to have a conversation. I couldn't think straight, the things that had happened the night before seemed hazy, like some strange dream. Only I knew my subconscious wasn't that creative. I was trying again to figure out a time to talk to Malfoy and what I was going to say to him. I was so out of it I didn't even hear Ginny talking to me at lunch at first.

"Tim?! You alive in there?" A hand waved back and forth in front of my eyes.

"I—What? Sorry, Ginny. Sorry."

She looked at me curiously. "Where do you go anyways, when you space out like that?"

I shrugged avoiding the question. "If I told you," I said, "then you'd know."

Ginny laughed and then she said, "You know what would be cute?"

"What?" I said skeptically.

"If you and Luna got together."

"What?!" I said, honestly shocked. "What? Where did that come from?" Me and Luna indeed. I should have felt we were entering dangerous waters when Ginny had started talking about "cute".

"You're both so spacey and stuff," said Ginny. "Anyways, you guys get along, don't you? You talk in Herbology all the time."

"That's—Ginny, you don't make any sense at all. Luna and I are friends."

It felt strange to be getting into this conversation now, all this stuff I was sure that typical teenagers talked about all the time.

Ginny raised an eyebrow. "Just friends, huh?" she said

I sighed. "Come on, Ginny, you know me and Luna too well to think that we'd ever—I mean it's just—have you even talked to Luna about this?"

"Yes," said Ginny. "She likes you. She says she thinks you're funny."

"Yeah, funny looking," I said, more than happy to be succinct if it meant I could at least speak coherently.

Ginny rolled her eyes. "Fine, be that way," she said.

Herbology felt more awkward than usual that day thanks to Ginny who insisted on watching us conspicuously from over her plant.

"I get the strangest feeling we're being watched," I told Luna pointedly, though I was carefully avoiding looking in Ginny's direction.

"Could be a Korzulp," said Luna conspiratorially. "They're invisible, but they have seven eyes and they fly. They might be watching. Do you think we should shoo them away?"

I smiled. Whatever I told Ginny I really did like Luna. She was easy to talk to. "I dunno." I said "Do Korzulps bite? I mean I'd still shoo them even so if we had to, but are they venomous?"

"No," said Luna. "They don't have mouths." She smiled at me "You really should read the Quibbler more; I think you have Korzulps mixed up with Krangdorbs."

"Should I put in a subscription?" I asked. "I'd be happy to read anything that's not printing rubbish about the Malfoys like the Daily Prophet has been."

"I can get you one if you give me the money," said Luna. "It's two sickles a month but only a galleon for a whole year and a half. It's a bargain." She grinned.

I laughed. "Sounds great," I said.

"Yes," said Luna. "Especially because our circulation has been dropping very low lately. People are very narrow-minded these days."

"Yea, I've noticed that." I said

"What was that the Prophet printed about you?" said Luna "It didn't sound like it was true."

"Parts of it were," I said. "Only, the Malfoys have never been charitable in their lives. So all that rubbish about them adopting me out of the pure goodness of their hearts was just that. I guess it just helps their image that I really am the mentally unstable son of a convicted murderer."

"You're not," said Luna.

"No, actually—"I began, but Luna interrupted me.

"You're not," she said again. "Your father's innocent. The Quibbler did an article about it. And you're not mentally unstable."

"Luna, the stuff they said—"

Again, she interrupted me "You're not mentally unstable," she said. "You're the only one who listens to me about Korzulps and the Quibbler and things like that. And you don't call me 'Loony'."

"Alright," I said, "I can't argue when you put it like that." I glanced over my shoulder at Ginny who was carefully staring down at her plant. She was grinning too widely to not have been eavesdropping. "Ginny _would _be ecstatic," I muttered flatly.

"What?" asked Luna.

I shook my head. "Nothing. Look, we'd better get something done with this plant before long, or we'll get into trouble."

Despite Ginny watching us, there was a kind of contentment that filled me up after Herbology was over. It lasted me for the rest of the day, for which I was grateful. And then it was Thursday and the good feelings were gone.

I deliberately got to Potions class early, deciding that if I had to talk to Malfoy I'd better just get it over with. I caught his eyes as he came in and he smirked, then murmured something to his cronies and came over to sit next to me. I hated him. The very thought and the overwhelming feeling that accompanied it were surprisingly strong, but it was true. I'd always hated Malfoy. Somehow that and the knowledge that I would really be working for the Order over the summer made it easier to do what I was about to do.

"I have to talk to you." I said ignoring the inquiring glances of Harry, Ron and Hermione from across the room.

He smirked at me "I thought so. I did tell you, didn't I, Black? Less than a month and you'd be back begging me for another chance."

"Look," I said, my voice a low angry hiss, "I hate myself for coming back and talking to you, if I didn't know I wasn't doing this for myself, I'd never do it."

He laughed. "You're like Potter Jr. or something. Always the martyr no matter what." He smirked. "If it makes you feel better, Black, this would have happened sooner or later, this summer, you know."

My hand curled into a fist but I couldn't think of anything intelligent to say to that. Instead, I called Malfoy several names that would have gotten me into trouble had Professor Snape heard them.

He laughed again and let me keep swearing until I ran out of words. It didn't matter. Words like that lose what little sting they had when they are your only weapons against someone more powerful. Malfoy knew that. And I hated him. I tried not to look at him for the remainder of the class because it was almost physically painful to see that smirk on his face. He knew he had some power over me, admittedly, it was not much, but making me miserable was all he needed really.

As we were leaving the class Malfoy insisted upon walking beside me amiably, keeping up even when I walked so fast I was almost running. He was about six inches taller than I was and had a much longer stride. I wished I could run, but that would seem to Malfoy as if I was running away and it would make him happy. I didn't want to give him anything more than necessary to hoard against me over the summer.

He smirked at me as we finally approached the Great Hall. "You shouldn't be so depressed, Black," he noted lightly. "You'll do well this summer, I'm sure." His voice lowered so only I could hear him. "I'm sure you'll make an excellent Death Eater."

Leaving me with that unthinkable fact, he strutted on into the Great hall. And I wondered how on earth I was going to survive the holidays—or the rest of the school year for that matter.

That night I went to Snape's office as usual, not sure what to expect after the events that had taken place at my last Occlumency lesson with him.

"Evening, Black," said Snape as I entered the room. He was cold as ever. "You accepted Malfoy's offer in Potions class today." It wasn't a question.

"Yessir." I said anyways.

"What did he say?"

"He-he said lots of things, sir." I said, not willing to relate all the events of that afternoon to Snape.

"I beg your pardon, Mr. Black? Would you care to clarify that statement?"

"Um, sorry, sir," I muttered. "He said that I would have come to him sooner or later over the summer and he told me—he told me he thought I'd be a good Death Eater."

Snape scoffed at this. "Malfoy obviously knows nothing about being in the service of the Dark Lord than whatever fanciful suppositions his feeble mind has fabricated after seeing his father come home in that damned mask and cloak. Truth be told, Black, at the moment you are exactly opposite of the character the Dark Lord looks for in his servants."

I waited for him to say more, but he didn't. "Is that bad, sir?" I asked finally. "That I don't want to be Death Eater?"

"We have not asked you to be a Death Eater, Black," said Snape. "We have asked you to take advantage of a situation from which the only results we could foresee were either your death at the hands of a Death Eater or your becoming a Death Eater and to use it to the advantage of the Order and of everyone. And this brings me to our lesson tonight."

"We're not doing Occlumency tonight?"

"Do not interrupt me, Black. And no, you will continue to practice Occlumency on your own and on Tuesday nights with me. Some time in the near future, I may even attempt to teach you proper Legilimency, since you are so well suited to it. For now however, and for every Thursday night in future, when you come here I will be teaching you two things: how to be a convincing Death Eater and how to remain useful to the Order while you are in the service of the Dark Lord. We will start with basic defensive spells you may need—normally this would be unnecessary but Merlin only knows what use you've made of that Ministry-processed hippogriff dung Umbridge has been teaching you—and we'll move on from there. Can you handle that, Black?"

I frowned and bit my lip. I'd never heard Snape talk like this and it scared me.

"Did you hear me, Black?"

"Yessir." My voice was quiet but to my relief it was not trembling with fear.

"Do you understand what I said, Black?"

"Yessir."

"Good. I have placed a spell on this room so that no sound will leave it. Now, let's begin. What have you learned about Wizard Duels?"

By the time the lesson was over I wasn't sure if I should feel reassured that I was learning the things I needed to learn or if the nature of the lessons and their teacher should have resulted in my being more terrified than ever. Snape stopped me as I was about to leave the room.

"Oh, Black" he said

"Yessir?" I was suppressing a yawn. I didn't want to spend any more time in his office than was absolutely necessary.

"The Headmaster has asked me to inform you that he'd like you to attend a part of an Order meeting this coming Saturday so that he can explain the situation to the other Order members and so that you and your, ah, father," he said the word with a certain skepticism that reminded me of how much he loathed Sirius, "can safely discuss your induction to the Order."

I frowned. "How will I get there, sir?"

"The Headmaster will prepare you a Portkey. He will expect you in his office at three o'clock tomorrow afternoon."

"Okay," I said. "Thank you, sir."

I left his office. I thought it was strange that Dumbledore would go to the trouble of sending me to an actual Order meeting. I wondered how important what I was going to be doing was anyways. It was just for convenience's sake wasn't it? It had never come into my head to think that I might actually be important or that it would matter to anyone but me what side I was on.

I was close to Gryffindor Tower but I couldn't sleep yet. Not when my mind was so full. I found a hidden spot in a space behind a suit of armor. I didn't care if Filch or anyone caught me. But in any case I was reasonably sure that I would be hard to see to the average passerby in the corridor. I'd always had a knack for finding small spaces like that. SCL can make a person want to hide from the world at the best of times.

I wondered how heavily my SCL weighed into Voldemort's wanting me on his side. What about having SCL had convinced everyone that I had such a potential for spying? I knew it could be controlled with some difficulty and lots of training. But Snape had said I would do well at learning proper Legilimency because of my natural acclimation for it. And hadn't I done something strange with Legilimency the other night?

But that didn't seem reason enough to make the Dark Lord take notice of me. There were other wizards who were strong Legilimens and they were trained already and knew how to use it all the way. I could barely control my SCL yet, and aside from the way my mind naturally tuned itself to the thoughts of everyone around me I didn't know very much about real Legilimency or Occlumency. What else did I have that he could have wanted?

I wasn't naturally suited by personality to be a spy. I had always been anti-social and people tended to avoid me on instinct. I assumed if I had been born for a double life I would be at least a little more charismatic. But I'd always been an outcast partly because I avoided people on purpose and partly because they usually avoided me after finding out who my father was.

A strange thought struck me. Almost the entire Wizarding world thought that Sirius was working as a Death Eater, when in fact he was actually Dumbledore's man. The Order knew that, but Peter Pettigrew—the man who was truly responsible for the crimes that had gotten my father incarcerated—was working for the Dark Lord, which meant that the other side knew that Sirius was for the Order. And they knew that I was his son.

Was I crazy to think that my heritage could have influenced the Dark Lord asking Malfoy to try and get me to become a Death Eater? I thought back to how I'd been on the train ride to Hogwarts, when Malfoy had first confronted me. Introverted, still struggling to keep my SCL under control, with mixed feelings about Sirius and Harry, Ron and Hermione. I'd changed since school started, but not that much. And hadn't I been easy to convince? Hadn't it been as simple as one murder to bring me around to the Dark Side?

Was that it? Was it nothing but the extra hurt it would cause the Order to lure away the children of its members to fight against their parents? But then why was I the only one? No one had asked Ginny or Ron to become a Death Eater.

No, that couldn't be it. I sat thinking behind the statue until I felt like I was going to drift off to sleep right there if I didn't move soon. I stood up and went back to Gryffindor Tower. I was lucky to find the Fat Lady awake, but irritable. I muttered the password and climbed through the Portrait Hole after she had grudgingly swung open. I kept trying to think of some other quality I possessed that would justify the interest the Dark Lord had in me. But I couldn't. I was thoroughly un-extraordinary.

And this—as though he were the mind reader and not I—Is the essence of what Sage proceeded to grumble at me when I came into the dorm at a quarter past midnight.

"Sorry to wake you." I said. Hurriedly changing into my pajamas.

"What in Merlin's name were you doing out this late?" he snapped

"Thinking." I said

Sage snorted at me "You would." He said, rolling over so he didn't have to look at me anymore.

**A/N: Okay, that's about it. More on Sage will be in next Chapter plus a big gooey moment between Sirius and Tim. Please review, I'd like to know how I'm doing. Also, most of Tim's story will be taking place during the sixth book and the summer after the fifth book. Tim will be an official Death Eater before you know it. (Only not really Official per se because he's a spy but……whatever)**

**Love you guys.**

**--Orii**


	11. Everything comes crashing down

**Shades of Grey**

**By: Orii15**

**Disclaimer: Because I **_**so**_** don't own Harry Potter. Sorry to disappoint y'all and all….**

**A/N: Yay! Another update! This chapter turned out to be almost another Chapterzilla! (17 pages), but I had to write it like that to get in everything I wanted to get in. **

**Part One of Tim's Story (which takes place during OotP) is almost over. I wanted to be done with that part by chapter 10 but that's not happening.**

**Thanks to everyone who's read up to this point. I really appreciate your support and especially your reviews. (Which means Ramzes wins the prize for most consistently making me want to write more by reviewing every chapter) **

**And as always, a shout-out goes to my sister, who I understand has recently changed her pen name to something I can't remember, because she beta's for me. **

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As I'd expected he would, Sage harassed me about coming into the dorm in the middle of the night claiming to have been "thinking".

"And I don't care if you like to think of yourself as nocturnal or whatever," He said to me over his coffee on Friday morning. "You can be nocturnal on your own time and not when I'm trying to sleep."

"What are you going on about, Sage?" Said Andrew irritably.

"Black." Said Sage. "He came into the dorm last night at about midnight and woke me up."

Ginny snorted. "Please, Sage." She said, "For Merlin's sakes. Cry me a river, why don't you?"

"You weren't the one who got woken up in the middle of the night!" Said Sage "You were in your own dorm."

"I didn't hear anything last night, Sage." Said Andrew "Just you snoring like always and Colin talking in his sleep."

"You could sleep soundly through the Second Coming." Said Sage dismissively.

"Look," I said, growing weary of the argument. "I'm sorry I woke you up when I came in last night, but as I recall you fell back asleep almost right away and you certainly seem to be bright and cheery as always this morning. It doesn't look like missing fifteen minutes of sleep has done you any lasting harm."

"It's not the fifteen minutes of sleep I'm angry about!" Said Sage. "It's the fact that one way or another you've managed to get me up in the middle of the night twice in as many months and I don't think you're really sorry!"

"Merlin! Let it go, Sage, would you?" said Andrew. "It's not really a big deal."

Sage glared at the lot of us but contented himself with turning back to his coffee.

"You really know just how to get to him, don't you?" Said Ginny.

"I don't do it on purpose." I said. "I really didn't mean to wake him up, and I've never understood why Sage hates me so much."

"Seriously?" said Ginny. "You didn't see it?"

"What?" I said.

She regarded me seriously, and lowered her voice so the pre-occupied Sage wouldn't accidentally over hear us. "Tim, he's jealous of you."

"No, he isn't." I said. "What is there to be jealous of?"

"You really didn't see it at all?"

"No. I thought he just thought I was a jerk for waking him up all the time. What have I got that he would want?"

Ginny shrugged. "It's not so much what have you got, it's how you just randomly showed up after leaving another school for a reason nobody really knows and you're in smarter classes than he is, you made friends with all of us and with Harry, Ron and Hermione pretty much right away and you're just generally more interesting than he is. Being the son of an infamous mass murderer and all that, and having Subconscious Legilimency."

"What?" I said. "What are you talking about? That's not even anything to be jealous of."

"Apparently he thinks it is."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

"Hey, Tim."

"What?"

"I've got news for you."

"And what's that, exactly, Ginny?"

"People are stupid."

I shook my head. "I still don't understand. And how did you figure all this out, anyways?"

"You'd be surprised what you pick up living with my brothers. Anyways, what is there not to get?"

"Just _everything_, Ginny."

She sighed. "Okay, well how about this. What if you worked for three years to establish yourself with a community of friends and to make a reputation for yourself at Hogwarts as one of the smartest students, and you finally were thinking you almost had it and then some random kid comes out of nowhere and ruins it all."

"That's what he's on about?"

"More or less. From what I understand Jacob is from a muggle family. He's the first Sage to have magic in about four hundred years and he's really ambitious. He came to Hogwarts and he was really annoyed that there were people like me who had known magic as a way of life and also that there existed people like Colin who were as much in the dark as he was but just accepted it and went with it. So he tried to catch up and to learn everything all at once and he ended up as sort of an outcast because he was always reading like _Hogwarts a History_ and trying to be smarter than us in classes. And when we finally noticed him and tried to be friends he got pissed again because Colin was the one who tried to reach out first and, apart from being generally annoying, Colin had been picking up what you would call like Magical Street Smart from me and Kirke for the whole time we'd been friends and Sage was still behind everyone."

"This was all in our first year?"

"Yup. And as you can see the drama continues even today."

"Yea, but I don't remember any of this. I remember Sage always looked really pissed and that you and Colin and Kirke tried to make me be friends with you at the beginning of the year, but none of this about him trying to catch up or being an outcast or anything."

"Yea, but where were you in first year?" said Ginny "We were all a bit distracted that year. Like that was the year I spent with Tom Riddle and Colin was practically stalking Harry and you were always sitting in corners and stuff and you didn't talk to us much. But I heard from my brother Charlie that nobody's first year ever goes the way they want it to."

"No kidding." I said, remembering the year I'd spent trying to ignore the over-whelming floods of voices inside my mind.

The bell rang and we started off in different directions because my first class was Transfiguration.

I thought about Sage being jealous of me, it seemed stupid. And Ginny saying, "Seriously? You don't see it?" As if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Even after she'd explained it I didn't fully see what Sage could want that I had. It had always seemed to me—and more so than ever since the beginning of the year—that my life had started off rather low as lives go and had been slowly going down the tubes since then.

It was sort of like the other night when I'd been trying to see what I had that had made the Dark Lord so interested in me. I looked at myself and I was this too small, too pale kid with a head of scruffy dark hair and grey-blue eyes. Even when you added in every interesting quality I had ever been told I possessed I still didn't add up to much.

I decided that I'd ask Sirius about it when I got to see him on Saturday. Maybe he knew something I didn't about why these things happened to me.

And when I arrived at Number 12 Grimmauld place the next afternoon my father and Remus Lupin were waiting for me in the downstairs kitchen.

"Back to see me again already?" said Sirius jokingly.

I smiled and shrugged; glad to play along for once. "Well, I figured I'd just move in with you actually." I said "I mean Hogwarts is okay and all but—"

"Much more pleasant here, isn't it?" Said Sirius, the playfulness falling away to bitter sarcasm.

"I was thinking you could paint it yellow." I said matching his tone as well I could manage. "And then it would be."

"Oh, brilliant, Tim." Said Sirius "That's all this place needs: An ugly paint job."

"I thought you said it couldn't be any worse?" said Lupin, raising an eyebrow at my father with a half smile.

"Well, that was before I knew my son was aspiring to be an interior designer, Remus."

Remus laughed. "Yes. Between Tim and Harry you've really got your hands full, don't you Sirius?"

"You two are the worst kids on the face of the earth." Groaned Sirius, joking again. "When it's not the one of you defying the ministry with secret societies it's the other getting inducted into the Order at the age of fourteen. And I still don't know how you've managed that, Tim."

I shrugged. "I didn't do it on purpose, Sirius." I said.

"No, obviously not." Said Sirius "For someone who never means it, Tim, you are really giving Harry a run for his money this year."

"You just came in at a strange time." I told him "You wouldn't say that if you'd known me before this year. All I did was hide in corners and get teased by the kids at Flinn's."

"All the stories I heard from Leah point to the contrary." He said.

"Well Leah's—she was—Leah's a good story teller." I said. I hated hearing myself use Leah's name with a past tense. I blinked several times, staring at my shoes. "She was always good at making boring things seem interesting."

"She did have a gift for drama." Said Sirius smiling.

I nodded. "I remember she used to scare me so bad when I was a little kid with these crazy bedtime stories. We lived in this tiny little apartment and I didn't even have a proper closet for monsters to hide in. And I kept on insisting to Leah that it just meant there were twice as many monsters under my bed."

"My cousins used to convince our old house-elf to hide under my bed." Said Sirius. "And even though I knew every single time that it was him, he always scared me silly." Sirius grimaced. "Contrary to popular belief the Noble House of Black is not a nice family to grow up in."

Remus started to say something but stopped at the sounds of footsteps coming down the stairs. Snape, Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall came into the kitchen. Snape glared at Sirius who wasted no time in glaring angrily back. I remembered the hatred Snape had often expressed for my father but I hadn't seen them together until then.

"How quaint," sneered Snape. "Father and son together."

Sirius stiffened at the words, his eyes daring Snape to say more and his right hand moving to draw his wand from his pocket.

Seemingly sensing, as I did, the fight that was close at hand, Dumbledore shut Snape up with a warning glance and Remus pushed Sirius into a chair at the table.

The rest of the Order members all arrived within the next ten minutes. Sirius told me their names as they came into the room. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley—Ginny's parents—, Sirius's Metamorphmagus cousin Tonks, Alastor "Mad-eye" Moody who used to be head of the Auror Department at the ministry, Kinsley Shacklebolt, who had known Leah a little bit because he was an Auror himself, and maybe a dozen more filed in and seated themselves around the table. All of then gave me curious and somewhat confused looks. I fixed my gaze on the wood-grain patterns on the table.

After a few moments of hushed chatter Dumbledore called the meeting to order. "Good afternoon, my friends." He said. "Welcome back. We have much to discuss, but I'm sure by now you have all been wondering about our young guest Mr. Black. I assure that he does have a valid reason for being here today. Tim, would you care to explain the circumstances that brought you here?"

I kept my eyes down, not wanting to look up and see everyone looking at me. "Um, sure." I said, and my voice was quiet and hesitating. "Well, I think it started on the Hogwarts Express. Draco Malfoy asked if he could talk to me and then we went into an empty compartment and he basically tried to get me to become a Death Eater. He said he wasn't one yet, but that this summer he's becoming one and that—that the Dark Lord was interested in my joining him and that I had potential as a Death Eater because I have Subconscious Legilimency and so I could be a very strong Legilimens. " Whispers broke out around the table.

Dumbledore held up his hands for silence. "Continue, please, Mr. Black." He said  
"What did you tell Mr. Malfoy that day on the train?"

"I told him I wouldn't do it." I said "And he warned me that there were strong consequences for refusing the Dark Lord and he said he'd give me a week until I had to give him a final answer. Then he let me leave and I wanted to tell someone right away but he hit me with a spell—I think it was a jinx—that didn't let me talk about anything that he'd told me. A week after that he asked me what my final answer was and I told him it was 'no'. And he was angry he told me I'd be back within a month to ask for another chance but he let me leave again. Then, last week—Last week my mum, Leah, was murdered and the Malfoys became my legal guardians." I swallowed the lump that was growing in my throat.

"Will you be able to finish, Mr. Black?" asked Dumbledore.

I nodded. "Yea. I just—I'll be okay."

Sirius gave me a sympathetic look.

"The Malfoys became my legal guardians because Sirius couldn't. And I realized that if I spent the summer alone with them then I'd probably be forced to become a Death Eater anyways. And I so told Professor Snape—"

"How'd you do that?" Asked a man with scraggly ginger hair whom Sirius had introduced to me simply as 'Dung'. (I assumed this was a nickname or short for something, but I couldn't think of a name unfortunate enough to merit 'Dung' as a nickname.) "I thought young Malfoy jinxed you."

"He did." I said "But I'm not sure exactly how I—"

"Black used a form of Legilimency to communicate his situation to me." Said Snape. "I've been attempting to teach him Occlumency so that his Subconscious Legilimency does not limit him so severely in classes as it would normally, and he used what little he understands of the Legilimency skills he possesses to show me a series of memories that I used to interpret what had happened to him. Upon understanding the situation I brought him immediately to Dumbledore."

More murmuring from the Order members.

"And this" said Dumbledore "Brings us up to the current situation. Severus and I discussed Mr. Black's circumstances thoroughly that night and came to the same conclusion as he did. Which is that with Draco Malfoy having already offered to him what has proven to be a genuine invitation to join the Dark Lord, and with the Malfoys now as his legal guardians, it would be almost impossible for Mr. Black to spend a summer alone with the Malfoys and not be inducted into Lord Voldemort's forces against his will. And this is why Tim Black is here tonight. As of the moment we have no way to prevent him from being put into the Malfoy's care for the summer and thereby being forced to become a Death Eater. We do, however, have a way to both make the situation more bearable for Mr. Black and to use it to the advantage of the Order.

"As Severus has already stated, Mr. Black's subconscious legilimency gives him enormous potential as a Legilimens with the proper training. Indeed, he may eventually be able to perform tasks within the mind of other wizards that even the most powerful Legilimens are incapable of. It is very likely that this is the reason Lord Voldemort wanted Tim on his side, but it is also this self-same ability of Tim's that will let him penetrate the Dark Lord's forces as a spy. Severus is already training him in Legilimency and other magics he may need this summer and Mr. Black has agreed to this plan."

"Albus!" said Mrs. Weasley. "Are you sure there isn't something else we can do for him? He might have agreed to the plan, but that doesn't mean he understands what he's doing! That he can see the consequences of it." She turned to me. "Tim, dear, how old are you?"

"I'm fourteen." I said "But—"

"Fourteen!" Gushed Mrs. Weasley "Albus, he's a child! Even if he were seventeen there's still—"

"Molly," said Dumbledore gently. "There is no other alternative. We are unable to prevent Tim from being put into the Malfoy's care over the summer. He understands his situation better than you might think, he is as intelligent and resourceful a young person as could be desired. A fact that I believe is demonstrated in the way he found to alert Severus to his situation. I think that with the proper training he will thrive in his position at the Malfoy's this summer."

After a few more minutes of discussion of what sorts of training would be the "proper" training for me and speculations about how much I could be taught before the summer the Order had other issues to move onto and I was allowed to go and wait outside the kitchen for the meeting to be over so that I could talk to Sirius.

I wandered into the front hall and then I started up to the second floor of the house. I thought it would be a while until the Order meeting was over so I was set on finding a quiet spot to think while I waited. I walked through the halls of Grimmauld Place until I found myself in the drawing room that held the tapestry with the Black Family Tree on it.

I'd seen the tree before of course. Sirius had showed it to me the previous weekend, but he hadn't been eager to talk about it and I hadn't gotten as much time as I'd wanted to look at it. I knelt down to get a better view of the bottom most branches. I traced the burn where Sirius's name had been. And there were the Malfoys, next to his name. Narcissa Malfoy was Sirius's cousin.

I thought about the Black Family, trying so hard for so long to remain "toujours pur"—always pure. Going so far as to disown anyone who tried to go against their beliefs. These were the kinds of people I would be with this summer, people who didn't think a wizard was worth anything unless his blood was pure. And then, I tried not to think about it. I wondered how much longer the Order meeting could go on.

There was a slight scuffling sound from the doorway of the room and I turned to see Sirius's old house-elf Kreacher. I'd heard Sirius talk about him but never actually met the elf himself. He was old and wrinkled with glaring malevolent eyes and tufts of white hair coming out of his over-sized ears. He was muttering to himself, apparently not having noticed me.

"Oh, how they disgrace my Mistresses house, blood traitors and mud-bloods and the werewolf creature. Oh, yes, they're all scum, befouling the House of Black. And what can Kreacher do about it? He must serve his master the criminal blood-traitor…"

I stood up slowly, hoping to edge out of the room without the elf noticing me. He gave me the creeps and I didn't feel like having him for company as I waited for my father.

The elf glanced at me and froze muttering faster. "And this is the boy who says he is the son of my Master. He is just like him. Kreacher wonders what he was doing with the tapestry. Kreacher will not let the unnatural brat destroy his Mistress's house."

"I wasn't destroying the tapestry." I said nervously, edging towards the door.

The elf bowed mockingly and said, "Whatever Young Master says. Kreacher is here to serve the House of Black." He scuttled towards the tapestry. "Young Master is a lying traitor like his father. Oh, what would my poor mistress say if she saw him here, talking to Kreacher as if he had any right to set foot in the House of Black. Kreacher will find out what he is really up to."

"I'm not up to anything, Kreacher." I said. "I'm waiting for Sirius."

"Young Master must do as Young Master pleases." Said Kreacher. "His father is murderous scum, spending years in Azkaban and then coming back and befouling the house as if he'd never left it. Oh, yes, he broke his mother's heart. Master was always a disgraceful ingrate, and then he ran away. Oh, how my poor Mistress cried that day. Master is a disgusting swine. And how my Mistress hated him."

"Shut up." I said my hand on the door of the drawing room. I would have left without another thought but then the elf began to scream at me in earnest.

"Kreacher will not!" shrieked the elf. "Kreacher will not obey this scum! This nasty blood traitor brat who dares befoul my Mistress's house! This son of murderers and filth! Kreacher will not obey!" He looked triumphant and deluded with unfocused blood-shot eyes. He glared at me defiantly.

I turned to meet his insane and overly large eyes. "I said 'Shut up', Kreacher." I said.

He didn't say another word, but whether in response to me or because he found glowering silently at me more effective than speech I couldn't say. I left the room and spent the remainder of the time waiting for Sirius at the top of the staircase. I was glad to have left the old elf's company. It was maybe three quarters of an hour later when Sirius found me.

"There you are." He said. "I wanted to talk to you."

"About what happened at the meeting?" I said.

He shook his head, sitting down next to me. "About your being a spy for the Order this summer."

"Oh." I said. "Okay, well I wanted to talk to you about that, too."

"Right. You go first."

"Alright. Well, there was just something I don't understand about all this. I can't see why Malfoy asked me to become a Death Eater in the first place. Maybe I do have SCL and I'm taking a couple of classes at a fifth year level but that's no big deal. I don't understand why or how someone saw me and decided I was Death Eater material."

Sirius chuckled nervously. "You would ask the hardest question." He said. "I don't know who spotted you as a potential Death Eater or why they chose to focus on you. It might have to do with a lot of things. Like the fact that you do seem to have a lot more magical talents than you think—especially because of your subconscious legilimency."

"But aren't there other wizards who are more powerful Legilimens? I mean what's the point? I can barely control my SCL."

Sirius shrugged. "You're young and strong and they're probably hoping that means you'll be easy to bend into what they want you to be." He grinned at me. "But of course they're wrong." He was so confident and I could tell that for some reason he was really proud of me. As if having his son prematurely inducted into the Order as a spy was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

I frowned and bit my lip. I didn't want Sirius to stop looking at me like that, feeling proud of me, but I didn't want to lie to him either or to let him think I was someone I wasn't. "Sirius," I said.

"Yea?"

"Sirius, what if they're right?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean—what if I can't do it? What if after all this something happens and I turn out to be just who they think I am? Young and strong and really stupid and easy to manipulate. Or what if I can't learn enough Legilimency before this summer and I get caught?"

Sirius frowned at me. "There really is a lot that could go wrong isn't there?"

I nodded.

"You know you don't have to do this, don't you, Tim? Dumbledore can probably work something out for you. You don't have to join the Order or anything like that."

I shook my head. "I don't want to become a Death Eater, Sirius." I said. "But no matter what I do I'll end up living with the Malfoys. And if I'm not with the Order then that means it's real. That means I'd have to mean it every time I used an Unforgivable Curse. And I can't do that."

"You really are too young to be wrapped up in all this," said Sirius. "Fourteen. You shouldn't have to make these choices."

"Sirius, what am I going to do? What am I going to do when they want me to kill people? Or torture them? I can't do that."

Sirius put a hand on my shoulder. "I know it's going to be hard for you, Tim. Merlin, this is why we aren't supposed to let kids your age into the Order; you're not old enough to have to be involved in all this. But, look—this summer—well, we're not going to be able to keep in contact but I swear I'll find a way to talk to you if you need me. And—if Dumbledore trusts you enough to take this risk then there's no reason for you to doubt what you can and can't do."

I just shook my head, but I didn't say anything else. I couldn't because I was crying. My face felt hot as tears blurred my vision. I was sitting next to my father bawling my eyes out. Sirius didn't seem to know what to do with me; he kept his hand on my back and he started to say something but then he stopped himself. I wanted to stop crying because it was embarrassing to know Sirius was embarrassed by me, but I couldn't manage to stop the flow of tears. It was like the full weight of everything that had happened that year had crashed down on me in this moment.

"It'll be okay," murmured Sirius speaking to himself and to me at the same time. Both of us remained unconvinced. "Merlin, I hate this. Seeing kids like you and Harry get caught up in the war. This never should have happened."

I still didn't say anything. I don't know how long we were sitting there silently. Eventually Dumbledore came and found us, because I had to go back to school. Sirius walked us back down the to kitchen where our port-key was waiting.

"Bye, Sirius." I said.

"See you later, Tim. Tell Harry I said Hello."

"Yea."

* * *

**A/N: Yay! Goopy moment over! It took me three or four tries to get Sirius's character right in that because in canon he's not really Mr. Inspiring Quote of the Month and I didn't want him to be different than that in Tim's story…**

**Hope you all enjoyed Sage's random back-story and Tim's little run-in with Kreacher. Next chapter will be posted by the end of the week (hopefully, although I don't expect anyone to put down Deathly Hallows to read poor ol' Tim) and will have more of Malfoy and Snape and evil Death Eater stuff in it.**

**Please review. (Don't Read and Run because that's _really _annoying...)  
**

**Love you guys.**

**As always,**

**Orii**


	12. Fears and Irrationalities

**Shades of Grey**

**By: Orii15**

**Disclaimer: I feel it would be most criminal of me really to claim I own Harry and co. right after the 7****th**** book came out…..so, just for the record, I don't.**

**A/N: …..YAY? Thish chapter bees emo….Sorry for posting it late, I had band camp and getting my braces of and getting my learner's permit to worry about…..and (ahem!) other stuff…..**

The next few weeks were uncomfortable. Harry Potter had in fact started a Defense Association called Dumbledore's Army. The first meeting had been the weekend of Leah's funeral in a dingy pub called the Hog's Head in Hogsmede and after that (deciding to ignore the fact the Professor Umbridge—who was turning out to be quite ambitious and had recently obtained the title of Hogwarts High Inquisitor from the Minister of Magic—had officially disbanded all student organizations.) they had met again in a secret room called the Room of Requirement.

Harry, Ron and Hermione had invited me to join them, convinced that I would need a Defensive Magics course more than anyone because I would be spending the summer with the Malfoys. I turned them down. Of course I couldn't tell them that I was already learning Defensive Magic with Professor Snape every Thursday night, but I did manage to convince them—not without some difficulty—that I couldn't do it.

Professor Umbridge had been watching me carefully ever since it had come out in the papers that I was Sirius's son. She was forever waiting for me to slip up; to do something incriminating. I was the last thing Harry's secret defense group needed because the only thing that could have motivated Umbridge more in her quest to find the group and put a stop to it was my being involved with it.

Sometime in the middle of October I fully mastered Occlumency. If Snape was pleased with me he did an excellent job of hiding it. We moved onto Legilimency and Snape began the curious habit of extracting certain memories at the beginning of each class and depositing them into a Pensive so that I couldn't accidentally get at them when I was practicing. I picked up Legilimency with surprising speed and accuracy although whenever Snape mentioned anything of my progress he always made sure to throw in a taunt about my unorthodox approach to the subject.

"I've heard it said that wizards with Subconscious Legilimency never can manage to see eye to eye with _normal_ wizards in Legilimency, though," he said smirking.

"What does that mean exactly, Sir?"

"It means, Black, that were I a scholar of Mind Magics I would find your technique dreadfully unusual. As it is, I think the Dark Lord wants your strange habits to be preserved. He seems to think that you could potentially achieve things in this area that a normal wizard would find impossible."

"What things, sir?"

"Many things, Black. Far more than I have the time to explain to such a slow mind as yours tonight."

He never did fully explain exactly what the Dark Lord thought I was capable of, apparently having decided that any progress I made in those areas would be made on my own time. It was rare for Snape to speak to me of the Dark Lord in that way; usually he was much more reserved with that sort of information.

And as for Malfoy, he rarely did so much as look at me not to mention speaking to me, but every once in so often he would find me in the hallway or catch up to me after class and say something nasty to me about Sirius, or drop hideous hints of what he thought would occur that summer. What bothered me was not the bullying itself, because I'd had more than my fair share of that at Flinn's, but the fact that it still bothered me so much. I hated that cruel words could still make my stomach clench in fear and my mouth go dry. And that every time he came to me and tried to provoke a reaction Malfoy was gratified.

"Hey, Black! Did you hear what happened to Potty?" He asked me one morning in early November, having cornered me after a Potions Class and now insisting on walking next to me on the way to the Great Hall for Lunch.

"I heard lots of things about him, actually." I said. "Is it true he defeated the Dark Lord at the age of one?" I was trying to keep my voice cool and unafraid but the fact that I was practically running in a vain attempt to leave Malfoy behind me gave me away.

Malfoy scoffed at me. "I don't care what level classes you're in Black, you really are incredibly slow."

I shrugged. "So I've been told," I said. "But what did you want anyways, Malfoy?"

"So you haven't heard then?" Malfoy smirked at me. "Potter's been kicked off the Quidditch team."

"What?"

"Banned for life and Umbridge confiscated his broom. And the Weasley twins got the same." He said proudly. "Ask me what happened, Black."

"Judging from your conceited expression I'm guessing that somehow you engineered it?"

"Whatever they say about him, Saint Potter certainly has a terrible temper. Just one tiny comment about his poor old dead mum and he was off."

"And you wonder why nobody likes you."

"No, Black." Said Malfoy. "_Gryffindors_ don't like me because I hate their precious Potter. As far as I can tell everyone else—everyone who's not blinded from staring too long into stupid Saint Potter's halo—seems to like me just fine."

"Just keep telling yourself that, Malfoy. From what I can see the only ones who like you are the Slytherins and even some of them probably don't."

"At least I don't have half the school scared to talk to me because they think my father's a murderer." The confidence was leaving his voice now; he was getting angry.

I felt my face getting hot with anger as well. "No," I said. "You've got _three quarters_ of the school scared to _look_ at you because they _know_ your father's a Death Eater."

I had crossed a line. Malfoy drew his wand. Pointing it at my chest he took three steps towards me and I backed away from him effectively trapping myself with my back against the wall. "You think you're so clever." Hissed Malfoy. "But you haven't got the guts to back up your words with your wand."

I drew my wand. My hand was shaking slightly. I didn't say another word.

Malfoy smirked at me. "You're not so brave as you like to think, Black. I'd be more careful about what I said to me if I were you. After all we've got the whole summer to spend together—you, me and my father. So if I were you I'd just keep my mouth shut. Get it?"

"Got it."

"Good." He pocketed his wand and left. And for a moment, staring at his retreating back, I dearly wanted to hex him into oblivion.

But I didn't.

And so it went right up until mid-December. Ginny, Colin and Luna had noticed I was being bullied more than usual and even Harry, Ron and Hermione came to talk to me about it.

"If he's bothering you that much you should go to McGonagall about it." Hermione told me.

I shook my head. "It's fine." I mumbled. "Malfoy's just a moron. I can handle it."

"You shouldn't let him get away with stuff like that." Said Harry. "If you want to learn some good hexes the DA—"

"The problem isn't that I don't know enough hexes," I said "It's just that I don't have the guts to go through with actually using them on Malfoy."

"I'll do it for you." Offered Ron. "It's not like he doesn't deserve it. The slimy git."

"Ron!" said Hermione. "Might I remind you that you're a prefect!"

Ron snorted. "So is Malfoy, and it hasn't stopped him from bullying the younger students."

"That's not the point!" said Hermione.

"And what is the point exactly, Hermione?"

"The point is, Ronald, that you shouldn't lower yourself to his level!"

By the time December came around I was more than ready for the break. I'd been receiving an abundance of homework in my OWL classes and in my normal classes. Snape had even begun pushing me harder in my extra classes with him. He kept asking me to try strange things when we were working on Legilimency.

It was becoming obvious that when it came to that kind of Mind Magic we really didn't see eye to eye. For me Legilimency was controlled, it was a matter of searching through a mind for what I wanted. For Snape—and probably for most wizards as far as I could tell—Legilimency dealt with viewing the memories on the surface of a wizard's mind. Not necessarily recent things, but things that were somehow relevant to the wizard at the moment they were attacked. I had much more versatility within a mind. Something that Snape seemed to think I wasn't taking full advantage of.

"I don't understand what you want me to do, sir." I said one evening after a particularly exhausting practice.

"I want you to get rid of whatever shallow definition of Legilimency you seem to be limiting yourself to." said Snape. "What you call Legilimency is something that some of the most advanced Legilimens cannot achieve. You will never have a normal grasp of the subject, and I want you to stop trying to do Legilimency as other wizards would do it. I thought we had made progress that night you showed me those memories of yours, that is the kind of thing I want you to try to do."

"Sir, that was completely different from what we're doing now." I said "That was you inside my mind, and now it's the other way around." I didn't mention that Snape had blocked off most of his memories from me when I entered and still others were always in the Pensive so that when it came right down to it there was very little I had access to inside his mind.

"Have you been practicing Legilimency outside of this class, Black?"

"No, sir." I said. "I haven't told anyone about this class and it takes two to practice Legilimency. I don't think anyone else would agree to it."

"I see," said Snape "And tell me, Black, when you are in the service of the Dark Lord and he asks you to invade the mind of a fellow Death Eater do you think you will be given permission from him to enter?"

"No, sir, but—"

"Then I do not see what is holding you back. You have told me yourself repeatedly over the last few months that you don't need to use any kind of verbal magic to enter the minds of others and you are almost undetectable when you do so. Do you honestly think that someone with an untrained mind such as one of your classmates would notice your presence once you were inside their minds?"

"No, sir, but—"

"And so then, Black, isn't it true that you are the only thing holding you back?"

"Yes, sir but I—"

"Then in the end Black whose will be the bigger loss this summer when you cannot meet the expectations of the Dark Lord?"

"Mine, sir. But I still don't see how it's right to just invade someone's mind."

"Then my advice to you, Black," said Snape. "Is to forget whatever it is you have been taught about right and wrong, because I can assure you with utter confidence that practicing Legilimency on your ignorant class-mates will in no way be the worst thing you do within the next year."

There he went again dropping his dark hints of days to come that made my stomach clench in fear. I bit my lip and tried not to think about it. "Sir," I said. "What—what exactly are Malfoy and I going to be doing this summer?"

"I don't know exactly, Black," said Snape regarding my frightened expression haughtily. "There will be some teaching of Unforgivable Curses and no doubt some application of the lesser two to you and the others training there if you should fail to please the other Death Eaters. There are many dark curses you may be introduced to one way or another and eventually you will complete training and you will be branded with the Dark Mark." His long spidery right hand drew involuntarily closer to his left forearm as if by some long forgotten impulse.

"And—when you're a spy, sir—when you're with the Order—how does it—is it any different?"

"I should think by now, Black, you would know that the point of being a spy is to blend in with enemy forces. You work to prevent what you can; alerting your side of the other's plans but in any immediate situation you are placed in the only difference is in the mindset. It is crucial that you remember always what you are but never let anyone else suspect your true loyalties."

"But tell me, Black," he sneered. "What fairytales has your father been telling you about the Order of the Phoenix while he sits uselessly inside his mother's house?"

"Sirius wouldn't lie to me." I said.

"No, Merlin forbid Sirius Black should lie to you. But it has occurred to you that he's deluding himself sitting around with only old house-elves and werewolves for company?"

Hard as I tried I never could get used to these random insults from Snape about my father. Nor had I yet figured out the right way to react to them. When they cropped up into our conversations there were usually very few things I could say that wouldn't get me detention. And it occurred to me that this was exactly what Snape wanted.

"Go on, then, Black." Said Snape softly. "One more of your feeble attempts at Legilimency and then you may go."

It was sometime in the middle of December—after I'd already signed up on the list of students remaining at school for the winter holidays—that Draco Malfoy approached me in the hallway to inform me that I was going home for Christmas after all. Two days before Christmas break Harry and all the Weasleys pulled out of school for something. I asked Hermione when I saw her in our last Transfiguration class of the year but she was resolvedly tight-lipped about the matter. Telling me only that Mr. Weasley was in St. Mungo's for some reason.

I accepted that there was no more information to be given on the subject and in between feeble plans of hiding in Gryffindor tower over the break and sustaining myself on whatever I could manage to smuggle up in my pockets from dinner, I sent up several short prayers for the Weasleys and Harry those last two days of break.

I avoided Malfoy on the train back to Kings Cross Station deciding that if I could help it all excess time with him was to be avoided. Still the daylong ride was too short and before I knew it we were getting off onto Platform 9 ¾ and Malfoy's parents were there to greet us.

"Ah, Tim Black," said Mr. Malfoy regarding me carefully as if to take in every detail. "You have grown more like your father even in these last few months since I'd laid eye on you. What a pity, you did so look as if you could have turned out respectably. But I suppose I ought to know a hopeless case when I see one. Especially one that hangs around dirty werewolves and mudbloods as you do."

"Remus Lupin is a good person." I said.

Mr. Malfoy laughed in my face. "Ah, you are so naïve, and yet only a year younger than Draco. Fascinating, isn't it Narcissa, how development varies with upbringing."

Mrs. Malfoy, Narcissa, looked as though she'd smelt something unpleasant. "A boy like this," she sniffed. "Son of a murderer and half-mad. I expect he's spent most of his life locked up out of sight, Lucius. That's what passes for an 'upbringing' with his lot."

I lowered my gaze to my shoes. "My father isn't a murderer."

I shouldn't have said anything. Mr. Malfoy laughed again. Draco looked triumphant and his mother continued to wrinkle her nose at me. We left the station.

Malfoy Manor was a huge house built of white stone. It might have been just as old as Hogwarts, though it certainly held none of the warmth or comfort of the old school. The Malfoys, too, were cold. I was not ignored for the next few weeks, but I learned to wish I were.

Mr. Malfoy was such an important man in the Ministry of Magic but somehow I must have been of some significance to him for some reason because he always seemed to have the time to make some snide comment at me. Sometimes it was about Sirius, sometimes about someone I knew from the Order, or about Harry, Ron and Hermione. They always stung, no matter the subject. Lucius Malfoy was very adept at making me feel more or less like scum. Mrs. Malfoy was worse in this area, her comments were more biting, but less frequent.

I spent as much time alone as was possible. I didn't like it that I had to hide to feel safe, but this seeking solitude was always my solution to adversity. Of course this gave Draco ample ammunition to make fun of me with. I let him have it. He could only use whatever snide comments he'd thought up he'd thought up if he found me, and—as has been previously established—I was a good hider.

It was not a pleasant Christmas. Though ironically, I received more presents than I ever had before in my life. The Malfoys gave me a book on Dark Magic and the various uses to which it can be applied, which I resolved to burn as soon as I got back to school. The other gifts I received were slightly less disturbing, apart from the broomstick—a Firebolt, no less—that I suspected came from Sirius firstly because it was sent anonymously and secondly because anyone who knew me well would have known better.

I am not, by nature, a trusting person. I scrutinize people easily and often and over-analyze things they say and do. I worry far too much about the little things. And this is why I have never been able to entrust my life to so many enchanted pieces of dead tree. Of course any real Quidditch fanatic would tell you that a really excellent broom like a Firebolt is much, much more than a couple of pieces of wood held together by magic and prayers, and I would say in response that I don't care. If it moves fast and involves me being high up, then I don't want anything to do with it.

But when I unwrapped the broom from the plain brown paper it was wrapped in Malfoy got this glint in his eye like he would take it if he had the chance and so I pretended I enjoyed risking my life by zooming around on some charmed up a tree branch. Somehow, I don't think he quite believed me.

"How surprising, Black," said Mr. Malfoy watching my carefully concealed expression of horror as I stared at the broomstick lying on the floor before me "Someone obviously has spent quite a bit of money on you. Do you fly?"

"I—um—sort of, sir." I stared at the floor. I'd only been on a broom once in my first year. A combination of SCL and fear of heights had landed me in the hospital wing shortly there after.

"You don't even attend Quidditch matches." Sneered Draco.

"That's true," I said evenly "But from what I've heard they seem to be fraught with foul play these days anyways. Mostly engineered by you I hear. 'Weasley is our King' and all that wasn't it?"

"Your Potter hit me first!" insisted Malfoy.

"Because you insulted his mother."

"Yes, but he—"

"Potter's mother," Mr. Malfoy cut in smoothly. "Was a filthy mud-blood and whatever my son said about her was probably not only justified by that but true as well."

"Just because you call yourself a 'Pureblood' doesn't mean you can do whatever you want!"

I could feel Mr. Malfoy's glare even though I was still staring pointedly at the floor and couldn't see it.

"Strange words coming from a boy who is himself, a Pureblood. You will soon learn, Black, that in my house and soon outside these four walls, that Pureblood is only unimportant to those unfortunate enough not to have it."

"No." I said, and I could feel my face growing flushed with anger. "That's exactly what I mean. Pureblood is only important to Purebloods. And not even to all of them. The Weasleys couldn't care less about it. The hierarchy of Wizarding Blood is a delusion that certain families enjoy believing because it makes them feel powerful."

Mr. Malfoy hit me. Not with his fist, though he was certainly within range for that sort of thing. He hit me with a spell, hard and unyielding as any fist and literally knocked me off my feet. The back of my head slammed into the very, very solid floor. I strangled a groan of pain while it was still in my throat, sitting up very slowly. I wondered if I was bleeding.

"What do you know of the importance of blood, the son of blood traitors?" said Mr. Malfoy, and he knelt down so that his face was on a level with mine. His eyes were that same cool grey his son possessed. I hated him. And I was terrified of him. I'd never been struck like that before. For a moment I thought he was going to yell at me, but then he just smirked. I found that this outcome was worse. "But what do I care what lies you believe or have been taught? Think what you will, Black, the Dark Lord will not tolerate such outbursts from you. Certainly, he thinks you may be valuable to him, but you would do well this summer to remember that no Death Eater is indispensable."

I shuddered and looked quickly away from his eyes.

He straightened up, still smirking. "Ah, well, this seems at least to have knocked some sense into you, Black. Stand up, you haven't finished unwrapping all your presents."

There was something quite sinister about his calm, cool voice. I shuddered again and stood.

When I checked the spot on the back of my head later that day, I found it swollen, and the hair around it matted with blood. And after that I learned to be careful and silent. I had thought that the incident was sure to bring on a torrent of new insults from Draco in the following days, but he made no mention of it. Somehow, he seemed smaller here, in his parents' house. I found myself wondering idly if he was scared of them, like I was. But it didn't seem rational. Surely a spoiled person like Draco Malfoy was not so easily frightened as I was of his own parents. But I noticed some strange emotion in his eyes after that, as he looked at his parents.

**A/N: Gasp! That was a little dramatic, right?! **

**Please review!**

**Orii**


	13. Endings and Beginnings

**Shades of Grey**

**By: Orii15**

**Disclaimer: No, I don't own Harry Potter. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing FANfiction, now would I?**

**A/N: Wow. Sorry this took such a long time to get out. It is very long, if that's any compensation…. and I changed the summary…Anyways, um……..yea**

**--Orii**

Needless to say I was more than grateful to be back in school when January finally rolled around. I was surprised to find that the sentiment was not exactly shared by my peers. People were beginning to become edgy and irritable. Umbridge was infiltrating the school more and more with each of her new Educational Decrees and there were murmurs of rebellion floating around the hallways.

On our first Tuesday back at Hogwarts the Daily Prophet reported ten Death Eaters had escaped from Azkaban. It was to my great annoyance and embarrassment that they blamed my father for it; claiming Sirius Black was serving as a rallying point for the old supporters of The Dark Lord. I avoided Malfoy avidly for the rest of the week, not wanting to hear his opinion on the matter.

Actually there were a lot of opinions I didn't want to hear on the matter of Death Eaters. Word spreads quickly at Hogwarts and soon I found myself being given a wide berth by the other students. It was frustrating to see people purposely avoiding me again after finally feeling I was starting to fit in. Even Sage seemed to become more careful about what he said around me.

"This is completely stupid." I said to Ginny, Luna and Colin one afternoon in early February. We were in the library trying to finish an essay for Charms class on which the due date had crept up on us. I wasn't annoyed at the homework; there were a couple of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws at a nearby table trying not to stare at us—or rather they were staring at us and whispering and failing to be discreet about it and flinching when I shot them dirty looks. "What are they expecting me to do?"

Ginny shrugged. "I dunno. Something that would confirm how very evil you obviously are." She was sarcastic and a bit too loud, making sure they could over-hear us. "Maybe you should have a fit."

"I would do it gladly if I thought it would make things better." I said bitterly. "I hate being stared at. Sirius has absolutely nothing to do with anything that's been happening lately."

"I'm surprised Umbridge hasn't tried to ask you about where he is," said Colin. "I mean if anyone would know it would be you, right? In her mind, I mean."

"She did try to talk to me." I said. "I told her I'd never known my father. And—actually I think she thinks I'm mad or something. Because I have SCL and all that. She at least thinks I'm daft because she was talking to me like I was about four."

Ginny laughed. "Isn't that how she talks to everyone? 'Hem hem' and 'Oh really, dear?' and 'Harry Potter is a dreadful liar.' And all that." I'd never noticed before but Ginny did an impeccable Umbridge imitation.

"Oh, and she doesn't believe in Nargles," said Luna as if that one factor was enough to prove Umbridge's incompetence once and for all.

"Well, there you go." I said. "The woman's obviously not sane."

"Such powers of observation," said Ginny. "No wonder you're in OWL classes."

"Yea, I try." I said.

It seemed to me that everyone at school had been much more withdrawn and frustrated with the world on starting school again after the break. Between Umbridge, the break-out from Azkaban, and the continuing onslaught of pre-OWL homework the fifth years and I were being given, I was not surprised that Harry, Ron and Hermione were now always too busy to spare more than a hurried greeting in the hallway for Ginny, Colin, Kirke and me. Though Ginny and Kirke were apparently seeing quite a lot of Ron at Quidditch practices, having taken up the posts of Seeker and Beater respectively after Harry and the elder two Weasley brothers were kicked off in November.

Snape especially was becoming more and more frustrated with my lack of progress in Legilimency. I could do whatever he asked me to do with the mind magic, getting inside his mind and finding memories or listening to his thoughts, but he wanted me to repeat something like the unorthodox Legilimency I'd used on him on the night I'd informed him of what was going on with Malfoy and I didn't know what else to do.

"I'm doing all I can, sir!" I said to him after he told me off for the umpteenth time for not straying from the beaten path. "I don't think I can do anything else, and I don't know what you want me to do!"

"I believe we've had this conversation once before, Black," said Snape. "Stop being cautious. You have mastered the basic techniques of Legilimency but you refuse to move on from them. You have abilities in this area that no normal wizard can possess without going mad. Use them."

"What abilities?"

Snape regarded me coldly. I had learned not to look away from him during these classes, as was my habit when I was confronted outside his office. He maintained that eye contact was important, though I didn't need eye contact, a wand, or any verbal spell to get inside his or anyone's mind.

Finally he said, "Have you been practicing outside of this class like I asked you to, Black?"

I fought the urge to look at my shoes, holding his gaze. "I've been practicing Occlumency, sir."

Snape made an angry noise somewhere between a hiss and a snarl. "I assumed that with your predicament you would be employing the use of Occlumency almost constantly against yourself. However, that is not what I asked you, Black. You have mastered Occlumency, but you remain behind where you should be in Legilimency. And you haven't practiced."

I didn't say anything. I felt afraid to move.

"Will you be able to come back tomorrow night, Black?" There was something I couldn't identify in Snape's eyes some strange emotion.

"For another class, Sir?"

"Not quite, Black," he said. He seemed to be choosing his words carefully. "I have, ah, another student. His situation is in some ways similar to your own. He is trying to learn Occlumency and failing superbly. Seeing as you are in need of someone to practice Legilimency on, I thought you might be able to help each other progress in your respective fields."

"There's someone else learning Occlumency, sir?" I said. "Not someone else with Subconscious Legilimency?" It was a stupid thought, but that had been the first thing that had come to my mind; that the other student might be in a similar position as I was.

"No, Black. The other student is Potter." He smirked at me. "And he obviously has no powers, mental or otherwise, outside the ordinary."

"But why is he in Occlumency, sir?"

"I am not at liberty to disclose that information to you, Black. At any rate, you and Potter should get on well together. I am hopeful that you can help Potter to advance to a skill level in Occlumency above that of a five year-old."

The next evening I was in Snape's office a full ten minutes before I needed to be having spent the day trying to be inconspicuous about watching Harry and vainly trying to figure out why he would need to learn Occlumency. But I couldn't think of a reason.

Harry came in a few minutes late looking as if he'd rather have been anywhere in the world but there in Snape's office. He scowled at Snape and then caught sight of me.

"Hi." I said. I was staring at my shoes. I could feel Snape glaring disapprovingly at me, but I kept my gaze down; maintaining my stance that old habits die hard (especially when you don't especially want them to die).

"Er, Hi, Tim," said Harry now obviously confused. "What are you doing here?"

I opened my mouth but Snape answered before I could. "Mr. Black is the other student I mentioned to you on Monday, Potter. He has been studying Occlumency and Legilimency with me all this year and, though he has made considerable progress, he, like you, is now ceasing to make an effort and therefore no longer improving. However, because he is a capable, if inexperienced, Legilimens the Headmaster and I decided that it could be beneficial for the two of you to practice together."

"Oh," said Harry. He turned to look at me curiously. "Why are you studying Legilimency?"

I shrugged. "Why are _you_ studying Occlumency?" I said.

He frowned at me for a second. I could see he was frustrated with me and confused about the whole thing. But I couldn't honestly tell him why I was studying Legilimency anymore than he could have explained his Occlumency lessons to me. We stood silently for a second; each regarding the other cautiously, curiously.

"Let's begin, shall we?" said Snape icily.

"Right." I said. "Um, sir, should I just—just go, or should I use an incantation or—"

"Well, tell me Black, when you find yourself in a real world situation that requires you to use Legilimency against someone do you think you will be required to use the incantation if you have no need for it? You do not need to tell Potter you are coming. That is unnecessary." He turned to Harry who was beginning to look nervous. "Black is not going to give you any count downs or warnings, Potter. He will attack you unexpectedly and you will attempt to drive him out. I suggest you try to clear your mind now. This will prepare you for the constant vigilance you will need to begin employing outside this classroom."

"Yes, sir," said Harry. There was a barely concealed edge of anger to his voice. The heated nature of his frustration was a stark contrast to the cold hatred in Snape's eyes and voice.

"Oh, and Black?" said Snape. He was clearly enjoying himself, watching Harry get worked up.

"Yes, sir?"

"You'd best be on your guard against Potter while you are penetrating his mind. He has been known to unknowingly produce hexes while he struggles. It is unlikely that he will be able to defeat you, but he may inadvertently cause you to break out in boils."

Harry shot Snape an incredibly dark look.

"Right." I said again. I was nervous. It didn't seem right to use Legilimency against Harry while he was obviously so angry with Snape and irritated at me. He wouldn't stand a chance. It occurred to me that the reason he wasn't making progress was probably because being around Snape put him on edge and he wasn't the type to let go of his emotions once they had gripped him like this.

I shifted awkwardly from foot to foot. I waited a few moments but Harry was obviously not clearing his mind. I decided to just get it over with. Not wanting to deprive Harry of one last chance to get ready I caught his eye and raised my eyebrows inquiringly.

_Are you ready?_

He gave me a slight shrug in reply.

I closed my eyes, concentrating. Snape had reprimanded me countless times for this habit because it made me more conspicuous but even he couldn't fail to admit I was a much better Legilimens when I was allowed to focus myself in this way.

I drew back the shroud of Occlumency that had been surrounding my mind. The whirl of thoughts wasn't as chaotic as I remembered it being. I could easily sort of which thoughts belonged to who. There was Harry, standing across from me. His mind was a presence I felt and heard rather than saw in the darkness behind my closed eyes. I reached out to it gently. As I did his thoughts became clearer, like a radio station being tuned in from static.

**Frustration. Fear. Anticipation. **_This is nothing at all like when Snape does it. Why on earth is Tim taking Legilimency anyways? Why hasn't he done anything yet? Is he waiting on me? _

I could hear all of Harry's thoughts now, even the ones that weren't about me. I was close to his mind but not inside yet. Thoughts are just the top layer of a mind. Thoughts and emotions, are the Here and Now of a mind. Underneath are the memories, and the feelings that accompany them. The first memories in a mind—the ones that normal Legilimency accesses—are the ones that are most relevant to the current situation of the wizard in question.

I pushed at the outside layer of Harry's mind, and then I was inside. He offered no resistance whatsoever. He didn't know I was there. I realized that all Harry had probably ever known of Legilimency was the flashes of memories that accompanied it. He couldn't feel the presence of the intruder brushing past layers of his thoughts and memories like I could. I felt guilty, and unfair. I had the obvious advantage of seeing things through the lens Subconscious Legilimency had become for me.

So, I touched a memory, one of the relevant ones near the surface. My intention was to put him on his guard.

_A large boy with blonde hair was laughing as a dark haired bespectacled child that must have been Harry ran as fast as his skinny legs could carry him from an enormous bull-dog...A larger boy was smiling maliciously holding the young Harry's arms behind his back while another boy punched at him and the blonde boy laughed again…The young Harry was sitting on a cot in a dark space that might have been a closet, he had his arms around his knees and he was snuffling as if recovering from recently being in tears…_

Something had moved. Sometime during the last two memories Harry had realized I was in.

**Embarrassment. Resentment. Desperation.** _Get out. Get out. Get out! Get out!_

There was a twinge of resistance in the mind now, as I went in a little deeper. Harry knew I was there but was doing nothing to get me out. I felt my own embarrassment along blossom along with his. I had no right to do this to him.

_Harry was looking at Sirius as they stood across from each other in a dusty room. Harry looked about thirteen. He was furious; ready to kill Sirius for something...Harry was underwater. He had a strange greenish aquatic quality to him and his hands and feet were webbed. He was looking for something…Harry was in a narrow alleyway with the large blonde boy from before. It was dark. A dementor's rasping breath broke through the eerie silence of the night…Harry was running across the grounds. Near the lake two animals were fighting. A large black dog that was Sirius and a werewolf that was Remus Lupin. Harry's heart beat a desperate rhythm of fear against his ribs…Harry was talking to Sirius in a cave. Sirius was dirty, thin and haggard looking, but he was happy Harry was there…Harry was in a dirty pub with a group of people. I saw Ron and Hermione as well as Ginny and Luna and Colin. _

I pulled back. I couldn't keep on with this. I left Harry's mind and brought back the shield of Occlumency that made me safe again. It just felt too wrong to go through Harry's memories like this. I wasn't scared so much of the intrusion I had made into his private mind, so much as I hated the fact that I knew beyond all doubt that he wouldn't be able to stop me. I opened my eyes.

Harry was on his knees and red in the face. He wore a pained expression.

"Black," said Snape sharply. "Would you care to relate to me the reasoning behind your leaving Potter's mind so suddenly? Have you perhaps forgotten the purpose of this exercise?"

"It's—Professor, it's not right. I can't do it."

"Black, you have heard me tell you during our Occlumency lessons that it is of the utmost importance to empty your mind of all emotion. It is the same for Legilimency. You must not let yourself be affected by what you see. Do not leave the mind you have entered because you feel sorry for them. That is weakness."

"Sir, I don't think it's—"

"Try it again, Black. And Potter, this time please make an effort to actually resist having your mind invaded by an outside presence."

"I _am_ making an effort!" said Harry, rising angrily to his feet.

"A feeble one at that," sneered Snape. "Black had no trouble at all getting past your so-called defenses. That means you are not trying hard enough."

"Professor, this isn't going to help either of us!" I said. "Harry's just starting to learn Occlumency and I've been doing Legilimency all my life. He can't even tell when I've entered his mind yet, sir."

"On the contrary, Black," said Snape. "I believe this can and will be very good for both of you. Potter needs to learn that not all of his adversaries will be as willing as you seem to be to take him on in a fair fight and you, Black, need to learn that sometimes you will not be given an opportunity to be fair to your adversary. Now, try it again."

About three-quarters of an hour later Harry and I left the class together. Both exhausted and embarrassed.

"I am sorry about that." I said watching the ground under my feet as we walked back to Gryffindor Tower.

"Don't worry about it." Harry said. There was a sort of edge to his voice like he wasn't sure if he meant it. "So, um, you know Occlumency."

I nodded. "Yea. I'd been trying to learn it for a year before I cam here."

"For your SCL?"

"Yea."

We walked in silence for a few moments and then Harry turned back to me and said, "So what am I doing wrong?"

"You mean in Occlumency?"

"Yeah. It's not helping me at all. I thought it was just Snape but—" He rubbed at his forehead where I knew the famous lightening bolt scar was hidden under his bangs. "I really need to learn to do it properly."

"You want me to help you?"

"Why not? You obviously know your stuff."

"Okay. But the way I do Occlumency and the way I do Legilimency—or any kind of mind magic like this I think—I do it differently from normal wizards. I might not be able to help you. I don't know."

"Look, I'm not asking for you to teach me to do it perfectly or even well. Just—I have to be able to do it. I feel like I'm going mad. Can you do that?"

I shrugged. "I'll try." I said. "I mean—no promises, okay?"

But I couldn't teach Harry Occlumency. We met three or four times over the next week, but it didn't work out. It was like when it came to mind magics we were doing two completely different things. Harry couldn't understand when I explained about how I found the presence of the intruder and forced them out and I didn't know how else to describe what I did. Finally he got frustrated with the whole thing and we gave it up as a hopeless case. Snape seemed to have come to this same conclusion sometime in that week because he didn't try to bring us together in his lessons anymore either.

The year dragged on inevitably towards the summer and then sometime in the beginning of April the DA was forced to disband because Umbridge found them out and Dumbledore had to leave the school. Umbridge became Headmistress.

A little before this happened Draco Malfoy approached me after class for what I assumed was going to be another one of those times when he had searched me out just to tell me something particularly unpleasant he had done or engineered or read in the papers. As always when I glanced over my shoulder and saw him resolutely making his way towards me with that smirk I hated on his face I made a vain attempt to lose him in the crowd of students. He caught up with me anyways. Somehow he always did.

I speculated that this was mostly because I was so short and he was so tall. Sometimes I wished for that growth spurt Leah had always used to say was coming soon, but I knew that it was silly to get my hopes up over that. Leah had been short and I seemed to have inherited this from her.

"Ah, Black," said Malfoy, regarding me condescendingly, "You really should learn to be more observant. I was trying to catch up to you for almost a minute. You almost made it to the Great Hall without my getting to talk to you."

"What a pity that would have been." I said flatly. I was carefully observing my shoelaces. They were grey and frayed.

"It would have been, you know." He said. "But be careful, Black, any more talk like that and I'll have to take points from Gryffindor for your cheek. And what a pity _that_ would be."

"Prefects can't take points for things like that, Malfoy." I said automatically. "You have no justification for doing that. I haven't done anything to you. Don't you have to keep a record of these things to keep the badge?"

"Look at me, Black." He said.

I looked. He had stopped moving and people were moving around us to get to lunch. There didn't seem to be anything different and I didn't know what he wanted me to see. Normal Malfoy, sleek blonde hair almost white, pale faced and smirking. His tie was crooked. A prefect's badge gleamed on his chest and right above it—"What's that?" I asked, pointing to the smaller silver badge in the shape of the letter I that he was also wearing.

The smirk grew wider still. "This? See, Black, this badge means I'm a member of the Inquisitorial Squad. Umbridge made it. And members of the Inquisitorial Squad don't need to file reports or anything like that. We can take points for whatever we want."

I bit my lip. I could have cared less about the Inquisitorial Squad. I just wanted to get away from Malfoy. "Your tie's crooked." I said quietly looking away from him.

"You don't get it." He scoffed. Out of the corner of my eye, staring back at my shoes, I saw him fix the tie. "I'm offering you another opportunity, Black," said Malfoy. "Umbridge said she'd like to have you on the Squad."

"No." I said. "Thanks, and all but I'm fine without having an excuse to take points unjustly from anyone anytime I want. Not really my thing."

"You're an idiot, Black," said Malfoy. "Umbridge is taking over the school. Dumbledore's as good as gone. This is just like when I came to talk you on the train, you're on the losing side and I'm offering you a chance to win for once. And you're not taking it."

"Look," I said. I looked up from my shoelaces to meet his eyes. "You may have roped me into becoming a Death Eater with you this summer. You trapped me so I had no other choice. That doesn't mean I'm on your side. That doesn't mean I'm going to be your friend. That doesn't mean I believe any of this crap about purebloods being superior. That means you and your father roped me into this thing. That's it. I don't want in with Umbridge. I want you to leave me alone."

For a second I thought Malfoy was going to hex me, his hand twitched to his side as if to draw his wand but then he thought better of it. "I warned you, Black." He said. "Fifty points from Gryffindor for disrespecting a Prefect. You're a moron not to recognize a good thing when it's offered to you." He turned to walk away and then turned back. "Let me know if you change your mind about this, too." He said smirking.

I had been nervous that I would have to spend the Easter Holidays with the Malfoys, but apparently Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy had decided that the experience of the weeks I spent with them in December would be enough to fill me with dread of the summer to come for the rest of the year. I gratefully spent the Easter Holidays at school.

After the break, the countdown of days left before Exams and OWLS began.

Four weeks left and Colin, Ginny, Kirke, Sage, Luna and I went to the library to work on study guides but spent more time talking than actually working. Sage got annoyed with us and left to find another table. This is the week Ginny's two brother's Fred and George left the school in a miraculous escape on broomback. Ginny and Kirke tried to use this as an excuse to argue the merits of brooms with me. I remained firmly convinced that as long as I lived I would never like flying.

Three weeks and Sage had completed every study device we had received from our teachers as well as several he had made up himself. Two weeks and Ginny and Kirke couldn't find time to study because they were being called to Quidditch practices as often as they could manage to get ready for the final against Ravenclaw that Saturday. Luna and I took the time to meet in the library and actually work. She confided in me that though she was rooting for Ravenclaw in the final she wouldn't mind if Gryffindor won. I told her that I wouldn't care either way except that Ginny and Kirke would be absolutely miserable to be around if we lost.

With one week left we began reviewing in class for exams and OWLS. Sage kept up his normal diligent studying habits. We crammed like crazy and never let on that we suspected he might have been onto something starting to study three weeks ago. We didn't intend to change our habits for next year anyways, so it didn't matter.

The first week of exams passed in a blur of anxiety, and late nights. Every test we finished was a huge relief. I had only one OWL that week—Transfiguration—and two the week after.

The second week of exams was absolutely miserable for all of us. And not just because of the exams. Late at night on the Wednesday of that week Umbridge tried to sack Hagrid, the Care of Magical Creatures teacher, having already unsuccessfully tried to fire another teacher earlier in the year only to be foiled by Dumbledore. Hagrid fled the grounds though and in the scuffle that preceded this Professor McGonagall was hit by three Stun spells simultaneously and had to be sent to St. Mungo's. This occurrence confirmed the feeling we'd all been holding back since Dumbledore had left months before. Hogwarts was falling apart.

Then, early on Friday morning I was called to Dumbledore's office. This in itself was unusual because the office had been sealed ever since Umbridge began her term as Headmistress. Still I came, if somewhat apprehensively, past the gargoyle and up the spiraling staircase. And there was Dumbledore, seated behind the desk as if he had never left. I noticed that someone had smashed one of his tables and the fragile silver instruments that had been on it lay in pieces on the floor.

He regarded me grimly. My stomach twisted into a knot. Something was very wrong. Dumbledore was back but something was still very, very wrong.

"Please," said Dumbledore. "I will have to ask you to excuse the wreckage. There has been much grief and anger in this office today and some of it was taken out upon my table." He flicked his wand at the mess that covered the floor. The table and the shards of instrument reconstructed themselves.

"What's going on, sir?" I said.

"Sit down, please, Mr. Black. There is grim news which I am afraid I must share with you."

I sat. "What's happened?"

He sighed. "Of course you are not aware of the events which took place at the Ministry late last night and this morning. Allow me to explain. I shall try to make this as painless as possible.

And he explained. The night before Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Luna and Ginny had gone to the Department of Mysteries at the Ministry of Magic. Harry had been convinced that the Dark Lord was holding Sirius prisoner there, but it had been a trap. Death Eaters had been waiting for them there and it turned into a fight. As soon as they realized what had happened the Order had come to help them. And Sirius, of course, had heard too. And he wasn't about to just sit it out in Grimmauld Place; he wanted to be a part of the action.

The Order had won the fight, and several Death Eaters—including Lucius Malfoy—had been captured and taken to Azkaban. But Sirius hadn't made it out. Bellatrix Lestrange had been there. She had killed him.

My head was spinning. "Sirius." I breathed. It was almost a question. "He's not—He really—Oh, Merlin" It was over-whelming. It was like when Leah had been killed earlier that year and at the same time it was completely different. And I couldn't get my head around it. It was at once both a hole I felt in my chest and a great weight.

Dumbledore watched me silently for a few moments. "I would like to talk to you about this summer, Tim." He said finally. His voice was quiet, I felt his eyes on me but I couldn't meet his gaze.

"I can't do it." I said. My voice was shaking. "That woman who—Bellatrix Lestrange—she got away—she'll be there this summer, won't she?"

"She will," said Dumbledore ever calm in face of my dilemma. "Lucius Malfoy, however, will probably not be. Though of course Lord Voldemort will be perfectly capable of breaking him out of Azkaban."

I shivered. "What does that mean, that he won't be there?"

"I assume—and we can only deal on assumptions as yet—that it will mean young Draco Malfoy will be given a hard time this summer for the sake of his father. As will you. I have one reliable spy working with the Death Eaters and this is Professor Snape. You may report whatever you find over the summer and the upcoming year to him, but you must be discreet. Also, I suspect that when the time comes we may be able to turn Draco away from the path he has been set upon by his parents."

"He seemed pretty set on becoming a Death Eater to me." I murmured.

"He is young and still very impressionable. He knows only what he has been taught. You may be a good influence on him."

I didn't say anything. I didn't believe I could hold any influence on Malfoy, good or otherwise but I didn't want to tell that to Dumbledore. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to think. I felt very alone. I hadn't even known Sirius very well, but he had been my father. He had been the person who was keeping me from really being with the Malfoys, having them be my closest living relatives.

Luna and I talked about it later. Ron and Hermione were in the Hospital wing, having been injured at the Ministry, but she had gotten out with no lasting damage done. Something about the open sincerity of her speech made me feel a little better.

"You know Daddy and I are going to go looking for Crumple Horned Snorkacks," she said. "The whole thing will be chronicled in the Quibbler over the summer. Daddy thinks the public will be very interested. Our circulation has been doing very well lately."

I didn't mention that this might have had something to do with the interview with Harry Potter they'd published in the Quibbler in March. "So, where exactly do Crumple Horned Snorkacks live?" I said.

"We're going to Sweden," said Luna. "But they've been sighted all over the magical world."

"You'll keep me posted, right? I mean—well I still have the subscription to the Quibbler you gave me for Christmas, but—you'll write, won't you? I'll try and write to you."

"Of course." She said and then added thoughtfully, "No one's asked me to write to them before. Not all summer."

"No one's ever asked me to write to them, either." I said. "I mean—well, Leah did usually when I went to school, but—no one else has. Not a friend."

Luna beamed at me. "We are friends, aren't we? You should join the DA next year. It was really fun this year."

Next year. If I lived that long. I tried not to think about it."I'll talk to Harry about it after break." I said.

"I'm going to miss you over the summer, Tim."

"I'll miss you too, Luna. I mean—no one to talk to about Nargles and Ministry Conspiracies with—I'll get really bored without seeing you everyday."

She smiled and for a second I thought she was going to hug me, but the moment passed. "Tim," she said finally "You haven't seen any of my possessions floating around here by any chance have you? Only they've all been taken and I really should like them back before we have to leave."

_**--End Part One--**_

**A/N: This is the end of part one….Part Two will be over the summer but that will only be two or three chapters at most and then the part that runs parallel to the sixth book begins. So…..this is about the half-way point I believe. Thanks to everyone who stuck by me thus far. I hope you'll be patient enough to wait for me to get to the end before leaving me**

**--Orii**

**(Oh, and please review if it's not too much trouble. Especially seeing as this is a significant point in the story I'm really eager to know what people think of it and all. Thanks)**


	14. Sins of the Father

**Shades of Grey**

**By: Orii15**

**Disclaimer: No, I don't own Harry Potter. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing FANfiction, now would I?**

**A/N: I do apologize for the wait. School has started and I am officially stressed out…..but I'm not stopping writing. Expect another update within the fortnight. This is the part of the story I've been wanting to write since the beginning.**

**--Orii**

A hard shove, a cold laugh, a sharp pain, before I even lifted my head from the floor to look I could tell who my assailant was. As usual the prospect of someone tormenting Tim Black had drawn a small crowd, it was more interesting than going to class and usually the ending was quite funny. I was a spectacle. And I was dreaming again. The familiar scene from Flinn's was playing out again.

Again I was barely fourteen, surrounded by Murphy and the other students who had made it their job to torture me at Flinn's. Here in this dream, it didn't matter what I knew about Occlumency. The terrifying buzz of myriad thoughts was back inside my mind. The scene was the same, but different. I could see Draco Malfoy's pointed features somewhere in the crowd. I knew somehow, the way you just know things in dreams, that there were other Hogwarts students here too. Watching me get pushed around and laughing.

The toe of someone's shoe jabbed at my ribs.

"Leave me alone." I said. I hadn't meant for my voice to come out sounding so scared and small but it had.

**Disdain. Pride. Pleasure. **_' "Leave me alone?" That's all he says? Merlin, he's pathetic.'_ "Why don't you make me, Black. What're you gonna do? Ask your father to finish me off in the night? Or maybe you'll do it yourself, since you're a Death Eater now too."

"Shut up." I said. I scrambled to my feet. The eyes of the assembled crowd watched me.

It wouldn't end the same this time. I couldn't be expelled again. Some part of me knew the thoughts were irrational; after all I was already expelled. I'd spent a whole year at a different school, but it didn't matter. In a dream the now is all that counts. So, I couldn't be expelled again. That's all I knew.

**Conceit. Satisfaction. **"What's the matter, Black? Can't handle the truth?"

**Scorn. Smugness. Delight. **"We all know you're really a Death Eater, Black."

"You don't know half as much as you think." I tried to say. Somehow it wouldn't come out right. I tried to push my way out of the crowd. They resisted. Hands pushed me back towards the center of the crowd.

**Conceit. Scorn. Delight.** "Where you going Black?"

"Where does it look like I'm going?" Again the words wouldn't come. I could think them but couldn't make them come out of my mouth.

"Probably to owl his dad."

"Yea, they mean to kill us together. That's what passes for quality family time in the House of Black."

Another push.

**Contempt.** "Don't just stand there, Black. Why don't you show us some of those Death Eater curses your father uses?"

I wondered briefly why these people didn't know Sirius was dead. It had been in the papers. But the thought died away. It was swallowed up by the voices buzzing around from the other people gathered around me. I could feel them pressing inward. It was terrifying. I had forgotten. Merlin, I had forgotten how much I hated hearing them. All those thoughts, all the white noise and nothing coherent in any of it; it was all jumbling together, pushing against my own thoughts. Making it impossible to concentrate. I remembered why I'd been expelled the first time.

I tried again to leave the circle that surrounded me. Again they shoved me back. But I had to leave. I had to get away. Had to go somewhere safe.

'_Idiot. He's outnumbered.'_ **Pride at successful manipulation. Fear. **"Look out guys, Black's gonna kill us all."

"He's gonna blow you to bits."

"You're not mad at us, are you Black?"

I drew my wand. It was a provoked attack. But Professor Barrister would expel me anyways. Why was it still the same? Why couldn't I change this? This one dream. It had changed. But I couldn't. I was trapped as ever. In this one event. In all that happened because of it.

**Arrogance.** "Well, Black, you gonna hex us or not?" said Murphy.

"If you think I'm not now I've drawn my wand you're more of an idiot than I thought." That was what I meant to say. Instead I said again, "Leave me alone." And it was that same frightened voice I hadn't meant to use.

"You're not scared, are you Black? You're the one with a wand, if you want us to leave you alone you can come and make us."

I wanted to say something. To do something. My body wouldn't cooperate. My brain was full of thoughts that were not my own. I felt the strange sensation of drowning in my own mind. There was no room for my own thoughts. Only Fear. Blind Panic. I didn't want to try shoving my way out of the crowd again. I knew what would happen.

My feet moved forwards of their own accord. My arms pushed out at the circle of without my consent. A hand—Murphy's hand—tried to push me back again. I felt my fist collide with his jaw. My foot kicking at someone. Another punch. People were moving out of the way now. Another arm in my path. Trying to hold me back. I bit it. It withdrew.

**Fear. Regret.**_ 'Black's finally snapped.' _

**Astonishment**. '_Holy Hippogriff, he's lost his marbles'!_

**Pain. Anger. Panic. **_'He hit me! He freaking hit me! I'm telling a teacher.' _

It had happened again. I was expelled. I was expelled again.

"Black!"

A hand was shaking my shoulder.

"Leave me alone." I said. The words came this time. Softly, muffled by something. An Arm?

"Black!"

"Just go away, I'm already expelled again. You can stop bothering me now." Much too soft to be an arm.

"What are you talking about? For Merlin's sake, Black, wake up!"

"What?" I had a mouthful of pillow. I spat it out, rolled over, sat up. Malfoy was glaring at me.

"Did you know you talk in your sleep?"

"Yea. Yea, so I've been told."

We'd been at the Death Eater Headquarters for nearly two weeks. A portkey had been delivered to the Malfoy Manor in the middle of the first week of summer to take us here. The Headquarters were in an old abandoned castle. I wasn't sure where we were exactly geographically. I guessed Albania, but having never seen Albania or heard of it outside of the context of it's being a place where the Dark Lord might make his headquarters, I didn't know any way to verify that guess.

"You never bloody shut up." Malfoy was saying. "All night. And then you wouldn't wake up. I was going to hex you if you went on much longer."

"Sorry." I said. "I don't usually talk in my sleep. It just happens sometimes."

"Only when you're missing Gryffindor dorm and your mummy and daddy?" Said Malfoy nastily.

The room that served as a makeshift dorm for me and Malfoy and the other young Death-Eater hopefuls did leave something to be desired. It was drafty and could get cold at night and the beds were more like cots.

I swung my legs over the side of the mattress and stood up. It was a shorter distance to the floor than I was used to and the cold stone was a shock as always.

"Like you're in any position to talk about stuff like that." I said. "Don't mention my parents and I won't start on yours. How's that sound to you?"

Malfoy scoffed at me. "Do you think I honestly care about what you have to say ab—"

I held up a hand. "Not a word, alright? I've already heard it all anyways."

"You _think_ you've heard it all."

I shrugged. "That's generally what happens after people find out your dad was accused of murdering thirteen people and being in league with the Dark Lord, and that he escaped from the most notorious wizard prison and then that after that he slipped right out of the Ministry's hands just when they thought they had him. Not to mention all the rubbish the Daily Prophet printed about him."

"Yea, that's your father—you forgot he was a blood-traitor who disgraced the family name—but what if I started on your mum? I bet you haven't heard it all about that." He looked smug.

I picked up my wand. "Look, keep my mother out of this. There's no one here to give me a detention if I curse you into next week. They'd probably tell me good job and why can't I do Cruciatus like that all the time."

"They wouldn't tell you good job."

"Well, no probably not."

We'd been at the Headquarters for almost a fortnight, training to become Death Eaters. Those meant learning Dark Spells and the Unforgivable Curses, and getting lectured about how disgusting mudbloods were and how muggles were scum of the earth and repeat that back to us. With feeling this time.

To my great displeasure I found I could perform most of the magic we learned very well when we were practicing on inanimate objects. I was especially good at the Imperius Curse because of the Mind Magic involved in it, but I had not yet managed to produce a decent Cruciatus curse. Alecto Carrow, the sallow faced Death Eater who was serving as teacher to the New Death Eater hopefuls was quickly becoming thoroughly annoyed with my inaptitude for the torture spell.

"You have to mean it!" she kept telling me, growing more and more irritated with me with each pathetic try I gave at the spell.

"I'm trying to!" I insisted. "It just isn't working! I can't—"

"Don't give me that crap, you little Gryffindor," she snarled, "I saw you do the Imperius Curse the other day. There's no way you can throw an Imperius like that and not be able to manage a decent Cruciatus if you wanted to. You just aren't trying!"

"I _am_ trying! I just can't get it to work properly." I said, taking an involuntary step back as Carrow tried to close the distance between us, her wand hand twitching by her side, waiting for some excuse, any excuse to draw the weapon. "A-anyways," I continued a little shakily, "Who said that just because I can throw one Unforgivable reasonably well I could automatically do all the others?"

The wand was out, pointed at me. "I say." She took another step forwards, I stepped back again. I didn't have far to go before my back was against the wall. I was trapped. "I think maybe you just lack the motivation to perform a curse like Cruciatus, a little Gryff brat like you, you don't know what it means to be a Death Eater. You're here because of who your father was, and because you're supposed to be strong at mind magic. Personally, I don't know what the Dark Lord sees in you."

I drew my own wand; she eyed me with an amused expression on her face. Carrow stepped forward again, I stepped back and hit the wall. I had nowhere to go.

"Time for a lesson." She said, grinning maliciously. "I'm going to show you a proper Cruciatus Curse. Watch, and learn, Black. _Cru—_"

"Excuse me for interrupting what I'm sure would have been a very well performed Cruciatus curse, Alecto, but the Dark Lord has put me in charge of the boy's well-being and due to the fact that he wants Black sane I'm afraid I'll have to intervene." Snape's voice came from the doorway. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.

Carrow didn't seem as pleased to see the Potions Master as I was. "One Cruciatus won't kill him." She growled. Her wand hand had gone rigid, not moving from its position with the tip pointed right at my chest.

"No, but with a mind like Black's the line between sanity and madness has always been rather uncertain. Might I repeat that the Dark Lord wants him sane."

Alecto let out a low angry sound like a hiss. "He's holding back on purpose. He won't perform the Cruciatus. He's got one of the strongest Imperiuses I've ever seen and he says he can't do a Cruciatus. I thought maybe a little persuasion," she finger her wand pointedly, "Might do the trick."

"The Dark Lord realizes that the boy might need to be, ah, _broken_. He's asked Bellatrix to do it."

"Bella—Bellatrix! As if she'll be able to break him without using the Cruciatus!"

"Bellatrix knows her boundaries. Remember she's also the one who killed his father that gives her some influence over him beyond what mere spells can do. She knows what she's doing."

Carrow made a grumbling noise in the back of her throat but reluctantly moved aside to let Snape through. He grabbed my wrist, and pulled me from the room none too gently. Any relief I had felt from his sudden appearance had long gone at the mention of Bellatrix Lestrange. We went along through several hallways before he stopped just in the middle of a deserted corridor.

"Tell me, Black, why are you here?" he hissed.

"What?" I said. I wasn't sure what he wanted me to say in response to that while we were standing in the middle of Death Eater Headquarters. Surely he didn't want me to blurt out that I was supposed to be a spy? "Sir, I can't—"

"You are here," said Snape, ignoring my incoherencies. "To become a Death Eater. You are here to learn the necessary spells and to practice performing the curses. All morals have been set aside now, Black. To allow Gryffindor arrogance to hold you back from doing what you are here to do is simply idiotic. Do you understand?"

I would have protested but I couldn't think of anything to say when he was so angry with me, staring me straight in the eyes like that. I nodded.

"There is a reason you are here, Black" Snape continued. "There are wizards both higher ranking and more powerful than yourself watching you very carefully. You are not here to judge the morality of any act you are asked to commit while in the service of the Dark Lord. You are here to do the job you have been given and that is it. If you cannot bear to trust other wizards to keep things under control, than you may as well quit now. Is that clear?"

I nodded. Stop whining and learn to blend into the crowd of Death Eater hopefuls, Dumbledore would work out the details later. I didn't like it, but Snape was my only link to the Order I had while I was here and it seemed wiser to do what he said.

Without another word, Snape led me on through the corridors. We were going the wrong direction to be returning to the room serving as a classroom to the new Death Eaters. I was going to ask where we were going but the answer was there before I had so much as opened my mouth. Bellatrix Lestrange.

She looked like her picture in the Daily Prophet from the dark tangled hair to the heavy-lidded eyes to the wide, sinister grin that spread across her face at the sight of me.

"You brought him Severus!" She said delightedly. Wild—mad—eyes looked me up and down. "Ah, but he does rather resemble my dear cousin, doesn't he? How charming! There are spells I never got to try on Sirius that I so wanted to. Now I suppose he'll have to do," she tilted her head to the side slightly, eyes never leaving my face. "Yes, he looks enough like him."

"Remember the Dark Lord would prefer Black to remain sane, Bellatrix. I believe other than that he has given you free rein, so long as you don't kill him."

"I know well what the Dark Lord wants me to do, Severus." She snapped. "Do you think me incompetent enough to forget orders he gave me this morning before the afternoon is done?"

"I am merely stating facts, Bellatrix. The Dark Lord has put me in charge of the boy for the time being. I am therefore, I believe, entitled to ensure his sanity will remain more or less intact before I leave him with you."

Her eyes narrowed. "What do you mean by that, Snape? The Dark Lord trusts me to break the boy, I don't take orders from you."

"I mean he's no use to us if he goes mad. So if you can manage it Bellatrix, everyone would rather you had the self-control to not make a tradition of killing of Blacks. Not that I don't commend you for killing his father, by the way."

I frowned and stared at the ground. Snape and Bellatrix were acting as if I couldn't hear their conversation. I wished I couldn't; I didn't like what I was hearing. It disturbed me to see how smoothly Snape went from reminding me of my role as a spy for the Order to congratulating Bellatrix for killing my father. I didn't particularly enjoy the bits about how Bellatrix was supposed to "break" me either.

All in all it was a very undesirable conversation to be over-hearing. It was the kind of conversation that makes you want to turn tail and head for the hills. But of course if I had tried to run away I wouldn't have gotten very far. I was, after all, within the Headquarters of the Dark Lord. Effectively imprisoned for the time being. Trapped. I hated that thought. But I'd basically been stuck from the beginning; I hadn't had a hope after the Malfoys had been granted custody. Knowing that didn't make it any better.

Finally Bellatrix turned her gaze back to me. "Right, boy. Now that Severus is finished pretending he's your mother," She shot a glare at the retreating Potion Master's back. If he'd heard her he didn't respond. "We can begin." She drew her wand. I took a step back, fumbling for mine. "I am going to teach you what happens to those who resist the will of the Dark Lord. I trust this at least will be a lesson that you will not forget anytime in the near future."

And so it went. The others were already in the dorm when I arrived later that night. I felt their eyes on me when they thought I wasn't looking. I ignored them. I was too tired to care.

"You've really got to mean it," said Nott. He was one of the other Death Eater hopefuls, in Malfoy's year at Hogwarts and in Slytherin naturally.

I looked around the room before I answered, not sure whether or not he was talking to me. "Beg pardon?" I said. And then I thought it probably wasn't a good idea to be so polite in a Death Eater Camp.

"The Cruciatus," said Nott not reacting one way or another to my confused response. His face was blank as a slate. "You have to mean it. It helps to think of someone you hate while you cast it."

"Oh." I said. I wasn't sure what else to say. I didn't know Nott at all and as such I had no idea why he was trying to help me.

"They're beating up on you 'cause you're a Gryffindor," said Nott.

"I know." I said and then I said, "Why are you telling me all this? I mean, not that I mean to be rude but—"

Nott shrugged. "We're all in the same boat here, I think." He said evenly. "We've got something to live up to—Me, Malfoy, Montague and Idris do." he motioned to each of the other boys in the dorm in turn as he spoke their names. Malfoy and Montague seemed to be listening to Nott's little impromptu speech. Idris was sitting on the bed closest to the far wall of the room, staring fixedly at the ceiling and talking to himself. I'd over-heard Montague tell Malfoy that Idris had escaped from the Spell Damage Ward in St. Mungo's, but the Dark Lord kept him around because the boy's derangement amused him.

Nott didn't seem at all perturbed by the other's interest or lack thereof in what he was saying. He continued, "We have fathers who were doing this kind of thing in the last war. My father and Montague Sr. are still here and Lucius Malfoy will be here soon if all goes well. And Idris's father—well, he says his father's a Death Eater anyways, but who knows if that's true or not. And you—you're a Gryffindor but you're pureblood, and your lineage isn't that bad if you don't count your parents. I think the thing that counts is that you're here now. It's not your fault you grew up with blood-traitors for parents. Why should the sons suffer for the sins of the fathers and all that, am I right? So I don't think they should have let Bellatrix Lestrange torture you."

I didn't know whether to thank him or hex him. In a way I knew he was being kind to me—as kind as a Slytherin could be without injuring himself—but I also resented the fact that the kindness had come to me purely on the basis of blood status. I didn't say anything for a second, opting instead to stare at my feet.

"Honestly," said Malfoy "did you think he was going to thank you for that, Nott? Black hates being here. He doesn't even believe in pure blood."

"What d'you mean he doesn't believe in pure blood?" scoffed Montague. "That's stupid."

"He said it over the Winter Holidays at my house," said Malfoy. "He thinks blood status is a delusion pure bloods made up to feel powerful."

"Blood-traitor," said Montague. It was more of a snarl.

"It doesn't matter." Said Nott.

"What do you mean?" thundered Montague. "He's blood traitor! He shouldn't even be here! He's a bloody, sniveling, Gryffindor slime-bag."

"Probably," agreed Nott. "But he _is_ here. That means the Dark Lord has some use in him. Anyways, even a Gryffindor wouldn't stay a blood traitor for long after being through what he's been through."

Montague muttered something that sounded like "Yea, but who trusts a Gryffindor?" but if he had wanted to say anything out loud the chance was lost because Idris, who didn't seem to be aware of what was going on around him in the slightest, stood up on his cot, causing the rickety frame to groan and complain, and shouted "Goats? For _Merlin's_ sake! GOATS! I'll _kill_ you all!"

Montague frowned into the boy's dark glare with a look of amusement mixed with genuine confusion and pity. "Mad as a hatter that one," he stage whispered to Malfoy, Nott and me hand cupped around his mouth. "He's only here 'cause the Dark Lord thinks he's a laugh. Don't know why they roomed him with us."

Idris stared angrily at us all for another moment and then sat back down on the cot and went right back to his conversation with the ceiling without skipping a beat.

"Must feel good Black," said Malfoy

"What?"

"Knowing you're at least more sane than one person in this room. Not by much."

"Hearing voices does not a schizophrenic make." I said. Malfoy laughed. At me, not with me. Nott frowned at me, like he couldn't quite figure me out. Montague kept frowning at Idris's back, as if waiting for the boy to jump up again and make another outburst.

**A/N: Yay! Um, just for clarification—Nott and Montague are canon. They are both mentioned in book 6 as other young Death Eaters. Idris is…..call him a private joke. He's not canon. **

**One more chapter of Summer and then we're into Tim's 5****th**** year, 6****th**** book of canon. **

**Also, I have a challenge. You may have noticed my changing the summary for this more often than my underwear over the last few weeks (sort of…). I have trouble writing a good summary with a 250 character limit. If anyone wants to give it a go I would love you forever and ever and ever and give you a cookie and a Tim plush toy. (If you want it…..) Just send it to me in a PM or a review. Which ever is more convenient pour vous. **

**Thanks so much.**

**Please review.**

**--Orii**


	15. Missions and Controversies

**Shades of Grey**

**By: Orii15**

**Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own Harry Potter. Sorry. **

**A/N: Okay, so not a fortnight…sorry about that. I blame school again. Plus I had writer's block so….**

**Enjoy. Please don't forget to review.**

**--Orii**

It was strange being at the Death Eater Headquarters. I was used to being stared at, that was just what happened when your father had been a convicted murderer, but not to the sheer malevolence I met in some of the glares I received here. It made me think over and over again about what I was doing. Snape's words from the day he brought me to see Bellatrix swam around in my mind at times like those.

_'All morals have been set aside now, Black. To allow Gryffindor arrogance to hold you back from doing what you are here to do is simply idiotic'_

_'There are wizards both higher ranking and more powerful than yourself watching you very carefully. You are not here to judge the morality of any act you are asked to commit while in the service of the Dark Lord. You are here to do the job you have been given and that is it. If you cannot bear to trust other wizards to keep things under control, than you may as well quit now.'_

Words I didn't like but that I had to keep repeating to myself to get through the long days. My mantra became _'Don't think about it, it's wrong, but don't think about it. Just do it. _Just do it_.'_ I became better at doing deplorable things and the other Death Eater hopefuls stopped thinking of me as a Gryffindor or a Blood Traitor. That is not to say that they accepted me with open arms after I managed to produce that first real Cruciatus curse because if anything Montague's mistrust of me grew after he knew I could produce the Unforgivable and Malfoy had stopped talking to me altogether except for the occasional snide comment.

He had been called away from the rest of us in class a few days after the conversation in the dorms for what was simply described as "urgent business" and had since been quieter but somehow smug. He refused to tell us anything of what his being called away had meant, smirking and saying it was "need-to-know" information. Nott was convinced he had been given a mission.

"It just makes sense." He'd said when Montague had questioned the logic of this conclusion. "His father's in trouble with the Dark Lord."

"Yea," I said "But then wouldn't it make sense for him to _not _be given a mission?"

Nott shook his head. "That's not how it works. Draco hasn't been given the mission as a reward. This is meant to punish his father. The way I see it, Draco's probably not meant to succeed in his mission. He'll die in service to the Dark Lord. Ironic, is it not?"

"That's horrible." I said. "Why wouldn't they just kill him if they wanted to settle something with his father? For that matter, why drag him in at all?"

"You don't know a thing about Pureblood society," said Nott. "That's not how it works. A first-born son is the most important part of a family, because he's the heir. He gets the name and also the reputation and everything the family owns when the father dies. So it's the worst thing a person can do to kill the first son, the heir. After that the family can't continue, and the name dies, and for a name like Malfoy that's been around for centuries, that's a big deal. And that's also why the Dark Lord wouldn't just kill Draco. He's dragging it out."

I didn't know what to say. I hated Malfoy and his father but I couldn't see the justice in damning the son for the sins of the father. But maybe that was the point. It wasn't fair.

"You really are still sort of a Gryffindor." Said Nott.

"Beg pardon?" I wasn't sure if he meant it as an insult or not. Nott was like that, stoic to the point of causing everyone around him to become frustrated.

"I mean—it's the way you think about things. Not like a Slytherin would. You hate Malfoy. I've seen that ever since we arrived here and it's obvious the feeling's mutual, but then you hear about this business of his mission and you feel sorry for him. The guy you hate. That's what I mean. You're becoming a Death Eater on the outside and then you still fall back on this old Gryff stuff all the time. That's why Montague hates you. He thinks you're untrustworthy."

"Don't _you_ think it's unfair for him to be punished for something that's not his fault? Didn't you say the other night about why should the son suffer for the sins of the father? I don't hate Malfoy any less, I just—I don't think he deserves what you think he's getting. And I can't help how I think."

"Of course I think it's unfair," said Nott. "I don't want to have to take on something like this if my dad screws up. But that's the way the Dark Lord runs things. So what can you do about it? That's just how things work here. And I know you probably think it's stupid and evil and wrong, and no one is going to tell you it's not, but there are loads of things in life that aren't fair. It's horrible and all that but we can't stop it from happening. We just deal with it. If you want to go tell the Dark Lord you don't like the way he runs things—well it's your neck, all right? I'm not about to stop you."

I couldn't think of anything to say in response to that. I didn't agree with Nott, but I also didn't like arguing with him. Of all the Death Eater hopefuls he was definitely the cleverest and also the most willing to explain things to me. It wasn't kindness, not in the way you'd expect. No matter how you looked at it, Nott was a Slytherin who aspired to be a Death Eater. He was just slightly more decent than the rest of them. He believed that I couldn't help but someday convert to his point of view, the "right" way of seeing things, on merit of my pure blood.

Nott sighed. "Look, I didn't mean offend you or anything. I'm just being honest, all right? I do stand by what I said the other night. I think you could be a really good—a really strong, powerful Death Eater if you wanted to. You've just got the wrong kind of mindset for that kind of thing at the moment. But someday you'll realize that life isn't all about being noble and compassionate, that sometimes those things can make you weaker. I'll be there when it happens, I'm planning on being there, and then I'll teach you what it really means to be in the service of the Dark Lord."

"Thanks for that." I said. It came out a little colder than I'd meant it to. "I don't think it'll happen anytime soon, but I'll keep it in mind."

Nott grinned. "You'd be surprised, trust me. Anyways, you never know, do you?"

"No," I said. "I guess not."

Professor Snape had continued my Legilimency lessons from school that summer, though by now I had become extremely deft at breaking through mental barriers and holding up my own. He kept on pressing me all the same, to go beyond normal boundaries. He asked me to try to make him see a specific image or to take an idea and put it into his mind. It was strange at first, and I was clumsy at it, which meant that Snape had to be meticulous as ever with his pensive to be sure I only saw things I wanted to see. But once I found the way to do it, to bring an idea or an image into a mind and plant it there, and convince the mind it was its own, I started to become better at it. The technique was similar to that I'd used at the beginning of the school year to show Snape what had happened between Malfoy and me on the train.

I knew there was some ulterior motive behind the new turn in the lessons, I had learned in the past weeks not to take anything anyone told me or taught me to do at face value, but I was reluctant to find out the use the new skills would come to. I knew that was naïve of me, but I hated knowing that my Legilimency, a magic that was more a part of who I was than anything else ever had been, could so readily be put to a bad use. It seemed to reinforce what Nott had said, that I had the power to be a strong but was too much a Gryffindor to use it.

We had been at head quarters for three weeks. We were leaving in eight days, at the end of the month. I was both counting down the days in my head, and trying not to. I wanted to leave more than anything, but I couldn't, without first receiving a Dark Mark. After all, that had been the purpose of bringing us here.

I wasn't the only one who was apprehensive about it. Malfoy acted eager enough when Montague brought up the subject, though I could see he was scared. Nott was indifferent, saying only that the Dark Mark was the Death Eater's legacy. Montague for his part seemed to take it in stride, like Nott, but he treated Malfoy's attitude as childish. The Dark Mark wasn't cool or fun, it just was. You got it burned into your arm and then you put on the mask so people couldn't tell who you were and you went out and did despicable things behind its anonymity. Idris had overheard the conversation and drifted over to show us the mark already on his arm.

Malfoy had looked at him with a mixture of jealousy and surprise.

"He gave _you_ the mark, already?" He sneered. "I don't believe it, what is this? He probably doesn't even know what the Mark is."

I looked at the mark, frowning. There was something not quite right about it. "It's not real." I said.

"What?"

"Look at it, he's drawn it on. It's just ink." It was a brilliant fake, better workmanship than I would have expected Idris to be able to achieve. Still it was just ink, somehow he'd inscribed it onto his arm with a quill. I could see now the places where the sharp point of the pen had broken the skin, dyed black with the ink.

"That's disgusting," said Malfoy.

"Got the mark," said Idris. "I'll kill you all. Goats."

"Oh, shut up."

"Got the mark."

I felt sorry for him. There was a look on his face as he thrust his arm out for us to see. He wanted us to be impressed with him, to say, "Oh, he has the Mark. Let's include him." Only Malfoy and the others never would say that to Idris. Idris the lunatic who'd escaped the Spell Damage Ward of St. Mungo's. He was a pathetic figure, all bones and pale skin, like he didn't remember to eat as often as he should. His eyes were over large on his sharp, bony face, flicking back and forth between us to gage our reactions. His too long dark hair fell unkempt over his face; he didn't seem to notice or else didn't care.

"Can't someone make him go away?" said Montague. "Bloody idiot."

"You go away!" said Idris. "I'll kill you, Goat! Got the mark!"

"Look, you bloody twit—" Montague was reaching towards his wand. I stepped in front of him getting in between him and Idris.

"Don't." I said.

"Aw, afraid I'll hurt your friend, little Gryffindor?"

I fought the urge to turn to my shoes and stared Montague in the eye. "You think you have something to gain by hexing innocents here, Slytherin?" I did my best to spit the name of his house with as much contempt as he'd given mine.

"You saw everything I saw, Black. Goatboy here was asking for it. He wouldn't leave me alone."

"Don't be an idiot. He wasn't trying to bother you."

"So he can just draw marks on his arm and pretend he's one of us, and that's okay? Oh, but wait, I forgot, a Blood traitor like you wouldn't know the value of the Mark."

"I know what it means. I imagine that if Idris was in his right mind that would change everything."

"You don't get out by pleading insanity."

"Don't you? Would you turn your wand on a child if he did this?"

"If I was ordered to, I would."

I glanced around the room in an exaggerated motion. "Huh, that's funny, Monatgue." I said. "I don't see any superior here who could have given you the order. So, I wonder then, what made you think you had to draw your wand? Unless you're hearing orders I'm not, in which case there's more than one person here who's out of his mind."

"You think you can just mouth off to me and get away with it?"

"No, but I think you're a—"

"Stop it." Nott pushed me out from in between Montague and Idris. "We don't fight among ourselves here. Not over stupid little trivialities like this. Black, you don't have the right to judge what is right or wrong, especially not here, where we all know you're in over your head. Don't start things you can't finish. Montague, leave off Idris. Even if he knew what he was doing, it's not your job to enforce the rules. Idris, I'd like you to wash that drawing off your arm. You're going to be in trouble if someone sees it. Don't draw anything like that on your arm ever again, do you understand?"

He spoke the last part to Idris slowly, meeting the boy's eyes.

Idris nodded. "Soap." He supplied.

"I'd say so," said Nott. "Use as much soap as you need to get that off. Don't stop until it's all gone."

"The Mark?"

"Yes. Wash it off."

"Goats." Idris walked off towards the bathroom.

Montague let out a long low hiss. "Who died and made you God, Nott?"

"Actually, I decided to step in _before _a death took place. The Dark Lord won't appreciate unnecessary fighting among his followers."

Nott was about the same height as Montague, though the older boy had at least sixty pounds on him. Size wasn't a factor though, in that moment we all knew Nott was in charge. It struck me for the first time that calm, helpful Nott was probably more dangerous than large, angry Montague or careless, bullying Malfoy. He had an air of definite authority about him when he spoke, and people followed his orders. Nott was the kind of person who would be easy to follow. I decided to keep a closer watch on him after that.

In the last week before we left I was given a new worry to carry with me for the rest of the year. Just like Malfoy, I was given a mission. I should have suspected something of that sort would happen, that I couldn't be there for no reason at all, but I'd been hoping and hoping it wouldn't work out that way. I'd been stupid again, not seeing this coming. It wasn't like Malfoy's mission, a punishment in disguise, or maybe it was because it was exactly the worst thing they could ask of me.

"He wants you inside Hogwarts," said Snape. "Being friends with the Gryffindors, specifically the ones who were in the Department of Mysteries last year, Potter, the Weasleys, Grainger, Longbottom and Lovegood. I believe you're acquainted with all of them?"

I nodded not trusting myself to speak.

"He wants you to remain friends with them, to become closer, if possible. They're the ones who the others look to for strength now, in these troubled times. The Dark Lord would like you to make sure they don't."

"Don't support the other students?"

"Yes. His exact words were to 'plant seeds of doubt among them, subtly tear the foundations of trust out from under them and destroy them so quietly and systematically among their peers that when the last blow falls they will come crying to you.' Do you understand what he wants?"

"He's asking me to destroy them from the inside out?"

"To make sure that when the time comes for Hogwarts to rise up together against the Dark Lord that Gryffindor is too divided to stand. Of course the real question is not whether you know what he's asking you, but if you're capable of doing it."

The real question was whether I could survive as a double agent once I got back to Hogwarts and I had to do this to my friends.

**A/N: Yay! Done. The Death Eater part is over now, next chapter will be back within the range of what happens in the books.**

**Also, I have another question for you guys, I've been wanting to write a couple of one shots in this same universe from different perspectives. Especially Leah's—I want to do some about how she feels about SCL—and also from Sirius's perspective. Would they be read?! **

**Anyways, thanks for reading.**

**Please review. Don't read and run, mmkay?**

**Luffs you.**

**--Orii**


	16. Summer Epistolary

**Shades of Grey**

**By: Orii15**

**Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own Harry Potter. Sorry. **

**A/N: I'm sorry this chapter took so long. I had writer's block. Again. I'm so sorry.**

**I'll do better next time, I promise.**

**--Orii**

_Dear Tim,_

_I am writing to you from Sweden where Daddy and I have been searching for the rather elusive Crumple-horned Snorkack. We have yet to see one in full, but yesterday we caught a glimpse of one. She was very beautiful, but unfortunately her existence will continue to go unproved as she ran away before we got a full picture of her. Daddy thinks our log of the trip will become a very popular article in the Quibbler, and I think so too. Imagine if we do end up really seeing in full a Crumple-horned Snorkack. _

_I wrote to Ginny and sent her a copy of the picture, but she says it looked like a deer or maybe a dog. She was very kind about it. I am afraid she has been spending too much time with Hermione Granger. I like Hermione very much, except that she says things like the Quibbler and Crumple-horned Snorkacks are rubbish. I am glad that you and Ginny listen to me at least though, even if I know sometimes you don't believe everything. It makes me very happy to know I have friends to write letter to while I'm on holiday._

_Speaking of which, how has your summer been? I wish you had been able to come here, I know you would love seeing the forests. They are quite beautiful, and the unsolved mysteries of the Crumple-horned Snorkacks within them make them even more so. I think I might have read something to that effect in a poem once. We could have used another pair of eyes on our Snorkack Searching Expeditions, though. Right now it is just Daddy and me although we have asked a few of the local wizards and witches if they wanted to join. Most of them refused and gave us strange looks. _

_Have you been well, Tim? I know you've been with the Malfoys, which is unfortunate because Draco Malfoy can be horribly mean. I hope you've been doing all right regardless of the company you are keeping. Do be careful. _

_Love,_

_Luna_

_Dear Tim,_

_I am writing to you again, but you haven't answered my last letter yet. Perhaps it was delayed in the post? I had to rent the owl from the post service here and he was very old. I chose him because he had the loveliest golden eyes and I wanted you to see. I am thinking now that perhaps it was a mistake to choose him just for that. But perhaps he would have made it and he was intercepted. You know the ministry is interfering horribly with letters and the like now. Daddy says he heard they've set up a whole new department that checks letters for conspiratorial notions. Perhaps it was because of the pictures of the Crumple-horned Snorkack? People are determined to keep its existence secret. _

_I do not want to think that you have gotten my letter and have ignored it. I know you are not the kind of person who would do that. Perhaps you've been very busy and haven't had the time to answer? If so, I must apologize for writing yet another letter to you, because in that situation it wouldn't be the least bit helpful._

_I am worried about you. Are you all right? Have you been hurt? Please write back to me as soon as you can. Daddy says that you are probably fine, but I want you to write back and tell me. _

_Love,_

_Luna_

_Dear Tim,_

_It has only been three days since I sent you my last letter, but I am still worried. I picked the owl that brought you that one because he looked very sleek and fast, as if not even the ministry could stop him if he wanted to bring you the letter. _

_It was raining that day. I hope he didn't get turned around in the storm. I imagine him flying around and around, unsure of whom this letter is for or where to take it. I am afraid the ministry might have overtaken him after all or perhaps that a stray griffin made a meal of him. I do hope you get this letter. _

_The golden-eyed owl has returned to the post service now, but he came without a reply. His name is Archimedes, after the famous Greek. It suits him, as he does look so very old and wise. I hope you got to see him even if you didn't write back to me yet. He is most majestic. The other owl I sent you isn't back yet. If he doesn't come within the week we will have to pay to replace him. I want to see him back with your letter. _

_The owl I am sending this letter with is grey. Her name is Athene. This is a Greek name too; most of the owls here are named for famous ancients. It is curious for Swedish owls to have Grecian names. This one is fitting, though. I enjoy thinking that perhaps this owl I am sending to you was once the familiar of the goddess she is named for._

_This has made me think, are you familiar with Greek Mythology? I am. My mother used to tell me stories of the gods. I've been thinking about it here when it rains and the lightening flashes in jagged lines across dark clouds and the thunder sounds its divine cadence. It is beautiful. I wonder what it would feel like to throw the bolts, to be seated in the clouds and watch the show from above. It makes me want to take a broom and fly up to see for myself. _

_But that will make you worry about me. Don't please, I don't even own a broom. I just hope you aren't angry or annoyed with me. I know it's silly to keep writing to you. But you are one of the first people I ever thought would write back. I do not want to give up on you, Tim Black. Please be okay. Please write back soon. _

_Love,_

_Luna_

_Dear Luna,_

_I'm so sorry I didn't write. We went abroad unexpectedly for a few weeks. I suppose the owls came to Malfoy Manor and waited for me to show up. I'm sorry. I wish I could have seen them. _

_I'm sending this with an owl from the postal service here in England. His name is Hugo. I don't know why. I asked because I thought you'd want to know, but there were no birds here named for ancient deities. They all had common names like Eric and Angela. Apparently the Swedish are more creative with naming their post owls. _

_I'm as well as can be expected. I'm sorry I made you worry. I feel horrible about that. I never would have ignored you willfully. I think I'm the one who ought to be worried about you, don't fly into any storms please. Especially not on borrowed broomsticks. _

_--Tim_

_Dear Tim,_

_You wrote back! I am so glad you're safe. _

_Hugo is a beautiful owl. He is unusually large, I admit I was rather frightened when I first caught sight of him, but then I saw he had your letter and I overcame the fear and approached him. He is of a good temperament for such an intimidating bird, and very sweet. I am going to send this letter with Athene so you can see her._

_It is strange that the Malfoys would have taken you abroad without telling you that they had planned to leave. Where did you go? I imagine such a rich family must have connections all over Europe. Did you enjoy yourself despite he unpleasantness of the company? I hope you did. I wish there could have been some strange coincidence that would have led you to Sweden. I would have been very discreet about seeking you out since the Malfoys would not approve, and then perhaps you could have joined us on our last Crumple-horned Snorkack search. _

_It pains me to admit that tomorrow is our last day on holiday here in Sweden and then we will return to England. Do you think it would be possible for you to come and see me? We live near Ginny's house, outside of Ottery St. Catchpole. I will understand if you are unable to come, though. _

_Since it appears my previous letters were safe after all from ministry apprehension I am sending you more photographs of our time here in Sweden. The first one is of Daddy and me in our Snorkack Search gear. We dressed to blend in with our surroundings; the leaves and twigs in our hair are purposeful, though the ones we acquired afterwards in the next photo were by accident. The third photo is of the thunderstorm I wrote to you about. I never did manage to gather the courage to fly into it, so this picture is taken from my window in the hotel. Do you see the silhouettes of the trees lit on the horizon by the lightening? And the light glancing off the torrents of rain? I love this picture. _

_I am also sending you a copy of one of Daddy's sketches of a Crumple-horned Snorkack, because you asked me once what one looked like. This is an approximation of course, but you can see the shape of the snout and the horns. The females have different, shorter horns, and the young have none at all for the first ten years or so. _

_This is a very long letter. I apologize for my enthusiasm. I am just excited to know you will write back to me. _

_Love,_

_Luna_

_Dear Luna, _

_I don't mind long letters. I really liked reading it, actually. I feel useless shut up here in Malfoy Manor. It's very white and clean, as are the Malfoy's themselves. I have actually been doing homework and reading school books in some useless effort to retain my sanity here. I don't talk to Draco, and he only talks to me when he thinks up a new insult he wants to try out. Because of this, and I feel utterly pathetic to admit it, mind you, you are what you might call my sole form of human contact. I don't count the Malfoys because I don't think they count me. I have seen Professor Snape a few times, but our conversations were far from pleasant. _

_The trip abroad was planned; I just didn't think I would be attending it. I hope you don't mind if I omit the details of that particular piece of my holiday, as I'm still having nightmares about it. We weren't in Paris or anywhere like that, and certainly we weren't in Sweden. I would have thrown discreetness to the winds and run off to hunt Crumple-Horned Snorkacks with you for the rest of my life. _

_On that note, I don't know if I'll be able to visit or not. I've been operating under the general assumption that I am on a kind of unofficial house arrest. Or at least they got very upset when I left the manor the other day, and that was just to post a letter to you. I'm sending this one with Draco's owl. His name is Cygnus. That's the name of Draco's grandfather. That would have been my great-uncle, I think. Anyways, I'm sorry I couldn't send Hugo again. I hope Cygnus doesn't try to bite you like he did me. He has taken the Malfoy Legacy to heart apparently. Be careful. _

_Your photographs were beautiful. I keep looking at the one you took of the thunderstorm and thinking that I'm glad you didn't fly into it. I can understand why you wanted to, but with that much lightening a broom is the last place you want to be, especially flying through the clouds. If you weren't struck down by Zeus's divine providence, you'd probably catch pneumonia. _

_The Crumple-horned Snorkack sketches are interesting, by which I mean I wouldn't want to meet one of them in a dark alley. Are they carnivorous? They look it. It's probably a good thing I wasn't with you in Sweden after all because I'd have spent the whole Search hiding behind you. _

_School starts in a few weeks. Never have I been more grateful for that. I used to hate school because it was so crowded there, now I find myself looking forwards to it for the exact same reason. It's strange how Occlumency and one horrible summer can cause a person to undergo a complete paradigm shift. _

_Before you ask, I read that phrase in a textbook. I didn't realize I'd written it until my hand had formed the words. I think my brain is melting. Paradigm shift…_

_Slowly Going Insane,_

_Tim_

_Dear Tim, _

_We are back in England now. I read your letter in my own room and not in the hotel in Sweden. It is good to be back, but I do miss the view. I wish it would rain here so that I could see the way the lightening would illuminate the horizon here. I had never seen that before I went abroad and started noticing everything. I want to see it here now. It makes me a little sad to think that there were countless rainstorms before right outside my window and I didn't ever stop to look at the lightening on the horizon. The skies have been clear since I got back, I feel so silly hoping for dark clouds to form._

_You said you enjoyed my long letter, I am glad. I enjoyed yours, except that you sound absolutely miserable. I can't think how I should go about trying to cheer you up when I can't even see you. I wish I could talk to you in person because then I would see your face and know more about what I should say. But perhaps it is for the better to be there with you only in paper and ink, so that if I say the wrong thing you can rip up my words and throw them away. _

_That isn't very helpful though. I am not very practiced at comforting words, I am not even very practiced at friendships, I have very few of them. I think I will just tell you about my house and my family. I don't think you've ever met my father or seen my house, I will tell you about them. I hope this is the right kind of long letter that you will enjoy reading. _

_My mother died when I was nine. I miss her very much. Sometimes in the night I cry because it feels like a very heavy weight in my heart to have lost my mother. She was the one who taught me about the Greek myths, about fairy tales and the stories of Beedle the Bard. She loved me very much, and she and my father would often stay up very late into the night talking. I could hear them through the walls of my room and through the ceiling. I used to fall asleep to that murmur of conversation. One could say it was my first lullaby. It is what I think of when I stare at the ceiling of my room late at night now, when I hear the silence and the wind blowing around our house, the soft sounds of my father's footsteps and I miss her most then. _

_You must be wondering why I would bring up my dead mother when I am trying to cheer you up. It seems foolish, I admit. But also, it seems right. It seems right to tell you about her in this letter and to share with you the things she told me. That the dead are not lost to us forever. That life is in the little things you notice that make everything more beautiful. She taught me these things, and also to believe with all my heart in things that may or may not be true. That I can still do these things even when I feel like giving up is a tribute to the great influence my mother's wisdom has had on me. I'm telling you these facts because I would want to be told things like this were I in your place, alone and lonely. I hope you don't mind my saying them to you. _

_Now, I feel I should tell you about the rest of my family. We are small, only the three of us, and now just two because mother is gone. You know some things about my father, I think. He is the editor of the Quibbler, because of this he is always keeping his eyes open for peculiar stories he thinks people need to hear. He tells them the things they would not normally hear, whatever the public needs to know. He is also an inventor of sorts and is always working on new things to help Wizarding kind. He has taught me to keep an open mind about all things._

_Our house is like a tower. My parents had it built specially because Mum wanted circular rooms. Circles do feel much friendlier and more open than rooms with corners. I am writing to you now from my room. It smells in parts of paint from the mural I am working on, of the ink I am writing with and downstairs at Daddy's printing press, and of the parchment here on my desk. It is another bright day, with skies too blue to hide a promise of even a faint rain. _

_It is strange how time has passed so quickly. I've already gone to Diagon Alley to pick up my school supplies. I saw Colin Creevey there. We passed each other outside of Flourish and Blots. He didn't see me. I was looking for you or Ginny or Neville there. I didn't see you, though. Soon enough we will see each other on the Hogwarts Express. _

_I am sending this with one of the owls from the post service here. His name is Septimus, which means the seventh. I asked what he was the seventh of, but the man at the post service didn't know. I must admit, the owls in Sweden had much more fitting names than the ones here._

_Draco Malfoy's owl, Cygnus, did not bite me. He didn't come close. He swooped in and dropped your letter into the sink, which was full of soapy water, and then he immediately left. Fortunately, a simple drying spell saved the letter from being lost. I have never seen such a spiteful act from an owl. Be careful not to let him bite you again, some owls carry dreadful infections. _

_Please, don't go insane. I would miss you very much, for now I will take the relative coherency of your writing to signify that you were joking. Write back soon._

_Love,_

_Luna_

_Dear Luna,_

_By the time you get this you won't have time to write back to me—the next time you speak to me will be in person on the Hogwarts Express. I'm counting down the days, the hours, the minutes, the seconds go by too slowly here. _

_I can't thank you enough for your last letter. There was a thunderstorm here yesterday. Did you see it in Ottery St. Catchpole? If not, I feel like I ought to tell you that the horizon was beautiful here. I sat at one of the windows and watched the rainfall. Malfoy walked by and asked me if I was considering jumping. I told him I wasn't, but if he kept talking to me I probably would end up doing just that. _

_I loved hearing about your family and your house. Especially your mum, she sounded like a wonderful person. I'm very sorry she died. I think you know that I know what that's like only too well. _

_Luna, I need to ask you a something. It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately, and I need to talk to someone about it. I'm not sure exactly how to phrase it. When it comes to a choice between something that seems right now and something that seems wrong, but could be right in the future, which is the correct choice? I'm sorry for not being able to give you the specifics of the situation, but that would take more time and parchment than I am able to invest at the moment. _

_I'm sending this with Cygnus again as I'm unable to find another owl to use. I hope he doesn't do anything horrible with this letter or to you. He really is a mean owl. But my hand is healed up very nicely. I'll have to come up with some very exciting sounding story about the scar that's forming. _

_See you soon,_

_Tim_

_Dear Tim,_

_I wanted to answer your question, and even though I didn't need to write a letter to do it, I thought it would be best to write while the answer was still fresh in my mind._

_I've been taught that the way to judge what is right is to consider it in this way. Don't ask "Is it easy?" and don't ask, "Do I like this choice the best?" because that's not what determines what is right. I think it comes down to what you personally believe, and so in that way I cannot really answer your question. I will tell you what I believe. What you do is your choice. _

_I believe that the right thing is the one that will bring about the best end in the long run. I believe in helping people as often as I can, and fighting always for the good fight. You have two choices, think about them carefully. Find the one that has to most potential for good. That is what I would do._

_See you at school,_

_Love,_

_Luna_

**A/N: Okay, done. The next chapter will be out soon, I promise. And by soon I mean within the end of the year. I want to finish this story. **

**I also started working on a short about Leah. I don't know if I'll post that. I really enjoyed writing Luna's letters for this chapter. She's one of my favorite characters. I dressed up as her for Halloween. To my surprise and shock no one noticed I was in costume. **

**Please review. I'd love to know your opinion of this chapter. I know it was a long time coming, and I'm sorry for that. Tell me what you thought of it. Did you like the letters? Hate them? Was Luna out of character? I don't mind flames, but I prefer constructive criticism to anything. That's every author's dream is that one long review telling them what was right and wrong in a chapter. **

**--Orii**


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